Monthly Archives: February 2013

The Littlest Filmmaker

I got some really good news that I can’t talk about yet yesterday.  But know that I will FOR SURE be talking about it once I get the go ahead, don’t you fret!  It’s pretty exciting!

So now I have a shit ton of stuff I have to do.  I’m kind of glad, because my life was so up in the air for a while there.  And now I know I have some good things coming down the pipe.  One thing I CAN tell you about is I am doing a performance during Pride in Prince Albert this June.  I haven’t done performance art since 2006, just after my cousin died, so it will be interesting to have to do actions/talking in front of a live audience.  I am gonna have to be creative too, which is good, because I need to get my brain going again.  I have been in a lull ever since I finished Boi Oh Boi. 

I’m thinking of making work about addictions, especially within families, but I’m a little worried about my family getting offended.  It has to stew for a while.

I need to make a To Do list today.  And I need to do some paperwork this weekend, which is due on Monday.  Tonight I am going out to shoot some video of a band, I’m getting some pocket money for it, so I’m happy with that.  Next week I get paid, and almost all of it goes away into rent and stuff.  I’m behind on my cell bill.  I need about 200 bucks to pay it off, crappy lappy!

We looked at a virtual tour of the bachelor suites in York Grad residences, and I was pleased to note they did NOT have carpeted floors!  Because Little Mister + Carpet = Mess. 

I’m really optimistic today.  I’m feeling better about my career, for one thing.  I think going to school for screenwriting is a good idea, it’s not going to be a waste of time.  Of course, I still don’t know if I have been accepted yet.  I really want to get in.  I think my options would open up if I got out of Saskatchewan.  The Saskatchewan Party really doesn’t support film or television here.  And I heard BC is going in the same direction, which is appalling considering how strong the film industry is there and how much revenue it brings into the province.  These provinces are shooting themselves in the foot. 

I hope I don’t get to Ontario only to find they ditch support for film too!  That would suck.  I’d have to move on.  Like the Littlest Hobo, only not a dog.  The Littlest Filmmaker.  Maybe tomorrow I’ll wanna settle down.  Until tomorrow I’ll just keep moving on!

I need a shower.  I need to get my video gear together.  I need to do some stuff.  I’m in a tizzy!  I need supper too! 

When you have no schedule

I haven’t had a set schedule for a number of months now.  My days are all fairly open, and I am often at a loss of what to do to fill the time.  When I am working on a grant or my grad school application, I have things to do that take up a large portion of my time.  But at the moment I am not applying for grants, and my grad school application is in.

Tomorrow my main thing will be getting to my psychiatrist at three.  It’s just a check up, nothing major, my meds will most likely remain the same.  I can’t think of anything I need her to do.  She might send me off for blood tests to find out if my valproic acid levels are still in the therapeutic range and not in the Very Bad range of It Might Kill You.  And she might need to see if my blood sugar is normal too, because my antipsychotic has an alarming tendency to increase diagnoses of type 2 diabetes.  But everything has been normal before, so I don’t expect anything out of the ordinary.

I might go and get a leather coat, I have a little bit of money and I need a new coat, so we are going to see if we can find one with a removable liner for colder days.  That would be really nice.

Today I paid off my web hosting bill, which was hanging over my head and giving me nightmares that my domain name would be hijacked by fucking Go Daddy!  Anyway, all is well in internet land.  It’s the website for my company.  I also have to pay the incorporation fees this month, to keep my Inc name.  That’s about all I am doing for my business, the minimal amount to keep it alive.  Just in case.  One never knows!

Valentines Day is creeping up.  I never have anything special to do on Valentines Day.  It’s not going to be a big deal to be single yet again.  It’s too bad, only because I like scheming up romantic things to do for somebody when I am partnered.  But whatever, I can do them some other day in the unknown future.

Tomorrow Mum and I are going for Dim Sum lunch at Genesis, then looking at recliners for Grandma and Grandpa.  They are moving to a smaller place where Grandma can get more care.  And they need another recliner instead of their couch.  We also have to write a list of all the things we have to do before they move.  It’s coming up pretty quick!

