Monthly Archives: January 2013

What the hell?

I started a class! 😀 I am taking “The Social Construct of Mental Health and Illness” through Coursera! I watched the Introductory video lecture just now and it was really interesting.  I can already tell I am really going to enjoy this class!  Coursera is a wicked site, it’s where you can sign up for and take university classes from reputable universities for FREE!  This class is only six weeks long, I am looking forward to the ideas it will spark for me. 

What is going on in my life?  Well I should update you with my job status.  So far it is still up in the air!  I called and asked when they would get back to us, because today has been three weeks since my interview.  They said they are still doing interviews and it would be another week or two! Holy crap!  They are hiring 25 people for various locations around Saskatchewan, so I guess it would take quite a while.  I hope I get it!  I really do need this job, it would help immensely and let me save up money for the big move!  My cuz Deanna read my tarot cards on her phone (I don’t know how accurate electronic readings are) and it affirmed that I would be getting into University and moving away.  So that is going to cost a lot to get me and the animals and our stuff there.  And we need to buy a whole bunch of new stuff when we arrive too, like kitchen crap and lamps and various household items.  And basic staples like spices and flour and condiments.  And dog and cat food and kitty litter and a new litter box and junk.  And enough to live on until my funding starts coming in.  I found out I am guaranteed an apartment in residence if I apply for one before June, so as soon as I find out I am in I am going to put my name down. 

Auntie Beth has been here, we’ve been having a good time.  Steven was only a jerky drunk twice, which is pretty good for him! 

I have work at the Mendel Art Gallery, so my opening was on Friday.  They took us out for dinner and Mum and I had a spagattini with pork and venison, it was SO GOOD!  And I asked for a shirley temple but they were out of grenadine.

I have been having shirley temples everywhere, it’s pretty much my favorite drink right now.  I like it because it’s kind of fancy and it tastes good and it has grenadine.  I went to State and Main with some queerdo ladies and my friend Emily bought shots for everyone and she wanted me to have one so she got them to make me one with chocolate milk and chocolate sauce!  It was really nice, I felt like a badass, it was so funny! 

I am still not smoking cigarettes and I am into Step 3 now, doing well, didn’t notice too much difference from Step 2.  Not like when I went from Step 1 to Step 2, I had some cravings then.  But this time the difference was so imperceptible.  It’s been a fairly painless quit this time around.  I am also taking nicotine lozenges too, I’m not sure when I will quit them but it has to be soonish.  I’m gonna give myself about a week after Step 3 is done before I go off them I think.  Just eventually forget to take them and then let nicotine go completely out of my body and move on with life.  I’m really not thinking about smoking anymore, it’s like I’ve forgotten about it.  Feb 2 will be 2 months!

I went for a coffee date last week with someone from OK Cupid.  It was nice, we talked for two hours, had lots to say to each other.  I don’t know if a spark was there, but it was a good time and friendly.

I’m really tired.  It’s late!  I’m going to turn off lappy and go to bed.  I have to get back into the Idle No More movement, I was so excited about it in the beginning and lately I haven’t gone to ANYTHING!  And it’s not because I don’t care, I think it’s just because I find out about things too late.  Shame shame!

My wet dreams are still about masturbating.  It’s rather bizarre!  If I have a dream involving someone else I will be so delighted!  I’m just directionless in my lustfullness.  No one to be horny for.  I had a dream with my ex girlfriend in it, but I can’t remember what she was doing besides being pretty.  She keeps popping up in my dreams lately, I had a dream I was gonna marry her and my family was all getting ready for our wedding and then I was like “Wait!  She’s not the second girlfriend after I saw Barb Powell!  We’re gonna break up!  I can’t marry her, I don’t wanna get divorced!”  Weird!

I really do think I’m gonna be single until I move away.  Saskatoon’s fairly thin on the ground for Thirza Appropriate girlfriends.  And the only lover I’ve had in the last six years lived in Berlin, what the hell????

The Future Is Uncertain

So tonight I got the last confirmation from my references, and now York has ALL of my letters of recommendation!  I also checked my tracking numbers for my application and my portfolio on Canada Post’s website, and both arrived safe and sound at their destination!  I’m pretty happy!  All I have to do now is get my letter and my report from my psychiatrist mailed off to the Special Admissions Office so they will take my disability into account when looking at my transcript.  I was going to wait until I saw my psychiatrist again, but I think I will call her office tomorrow and ask her to write it for me so I can just drop by, pick it up, and get this last little piece into the mail.  I know the committees meet in February, it says I just need to get it in by April 1, but I want to do it earlier.  Just in case!

