Lives Half Lived.

So on Friday I went back to Concurrent Disorders group.  I hadn’t been there since October 5th!  It’s improved from my last visit, I didn’t share anything, but I liked the way people were supportive of each other and I feel like it would be a good place for me to be again.  Yay!  So I can feel like I am involved in keeping myself safe sane and sober.  Instead of just abstaining. 

I went to a play called Agokwe that was being presented by Sask Native Theatre Company.  It was SO freaking good!  Tomorrow is the last day it is on.  It’s a one man show and he is amazing at embodying each character, with just a word or look you know who is talking and whether they are a man or woman.  And he does this amazing queer representation of Nanabush!  It was so funny, so much Native humour and the characters talk like people I know, the expressions, the accents.  And at the end, I nearly cried, it was so heartbreaking!  It made me interested in live theatre again.

After the play we went to a bar, and chatted, and I had shirley temples, and then I met up with another friend and her two younger brothers, and we went to another bar, and I had a shirley temple and a coke.  And then I got really tired and overwhelmed by being around drunks and just wanted to go home.

But when I got home my schizophrenic cousin was in the living room (a highly unusual event) and wanting to know who was home.  So I told him it was me.  Then I got my dog out of my mums room and he wanted to know who it was.  And I told him it was me (he’s blind).  Then I went to sleep.  Then at 5:30 in the morning all the lights were on and he was in my Moms room trying to ask her a question and she yelled at him to get out and turn the lights off.  But he left the lights on so I had to get up and turn them off and then he asked who was there and I said it was me and then he asked for a smoke and I said No! (I don’t smoke anymore anyway!).  And from then until about 8:30 am he kept going to the bathroom and making a lot of noise when he shut the door and it was driving me crazy and keeping me awake.  I had the worst sleep.  I guess he came over in the early hours of the morning because he was paranoid and someone was holding the door closed when he tried to get into his place.  We suspect his girlfriend and some guy are muscling him out of his apartment.  Poor guy.  Still, he’s so friggen annoying!  Arg!  It also turned out that he hasn’t been getting his shot since October.

I’m so tired of mentally ill relatives who are becoming chronically sick for no good reason.  They know if they take medication they can lead normal lives, at least I think they know that, but they refused to stay on it.  And then they get worse and worse and have bizarre thinking and become hospitalized repeatedly or unable to function.  It’s like they are living half-lives.  And then they go on meds again and get better, and then decide to go off them again.  Like if they just don’t take the medication then they won’t be mentally ill anymore.  And it’s just not true. 

It pisses me off because I see a lot of other people saying shit about psychiatric medications and posting things about how we don’t need them and I think that line of thinking is really detrimental and harmful to people’s wellbeing.  I believed that until I went off meds and went batshit crazy.  And lost a year of productivity because I was either going insane or recovering.  It really does a lot of harm, having a major psychosis.  And whether ya like it or not, psych meds DO help a lot of people!

Anyway, BESIDES this ongoing struggle with relatives not taking their medication, I am also frustrated with the sheer scope of substance abuse in my generation.  It’s really so prevalent, and I am talking in my family, not as a general “Generation Y” kind of thing.  It’s gotten really sad.  I’m glad I am out of that kind of lifestyle, but it is still around me SO MUCH!  It’s like I can’t get away from it.  It’s really made me want to leave town and not have to deal with cousins who need to get drunk and/or stoned every day, or binge using.  I think my life would be better to not be around it.

Ha ha ha ha! Then I go to bars and drink shirley temples and wonder about why I am with people who are getting fucked up.  It’s kind of stupid when I think of it.

But I didn’t go to a bar tonight.  Tonight me and my Mom went to see Warm Bodies, which is a hopeful romantic zombie movie, where the zombie falls in love and falls out of being a zombie.  It was really good.  Then I came home, did dishes, went on a loopy bus ride, and visited mom and went on Tumblr and facebook for a while. 

I am thinking about courting somebody, but I have some doubts it will happen.  It’s kind of silly.  I won’t talk about it here.  Loose lips sink ships!

I think Steven stole four dollars from me, but I can’t prove it because I don’t remember where I put it.  Shitty!  I’m so sick of that thieving asshole!  He’s getting better but he is still essentially a jerk.

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