I should go to bed.  Today was alright, semi productive.  And I got to see my Auntie and then my Cuzzie. 

I wish I had tips for persons not in school or regularly employed to make a schedule, but I don’t.
Some days later . . .

Well it is now Saturday night after Valentines Day!  I got some good advice from my psychiatrist about turning off my laptop two hours before bed and also taking my risperidone at 9 instead of when I am getting into bed.  Of course I didn’t do any of that today.

I was busy almost all day yesterday.  In the early afternoon I hung out with my friend Daniel and we got cupcakes, an hour later I ate both my cupcakes one after the other.  Then after five I went for dinner with my friend Shavonne and then we went to a movie and then we visited.  She told me what she has learned in her research about moving.  There are these things called Uhaul Pods that you fill with your stuff and then they drive it over and you unload it and voila!  And they are the cheapest option for moving stuff.  So I am likely doing that, I priced it out, my stuff would cost about 1500 to move.  I just have a bed and boxes.  And I am attached to my bed, I don’t want to buy a new one!

Then I was at home and my friend L sent me a text and we drove around for a couple hours after midnight just talking.  It was nice.

Today was quiet.  Mum and I ran around doing errands.  We had coffee with Grandma and Grandpa.  Grandma gave me her cherry ice cream. 

I snuggled with Little Mister this evening.  I combed him too, he has such long fur and it was getting smelly.  My cat showed up for pets too.  She’s sitting right beside this laptop in my bed as I type.

I didn’t get a valentine for Valentines Day, I sent one, but it was a low key kind of funny one because I knew this girl would like it, and I like her and always want to make her laugh because I am that kind of person.  She did like it and said thank you.

Sheesh, what else?  I looked up York on Grad Cafe which has people posting their rejections/acceptances/waitlistings for grad admissions and when and how.  In 2010 on March 17 someone got accepted into the production stream via phone.  That was three years ago, I have no idea when they will decide this year.  It could be totally different!  I haven’t checked through My File in a while, I guess I should, but there definitely won’t be a decision this early.

I also found out Oberhausen won’t publish their program for this year until April, which is only a month away from the festival.  So I don’t know when I will hear if I got in.  I hope I hear next month, because I will need to get my traveling shit together and stuff.  I have to renew my passport too, it’s up in June and countries don’t like letting people in if their passports aren’t good for at least six months.  So I have to do that. 

I have to save up money for moving too.  I realized I won’t need that much.  Just maybe 3000 to be safe.  Mom said we could drive there, but she doesn’t want to drive back alone.  Or we could fly I guess.  I have to move Mister and Beatrix too!  Poor little sods!  Beatrix is pretty attached to me, I am worried her peeing will make me have to give her away, but she really likes me.  Little Mister is mine forever!  I will never let him go!  I’m his forever home!  He loves me best out of anybody!

Anyway, blah blah blah!  I don’t have much else to report, and I think I want to cuddle my dog now. 

Lives Half Lived.

So on Friday I went back to Concurrent Disorders group.  I hadn’t been there since October 5th!  It’s improved from my last visit, I didn’t share anything, but I liked the way people were supportive of each other and I feel like it would be a good place for me to be again.  Yay!  So I can feel like I am involved in keeping myself safe sane and sober.  Instead of just abstaining. 

I went to a play called Agokwe that was being presented by Sask Native Theatre Company.  It was SO freaking good!  Tomorrow is the last day it is on.  It’s a one man show and he is amazing at embodying each character, with just a word or look you know who is talking and whether they are a man or woman.  And he does this amazing queer representation of Nanabush!  It was so funny, so much Native humour and the characters talk like people I know, the expressions, the accents.  And at the end, I nearly cried, it was so heartbreaking!  It made me interested in live theatre again.

