Reject Bin Thoughts

I got captive bead rings back in my earlobes and it makes me happy!  I was worried those holes would be totally closed, but they weren’t!  I am thinking of getting an Industrial soon too, because I really liked when I had one because they are so damned sexy!  They hurt like hell, and they don’t heal for ages, but I think I would like having one again.

I had a good time at Concurrent Disorders.  There was some good sharing.  I didn’t speak, but it was still nice to be there.

I had a weird dream last night, I dreamt I was telling someone “I need to drink or smoke or do drugs or SOMETHING!”  I discussed it and ended up smoking cigarettes because I thought it was the lesser evil, and fucking some dude.  Kind of a bizarre dream.  Things I wouldn’t do in the awake world.  I’d like to have a dream about having sex with a woman, it might be more fun.  Although I must say there’s this taboo aspect about romping with men that makes me more inclined to dream about it.  Anyway, I felt much more guilty about smoking when I woke up, I had that moment in between sleep and awake when it still felt real and I had regrets! 

It will be a year and a month without booze, and seventeen months without marijuana in three days and a bit.  Pretty exciting!  I’m happy I am still chugging along.

And on July 2nd it will be seven months without tobacco! 😀

I’m tired.  Tomorrow is Pride!  Going to go to the Parade, I don’t know how to bless my MEC black raincoat with the rainbow but I will try to think of something.  I should have bought a rainbowy umbrella. 

I wonder why I am having so many using dreams?  It’s weird.

I have training on Sunday for this cashier gig I have at the Jazzfest this year.  I don’t know where it will be though, I should find out!

I’m going to get an estimate for a tattoo I want too.  I think I might save it for when I get my next artist fee.  Ah shit that reminds me I have to get a contract back to my distributor!  I’m losing five percent of my payment so that they can stay afloat.  It’s okay, it’s still better than what galleries charge artists for selling their work.  Galleries pay artists fifty percent and take fifty percent.  I think that’s a little unfair.  My distributor is just taking 25 percent.  So I still get a nice cut, which is really good considering how much work and money goes into distributing videos.

I’m feeling a little bummed out about this series of rejections I’ve been getting.  It’s only two rejections in the past year, but considering how much I liked, possibly even loved, these two women, it’s kind of a kick in the teeth!  I hate to think about why I am getting rejected.  I really don’t think anything I could do would change how they feel about me.  I already got sober and that wasn’t enough.  It must be my personality.  Which is so depressing to think about! Ugh.  And one of them still has me on restricted profile, and she rejected me last July so it’s been a really really long time without talking to her or anything.  Such a bummer!  It would be nice if we could even be friends, at least the most recent woman to reject me is still open to being friends.  That’s something. 

I dunno, I have to just move along really, I just hate that this city is so small and there are so few possibilities. 

At least happy things still happen from time to time.  For instance, my friend’s snake just laid eggs.  They are duds, but still, snake eggs, that’s kind of happy!  They didn’t even know she was a girl snake!

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