I had a candy apple today from Rocky Mountain Chocolate.  I think that’s what they are called.  They have all these fancy candy apples, I just had a plain red one.  It was so good!  Usually they just have caramel apples at the fair, but the candy ones have a special place in my heart.  We were at the mall.  My cousin went into the knife store, and so I followed her, they had FOUR knives with swastikas on them!  I was like “Holy shit!  Nazi knives!”  She said “Oh but isn’t that a Tibetan symbol?” And I was like “NO!  THESE are nazi knives!”  And they were, red and black and white, had a fucking eagle and everything.  Racist knives!  UGH!  I was surprised by how not offended she was.  I mean, who’s going to buy those?  White supremacists, that’s who! 


I think I am becoming allergic to down.  I’ve been getting a stuffy nose every time I lay my head down on my pillow.  I switched pillows, so tonight I will find out if it’s true.

It has been 44 days without a cigarette!  It’s was a little rough when I stepped down to Step 2 of the patch, but now I am used to this dose of nicotine.  It’s alright.  I think this might really be it.  44 days is pretty awesome.  And I’m not drinking, which is usually when my defenses would crumble and I would bum a smoke.  I had a bunch of nicotine lozenges yesterday, but I think today I only had two or three.  Still not smoking up either, it’s been 362 days!  I am SO CLOSE to a year clean!  I’m feeling really good.  My cousin is smoking up a lot and where ever she goes she smells like weed.  I used to be like that!  Skunky and going nowhere!

One of my references told me my writing was terrific.  Made me feel good.  My Mom is really supportive of this attempt to get into graduate studies because she thinks it’s something I am really good at and that I have a good chance.  I know she’ll be sad when I leave though.  And Grandpa doesn’t want me to go.  But I have to.  I can’t stay here forever just because my family’s here, it’s limiting me.

I haven’t heard about my job yet!  Yikes!  Cross fingers!  I really need it, I’m tired of being poor.  I would be more comfortable.  Maybe even be able to get a credit card.  Which is a useful thing to have, I have some online subscriptions that I have to use my Mom’s card to pay for.  Awkward! 

I feel like I am ready to love somebody.  But maybe I shouldn’t fall in love when I am just going to leave anyway.  Although nothing in my future is certain right now.  It’s all still a big question mark.  I would have to meet someone pretty amazing to fall in love.  I have a history of amazing girlfriends with big personalities.  My first girlfriend was so different than all the rest though, kind of funny that.  Was it because she was butch?  She was so sweet.  Aw, I really loved her.  I loved them all though, in various ways. 

The cat is beside me purring, and Mister is in the middle of the bed having a snooze.  I should snuggle him and go to sleep.  I’m totally curious about what is going to happen to me in the future, I really don’t know!  My Grandmother’s having a lot of problems these days.  I know she is going to go soon.  I feel bad for her, her body is wearing out.  That’s probably the only thing that makes me feel bad about possibly leaving, not being around for her last months/years.  We were really close while I was growing up, her and my Grandpa.  Grandpa seems to be fine, his only trouble is being mostly deaf.

There are things I have to do though, with my life.  I can’t spend it all in Saskatoon.

Cake with a Pie INSIDE!

My interview seemed to go well.  I will hear in a week come Monday if I got the job or not.  It starts at the end of February.  And it’s a Monday to Friday job, so I will be guaranteed weekends off, and during the time I work full time it’s nine days on, one day off, with that day off generally being a Tuesday, Wednesday, or Thursday.  I will probably work full time during the summer, which would be fine, I could make lots of money and that’s a pretty good thing.

I am pretty much done all my grad application stuff!  I just need to see what Mum thinks of my paper, but I improved on it, and I have my portfolio all together, and my other writings.  It’s pretty kewl!  I got my first letter from York, just thanking me for applying and saying I am responsible for getting my things there in a timely manner.  Wednesday is the deadline! :O  I really hope Xpress Post can get everything there on time!  I’m a little worried about my transcript, I faxed the request yesterday, but I didn’t hear back from Emily Carr if they got it or if it is in the mail or what. 

I’ve got National Anthem by Lana Del Rey stuck in my head.  It’s a pretty nice song actually. 

I read an article about this producer and director trying to make a microbudget film starring Lindsay Lohan and how hellish the experience was.  OMG!  It sounded like a nightmare! 

I’m really bored of being single.  But I am not as negative about it as one of my friends is, who is always saying these terrible things about me being single and how I have to do all these extreme things to get ANY girlfriend I can possibly get!  UGH!  I hate when people assume single people are desperate.  I do have some taste you know!  And some prerequisites for someone to be intimately involved with me.  I’m looking for a big love I guess, a really sweet love story.

I was supposed to go to Regina tomorrow for some Queer performance art, but a snowstorm is descending on Southern Saskatchewan and so travel is not advised.  Crappy!  I’m gonna miss seeing my friends! 