After the play we went to a bar, and chatted, and I had shirley temples, and then I met up with another friend and her two younger brothers, and we went to another bar, and I had a shirley temple and a coke.  And then I got really tired and overwhelmed by being around drunks and just wanted to go home.

But when I got home my schizophrenic cousin was in the living room (a highly unusual event) and wanting to know who was home.  So I told him it was me.  Then I got my dog out of my mums room and he wanted to know who it was.  And I told him it was me (he’s blind).  Then I went to sleep.  Then at 5:30 in the morning all the lights were on and he was in my Moms room trying to ask her a question and she yelled at him to get out and turn the lights off.  But he left the lights on so I had to get up and turn them off and then he asked who was there and I said it was me and then he asked for a smoke and I said No! (I don’t smoke anymore anyway!).  And from then until about 8:30 am he kept going to the bathroom and making a lot of noise when he shut the door and it was driving me crazy and keeping me awake.  I had the worst sleep.  I guess he came over in the early hours of the morning because he was paranoid and someone was holding the door closed when he tried to get into his place.  We suspect his girlfriend and some guy are muscling him out of his apartment.  Poor guy.  Still, he’s so friggen annoying!  Arg!  It also turned out that he hasn’t been getting his shot since October.

I’m so tired of mentally ill relatives who are becoming chronically sick for no good reason.  They know if they take medication they can lead normal lives, at least I think they know that, but they refused to stay on it.  And then they get worse and worse and have bizarre thinking and become hospitalized repeatedly or unable to function.  It’s like they are living half-lives.  And then they go on meds again and get better, and then decide to go off them again.  Like if they just don’t take the medication then they won’t be mentally ill anymore.  And it’s just not true. 

It pisses me off because I see a lot of other people saying shit about psychiatric medications and posting things about how we don’t need them and I think that line of thinking is really detrimental and harmful to people’s wellbeing.  I believed that until I went off meds and went batshit crazy.  And lost a year of productivity because I was either going insane or recovering.  It really does a lot of harm, having a major psychosis.  And whether ya like it or not, psych meds DO help a lot of people!

Anyway, BESIDES this ongoing struggle with relatives not taking their medication, I am also frustrated with the sheer scope of substance abuse in my generation.  It’s really so prevalent, and I am talking in my family, not as a general “Generation Y” kind of thing.  It’s gotten really sad.  I’m glad I am out of that kind of lifestyle, but it is still around me SO MUCH!  It’s like I can’t get away from it.  It’s really made me want to leave town and not have to deal with cousins who need to get drunk and/or stoned every day, or binge using.  I think my life would be better to not be around it.

Ha ha ha ha! Then I go to bars and drink shirley temples and wonder about why I am with people who are getting fucked up.  It’s kind of stupid when I think of it.

But I didn’t go to a bar tonight.  Tonight me and my Mom went to see Warm Bodies, which is a hopeful romantic zombie movie, where the zombie falls in love and falls out of being a zombie.  It was really good.  Then I came home, did dishes, went on a loopy bus ride, and visited mom and went on Tumblr and facebook for a while. 

I am thinking about courting somebody, but I have some doubts it will happen.  It’s kind of silly.  I won’t talk about it here.  Loose lips sink ships!

I think Steven stole four dollars from me, but I can’t prove it because I don’t remember where I put it.  Shitty!  I’m so sick of that thieving asshole!  He’s getting better but he is still essentially a jerk.

Better, and mocktail fixins!

So life goes onwards.  Things are better.  I’m spending time with friends and taking my online class and letting time just pass by.  The grad school committee people meet in a week or so, and then I don’t know how long it will take them to go through applications.  I believe I will find out in April if I have been accepted.  So for now it’s just a lot of waiting.

And I have also been having friendly contact with my ex, just through email but it has made me feel better about having a casual kind of friendship with her.  She even told me things about her life, things she doesn’t usually volunteer.  Which made me feel happy.  It’s like getting to a healthier level with her where things are, well, friendly.

Being friendly is nice.