I might go to the movies tomorrow night.  I have free Cineplex tickets.  I went out tonight with my cousin Deanna and our friend Janelle, it was pretty sweet, we had some good chats.  I drank three pepsis, because refills are free! 

My sober birthday is coming up soon, I quit smoking pot on January 18th of last year.  Next week!  Mum says we are going to have a black forest cake to celebrate it.  I asked for one.  I don’t go to NA anymore, but of all the Whatever Anonymous traditions, having a cake for your birthday is the one I relate to the most!  I am always up for cake!  Or pie!  Did you know you can make a cake that has a pie INSIDE!  It looks so decadent, I think I need to try it before I die. 

Cherry pie inside a red velvet cake! 😀

Beatrix Kitty is purring on my leg, and Little Mister is at the foot of the bed snoozing.  Tomorrow afternoon my responsibility to my grad application will be fucking OVER and I can move on with my life!  I have a bunch of stuff to do before work starts at the end of February.  If I get the job.  I need to do all kinds of things.  I will start this weekend.  No rest for the wicked.

I wonder if I will get my artist fee tomorrow?  I really want to buy a hard drive, there’s a portable 1tb harddrive at Neural Net for only 120 bucks or so.  It would be nice to be able to move stuff off my computers and have it easily on hand at the same time.

I really want something sexy or romantic to happen in my life soon.  Or both sexy AND romantic!  It’s not gonna happen though.

I’ve got a feeling this year’s for me and you.

I got my York Student number, so I filled out my supplementary form and included the emails of my references.  Supposedly in two days or so they will get an email with a link to the form they have to fill out for my reference.  I also got to specify in the form that I am applying to the Screenwriting stream of the MFA in Film program.  I felt a bit relieved because when I applied earlier it just let me choose film, and I had a little anxiety that they would assume Production.  Anyway, yadda yadda yadda!  I have one week left before I want to get ABSOLUTELY everything in the mail.  That means working doubly hard on my stupid paper.

Then we went to Staples this afternoon so I could get some brass brads for my screenplay and Mum could get sign making supplies for the flash mob tonight.  While I was wandering around looking for my mom my phone rang.  It was X Corporation!  They called me in for an interview! 😀  It is Monday in the early afternoon! I have to fill out an official application form when I get there, including three work related references, and I have to bring in my health card and drivers license so they can do a criminal record check.  I also need new pants, because the pants I have now are all jeans with ripped hems at the ankles.  Or blue coloured jeans.  And my pinstripey pants are too tight and hurt when I wear them and make me spill out like a split sausage.  I don’t mind being a sausage, I just don’t think it’s profesh to look distressed in that way during an interview.  So, new pants!

Dressy pants!

I’m terribly excited.  I really want a part time job that pays 26 dollars an hour!  That would be insanely awesome!

I’m also excited about grad school.  I really feel like I have a strong chance.  I picked references who really know me and my work, I have good examples of my writing, I am able to get a special admissions process because of my disability and how it impacted my grades.  I think I would do really well in the program.  I’m always writing anyway, I like writing.  It would be nice to have school work that doesn’t require having to book equipment all the time to complete it.  I could just spend as much time as I wanted on my laptop writing writing writing!  That’s fun!  And coming up with the story is fun, I really like that part.  I like going for walks and thinking too.  Even if it’s just around the block.

The only thing that sucks is I keep hearing scary stories of sexual assaults at York on campus.  I hope I have a safe time there, should I get in.

What else?  Oh I dunno.  I’m thinking of someone romantically again, and it’s not the best idea to ponder such notions.  Even if she does love me too.  Because she doesn’t want to be with me.  And I can’t keep hanging on to nothing.  I guess I am just going there because there’s no one else I am currently interested in who is an actual possibility.  It’s so weird, I can get over someone really fast sometimes, and other times it just DRAGS OUT FOR YEARS~!  I guess those are the times I am in love.  It’s just that it would be nice to be in love for years with someone who actively loves me back and likes being with me and realizes my worth.  Instead of this shit.  I just think I’m going to be single until I am on my feet in Toronto and in school and meeting people through friends and so forth.  I’m not going to meet anyone in Saskatoon.  I’m too much of a weirdo for this town and too many people think weird things of me from when I had my addictions and so on, like my major manic episode and shit like that.  And I live with my mom here.  No one wants a girlfriend who lives with their mom.  And I’m not even famous here, I was more famous in Vancouver.  People recognized me on the street.  Here I am just some Cuthand weirdo.

Anyway, I need to do something nice for myself.  I’ve decided if I get this fancy job I am getting a leather jacket and a new tattoo.  I’ve put off the Industrial piercing for now, because I think that would make wearing a headset hurt.  And that would suck.