I don’t have much else to say today.  I had to do family driving duties, taking mom to work, going to Grandma’s for her doctor appointment, picking Mom up.  Mail wasn’t exciting today.  A cheque is enroute to me, or will be soon, which I am looking forward to.

I am doing this class and I also need to do my taxes.  It would really help, and I could put my GST into my moving fund. 

Oh man, it is so dry these days!  I have to put lotion on every time I bathe otherwise I dry up! 🙁

What else to report?  Oh Senator Brazeau is an ass!  He’s been an ass for ages and tonight he’s in jail.  I sometimes think maybe I should go back to writing about social issues in this blog because there’s not a whole bunch of personal growth to talk about these days, I’ve achieved and am holding onto sobriety and sanity fairly well, and so there’s not much to report on that front. 

I want a Shirley Temple.  I have become addicted to them.  I need mocktail fixin’s!

A rant about being disabled and dating and bad girlfriends

You know what?  Rejection sucks and I am tired of talking about the one big rejection that has defined my life in Saskatoon.  So my last girlfriend didn’t want to be with me anymore because I went crazy and she couldn’t deal.  So what.  So later she said she loved me but didn’t want to be with me because I had no willpower or ambition.  Like I care?  I guess I did care, but mostly I was stunned because it proved to me that she didn’t really know me.

And six years has passed and I don’t know who she has become.  Last time we tried to be friends on Facebook she was actually kind of an asshole.  So maybe it is a blessing that she has so emphatically rejected me.

My Mom and I were talking in the car today.  She was saying she has noticed I have become more optimistic about life, and then I said I didn’t feel very optimistic about my love life.  And we talked about that a bit, and she said I have this problem where I am so grateful someone likes me that I let them get away with treating me like crap.  And it’s true.  I actually can’t name a single girlfriend who was good to me with any kind of consistency.  It’s a major problem.  I have to get to the point where I don’t care if I stay single for a number of years, because I am too willing to settle for bullshit.  And it lowers my self esteem, which is shitty.  I can’t be with someone who makes me feel like shit again.  I had to put in a number of years in rebuilding my self esteem because I was bullied so much in school that I felt horrible about myself for a long time.  And why would I want to date a bully who is just going to make me feel horrible again?

I think one major change is going to be holding out for a monogamous relationship.  I’ve been in too many poly relationships where my partner wasn’t actually behaving ethically about it.  None of that anymore!  And if someone has a partner already, NO WAY am I getting involved.  Even if the other partner knows about it.  I don’t like this constant feeling I would get of being someone on the side, like number 2 or even 3.  It’s a shitty feeling to know you’re lower in priorities.  I hate that feeling, and it makes me resentful. 

I could go on and on about what makes all my past relationships shitty, but I feel like maybe that’s not a good way to draw someone new in.

And then also, I don’t even really know if I want a girlfriend here.  If I am moving anyway, what is the point?  I can be single for another eight months or more, it won’t hurt.  I’ve been single for almost six years anyway.  Another year is not a major deal.

My friend Shavonne who is moving to Montreal in May says there is no one here for us to date anyway, it’s a really small community and we are kind of like, specialty girlfriends.  Someone would have to be looking for something really specific to be interested in me.  My Mum always thinks the kinky stuff would turn someone off and that I should not be into it anymore and I could find someone, but I would be miserable if I couldn’t do all the things I am into.

And what is really depressing is I am 34 and I still haven’t found a girlfriend who I can explore all of myself with.  There is a lot of uncharted sexual territory with me.  I guess sex gets better the older you get, I’m just disappointed I never got to have crazy sex times when I was younger and had the energy to stay up all night.

Also having bipolar 1 means having major episodes that are extremely debilitating, and those have really held me back both professionally and in relationships.  It took a long time to get to a point where I felt like I could do things and move forward again.  It’s frustrating because I think people just see someone who is lazy or something and don’t clue in that the word “Disability” really means disability!  Even a mental health disability has the power to impact how you move through the world and what your capabilities are. 

Maybe that’s why I was so appalled when my ex said she didn’t want to be with me because I had no willpower or ambition.  Those things were really impacted by the fact that I was struggling with a severe mental illness.  The brand of Bipolar disorder I have is the most severe you can get, getting psychotic features is no picnic.  And then it just makes sense that I also struggled with addiction issues, because when you have a major mental illness you start self medicating and so on.  And life feels pretty shitty sometimes, so smoking up/drinking/cigarettes just become the lifestyle.  It’s not a good way to live, it’s just what happened to me.

Anyway, I always had ambition, but recovering from my last manic episode really made life difficult.  I remember the summer after I would try to write stories and I’d just sit there for an hour with a pen in my hand and maybe five sentences.  Trying to get from there to here seemed impossible.  And I was so suicidal, EXTREMELY suicidal, and ambitions kind of disappear when you just want to die.  I’m always suicidal after manias.  I just went numb and tried to think of my life as being in front of a mountain, and the mountain was time, and I couldn’t see what was on the other side, I just had to have faith that there was SOMETHING on the other side and I could get to it if I just kept putting one foot in front of the other and passing time day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute.  And it was brutal.  And so maybe I didn’t have ambition for a while, I was too busy just trying to survive.  And then I had to learn how to live a normal life.  Recovery takes a really long time, it’s not just about when your symptoms go away.  It’s about figuring out how to thrive and making a support system for yourself and on and on.  It’s made up of little things and big things and taking steps that lead to other goals. 

So I guess what I am saying is I need to find a compassionate girlfriend who understands that I’m fucking disabled and that it means different things from day to day.  One day I might not be able to get out of bed, another day it might not be a good idea to leave me alone in public.  Those days are so rare now, but they are a part of my past and so it makes sense that they will be in my future at some point.  And it would be nice to find someone who doesn’t think of my disability as me being broken or having Too Much Baggage or me being fucked up.  Because it’s a health condition, and it’s passed down through my family and I am doing everything my mental health team has told me I should do.  I’m on top of it.  But that doesn’t mean it’s all over forever. 

Sometimes it pisses me off that people can’t see my disability as clearly as other disabilities.  It’s all in my head, because it’s my fucking brain!  And brains are fairly sophisticated organs!  We wear helmets and all that kind of stuff because we know we should protect our brains, but when someone has an illness that directly affects their brain, we tell them to suck it up and get over it and stop acting weird for gods sakes!  I don’t know why society doesn’t care for persons with mental health issues better.  Even just validating that I had a major episode that impacted my life would have been nice, instead of shitting on me for not doing what most people my age are doing who don’t have disabilities.  Sure I don’t have my own house and I’m not a millionaire and I don’t even have a car and I live with my Mom, but at least I am honest and nice and cute and I have a future, even if I’m not always able to see it myself.

So fuck that!  Fuck people who have unrealistic expectations of persons with mental health disabilities.  I’m doing really well, and I don’t need that kind of shaming bullshit in my life.  I’m glad my last girlfriend rejected me, she’d just be making me feel like shit if we dated anyway.

Thought Processes of the Rejected

So I got an email from X Corporation.  I didn’t get the position I applied for.  Sucks!  So I don’t know why, people (people being Mum) say I should send them an email asking for feedback on why I didn’t get it.  I feel reluctant to do that though.

I’m at the end of my first week of my class, so that’s pretty good, I finished watching the lectures today and I have just a reading and writing 500 words left to do for my homework.  It’s  raised a lot of points for me about the last hundred years of mental health care in the western world.  Just learning about the history has really solidified some of my feelings around where I fit into this. 

I haven’t talked about my mental health much on here lately, just talked about my addictions.  Which is tied in to mental health, but not the same thing.  Well in case you are wondering, I’m on the lowest doses of medications I have been on in ages and I am still doing well.  I am stable, and able to cry again, and in touch with my emotions and moods but not ruled by them.  That feels pretty awesome.  The only downside is if I miss a dose of meds, I start feeling bad pretty quick.  If it’s my bedtime meds then I won’t be able to go to sleep, and if it’s my morning meds then I will get depressed. 