OH!  So anyway, we went to the Flash Mob Round Dance at Circle Centre Mall tonight!  Mum came and she had an Idle No More sign!  A news report said 1800 people were there!  It was awesome!  I had a good time!  I like feeling involved in a revolution.  I feel like there’s a chance we could get somewhere! 

Maybe that optimism is just something that is spilling into the rest of my life.  Good things are happening.  The other good thing if I get this job is I’ll be able to save up money for moving to Toronto to go to school, including cash to buy things like a cheap desk and couch and various household items.  There’s an IKEA near residences sort of.  It’s the one with the monkey in the parking lot!

I’m not going out very much anymore.  Not since I quit drinking.  I feel like I need to get out more again. 

The other good thing is I finally got my hair cut and I look like a cute respectable human being again!  It makes me feel good!

If I had a girlfriend again, I don’t know what I would do.  I feel like I have forgotten all the girlfriendly things I used to do.  I remember buying flowers for girls, and funny books, and erotica, and making crepes in the morning, and going to greasy spoons for breakfast, and holding hands and kissing in the street and forgetting to worry about it because my girlfriend was so cute, and making supper together, and curling up in bed and watching movies, and having sex to music.  Hmm, and going out to movies and leaning in close to each other.  And watching my last girlfriend be mean to the waiter because he kept hitting on her while we were talking and she got pissed off.  That’s the only circumstance I approve of being mean to the waiter by the way.

The Night Mare

This is the first post of 2013!  It’s been almost nine years of having this blog!  Wow! 

Well, Sober New Years Eve went well, three cousins came over before they went off to their parties, so we hung out and ate nibblies and drank pop and stuff.  I had some virgin mojitos which were good.  We set off fireworks!  Kristjan was at our house and he cried when the fireworks were over because he wanted more!  I had my special bath and visualized all the negativity of 2012 being washed away.  I also smudged the house.

Midnight passed uneventfully, Mum had gone to bed before then.  Around 1am I went to bed too.  Little Mister came with me.  At four he got up and went off to forage around for snacks and then go to Mum’s bed.  I heard him jump jump jumping and I remembered I left a Terry’s Chocolate Orange on an end table, so I got up totally naked to go get it before Mister got poisoned.  As I was walking down the hallway I started hearing the sound of someone making whimpering noises like they were trying to scream.  Steven has a lot of night terrors so I thought maybe it was him and he was sleepwalking.  I stopped and listened and they got louder and louder until finally Mum let out this unearthly bloodcurdling scream of terror!  It freaked the shit out of me, it sounded like she was being murdered!  I thought maybe it was because she saw my shadow walking down the hall, so I yelled back to reassure her “Are you okay Mom?”  She was awake by then and said “Oh it was terrible!”  Little Mister gave up his jump jump jumping and went to her room to comfort her.  Even the cat got up and went to her room, all of them sleeping around her trying to make her feel better.  The next morning I asked her what she was dreaming about and she said she dreamt she was cuddling a small animal when a sheet went over her head and something jumped on her.  She was trying to kick it off and she had been reading Harry Potter before bed, so she thought it was a Blast Ended Skrewt.  Then she started trying to scream and her scream woke her up.

So that was a bizarre way to ring in the New Year.  I certainly didn’t like hearing Mom sound so terrified, I felt so bad for her!  Nightmares suck.  I thought she was on her back when it happened because that’s when I get nightmares like that, but she was on her side.  Scary!  None of us is safe from the Night Mare!

I did a lot of tidying on New Year’s Eve, I did all my laundry and most of the dishes and picked up and swept the living room.  I tried to clean my room, but there’s a lot of stuff in there.

I’m happy I am going into 2013 with no stds and no active addictions.  I’ve been smoke free for 30 days now!  I do need to do a lot of work starting tomorrow, my grad application is due relatively soon, and I need to get my stuff to York before mid month, because that’s when a bunch of blockades might go up and that could possibly affect my mail/couriered stuff.  I’m going to get my portfolio sent this week.  I also have to redo my paper, and edit some of my admissions writings like my statement of interest.  And I have to wait until I get my York Student ID so I can sign onto MyFile and get recommendation form links to my references. 

I’m so sleepy!  I’m happy not to be hungover though.  I’ve gotten smash drunk every New Years Eve since 1997!  That’s a long time!

I also realized it was the anniversary of me realizing I am a big ole lezbo!  20 years!!! Holy crapadoodle!  That’s a long time!

I figured out my resolutions, they all have to do with money so it’s kind of boring.  I need to start calling places I owe money to and see how much a minimum payment would be.  Blah blah blah!  Boring boring boring.