Actually there is one problem, my mind keeps working late into the night and I lay in bed thinking about a bunch of things.  I know I could resolve this issue somehow, I just don’t feel like it yet.  If I meditated, or read a book, like a paper and ink book, then I would probably fall asleep easier.  If I drank warm milk, or cut out all my caffeine after a certain hour I could probably sleep.  It’s but a google search away!

See, I can solve that easy, but this other issue I have been having I can’t solve.  I’m thinking about the possibility of reviving a long dead relationship.  Realistically it isn’t going to happen.  I haven’t even seen her in six years, and we live in the same city.  I stayed up late last night writing a letter to her, but when I woke up I was relieved I hadn’t copied and pasted it into an email and sent it off.  I just feel like she would laugh at me.  Or be incredibly irritated.  And neither of those reactions are what you want to get to a declaration of love.

There is a line of thought that goes “If you don’t try you will never know” but I tried before with disappointing results.  And she defriended me from Facebook a year ago, and I don’t think she wants to be friendly with me at all. 

And then part of me wonders why I care?  I guess love is hard to walk away from, but I read this article about how it’s important to form new romantic attachments.  Part of me also wonders if my interest is only because I have no one to form a new attachment with.  And I’m moving away anyway, what is the point in making a new relationship here?  I’ve never been in a relationship where someone would move for me, so I still doubt it would happen.  I feel like the best thing is to suck it up and just have masturbating dreams for the next six months and then when I move start asking people to introduce me to single lesbians.  Or change my OK Cupid location and go on internet dates.  Something.

Anyway, none of my friends want me to go backwards, because they say she treated me badly, which is true and also isn’t true.  When we were close she was really good to me.  It’s just after, when she didn’t want to be with me anymore or whatever the hell it was that she was kind of mean.  I mean, not letting me get closure with her by seeing me for coffee was and is still really hard on me.  I feel like a non-sexualized encounter of just having a conversation with her that isn’t mediated by the internet could do a lot of good for me.  But she doesn’t care about that.  And it’s not gonna happen, and it hasn’t happened for six years and I asked for it over and over and over. 

I mean, even Amber Dawn and I spent time together after our relationship ended, just getting used to each other being Not Girlfriends anymore and kind of having our goodbye moment.  It made me feel better. 

Whatever.  I am not getting closure.  Maybe I should do some kind of personal letting go ritual or something.  Like making a drawing of her and then having a viking burial of it or something.  Only there is ice on most of the river. 

When my psychic talked about her and I, back when we were hanging out and before The Terrible Incident, she said we could make a go of it and if we did we would have a lot of fun together, which I could totally see!  But she also said if we broke up it would be awful, and it was.  And I dunno, maybe we would just break up again anyway.  In fact, my next relationship IS supposed to end when I fall off the wagon a bit.  Crappy.

BUT psychics aren’t always right (except this one usually is) and I might stay on the wagon for years and years.  I just don’t know.

But what if there is someone else I am supposed to have a relationship with, someone totally new and interesting and funny and smart and sexy and all kinds of good qualities that scares me and turns me on just as much as my ex, or more? 

Now I am just babbling.  If I get into grad school, I will know soonish and be able to plan my life and move on and stuff.  And September isn’t THAT far away.  Like six months? Maybe a little more?  eight months?  Whatever, it will come around pretty quick.

I wish I didn’t love someone who was so cold to me.  That seems rather counterproductive.  I feel like I am just chasing a moment that is long gone.  I’m tired of that.  And I am tired of Saskatoon.  I have some good friends here, I will miss them, but I don’t want to live here forever.  It’s not conducive to my growth.  My plan is to live in Toronto for a while and then settle down for who knows how long in Winnipeg.  I don’t think I will ever move back to Saskatoon.  There’s no career here for me.