I sound like I am bummed out, and I am not.

I got on social assistance, actually I am on the SAID program right now, which is good because it gives me extra money to live on. I filled out the official application and it has to go to Abilities who then come and assess me and decide if I am disabled enough for it. Which will be interesting, because my bipolar disorder is really an illness which fluctuates from mild to severe disability. Right now it is fairly mild, and has been for a number of years. But in the past I have had clearly debilitating episodes which rendered me completely unable to work. So I don’t know what they are going to say.

I got my cheque today, and paid my rent, groceries, phone bill, and overdraft on my chequing account. I also bought Steven a pack of smokes because he gave me a bunch of his when I was still smoking, and twenty bucks. I still have some money leftover! This is quite amazing. I am going to use some of the rest to get a hard drive to send to my distributor with my videos on it. I’m tired of the limited distribution I am doing with my tapes right now, because I haven’t gotten them to VTape and I am just getting shows here and there and not submitting them to festivals.

After that I will have a bit of money to go to the movies and out for dinner with a friend. And maybe some extra if I am lucky. I’m really happy I quit my addictions, because they burned through my money really fast.

I haven’t smoked since yesterday at around 1:00pm. I’ve been doing patches and lozenges and I am doing alright. Indian Affairs DID pay for my patches again, and so I am determined to really do it properly this time and follow directions and NOT SMOKE! EVER! I picked up 100 dollars worth of patches the other night and I’m still using up my last box that I bought, so I haven’t even started the new ones yet. I feel like I can shell out money for lozenges to get through the big cravings, because I hardly have lozenges anyway so it won’t be a lot of money, like the patches are.

My no drinking no weed thing is STILL going strong! I don’t want to fall off the wagon and I hardly think about it, unless I smell weed on somebody and get memories. But my last months with weed were awful, I felt so shitty every time I smoked up. Really out of control and freaked out, like my mind was going to places I didn’t want it to go. Dark places. I started feeling like I was insane every time I smoked up, and I am, but like, actively insane. I can see what David Suzuki was talking about, how marijuana has changed even just in the decade and a bit since I started using it, more prone to inducing psychosis because the chemical that protected against psychosis has been bred out. I’m glad I don’t have it in my life anymore.

And I am also glad not to get pukey drunk anymore.

Steven’s listening to Depeche Mode downstairs, I think he is depressed. He found out how much money I got today from Social Services and was upset because it was more than his. I don’t even know if I will get to stay on the program. I hope so, until I find a job. A good paying job.

I haven’t gotten any phone calls from any of the jobs I have applied for. I’m getting weary of this, because I don’t know what the issue is and I suspect it is racial discrimination. Cuthand is very obviously a First Nations name here and there are a lot of racists in this town. In this province. In this country. But I can’t prove it’s discrimination if they don’t even call me in for an interview.

I’m still single. I’m getting bored of that too. My libido has STARTED coming back, I am actually being sexually active, albeit alone, on a more regular basis than before. So I am relieved, because I really didn’t care about orgasms for a while there. And how can you not care about ORGASMS???? They are the best thing in life! I spent a large part of my formative years being obsessed with having as many orgasms as I could possibly have! Hell, I even went to bed early because of that! I used to masturbate in the middle of the afternoon. I don’t do that anymore, sadly, because of roommates who are also family members. But when I move out, I’m so doing it! Anyway, I am still left wondering who this mystery girlfriend is gonna be and also feeling a little hopeless because I don’t think my next girlfriend is in Saskatoon. I don’t know where she is. Maybe she is here, I don’t know. She’s not on OK Cupid though because the only girls who seem to be there are poly bisexuals, and I’m not poly anymore because it fucking sucks.

I haven’t knitted my hat in a while because I am still doing the ribbing and getting confused as to whether I have to purl or knit. I should work on that because the only other hat I found is a 30 below hat, and it’s only maybe three or five below during the days, for which a knitted toque would be ideal.

My sleep is fucked up because I am staying up too late and sleeping in too late. I also haven’t been to my concurrent disorders group in a while because I don’t like the new facilitators because they aren’t as good as the old ones. I know they are learning and all that but I would be nice to get some recognition for having sober time instead of them saying nothing unless you’ve fallen off the wagon. Anyway, BLAH! Also we now have to fill out these evaluation forms every beginning and end of the sessions, and it takes up time because they have to explain them all the time and some people need extra help filling them out and we really only have an hour to all talk. So those are reasons I am not happy with the group anymore.

I should go tomorrow, but I have a whole list of errands I need to do tomorrow and it is going to eat up most of my time. Maybe I will check out an online NA meeting or something instead. Although I don’t really click with NA.

I feel like I am getting ahead and yet am also stuck in a rut. I really wish I had a job or something. Or a girlfriend. Although word on the street is people on disability aren’t as desireable for girlfriends as people with jobs. I’m getting so tired of reading things about how you shouldn’t date someone if they don’t have a job and live with their mother. The economy is terrible, what do you expect? Rent for a one bedroom apartment in Saskatoon is an average of eight hundred dollars a month, on par with Toronto, and I can’t afford it. And I don’t usually do well as roommates with people and I don’t like having to move all the time. I like having long term housing situations. My best apartment in Vancouver was 450 a month for 300 square feet and I lived there for three years. And I was happy, because I wasn’t moving around all the time and having roommate issues. I like long term housing. Some people move all of the time, and I wonder how they can stand it?

Anyway, this blog post sounds all kinds of bummed out, and actually I am pretty happy these days despite all of this. I’m glad I have a safe place to live with my dog and kitty, and I am glad Steven hasn’t gotten drunk in a while, and I am glad I have things I am doing and looking forward to. I haven’t done much work on my paper, because I still don’t have access to online journals, but my mom gave me an idea of how I can get access so I am going to try. I also have to contact my references for grad school, and go over the application again and work on some extra scripts to send as part of my portfolio. I’m getting really nervous about grad school, I am scared I won’t be let in and I will feel rejected and sad like a bad artist/writer, and I am also scared I will be let in and have to worry about moving to a new city and surviving on the tiny amount of living allowance that my band pays to post sec students. I’m scared I will be lonely, even though I know a bunch of people in Toronto, and I’m scared I will go crazy and need someone to look after my pets while I am sick. I am scared about a lot of things. On the other hand, having an MFA in Screenwriting could nudge me in a really good direction with my career. Maybe juries would take me more seriously with an MFA, and most film departments have a Screenwriting prof. I think I could teach about narrative writing a lot better than I could teach about technical aspects of putting 16mm through a Bolex. It would be more satisfying to me.

I’m also worried about the fact that I will be really poor in Grad school, and have to work a part time job along with going to school, and that it won’t give me enough time to write and do the schoolwork I will need to do. I never worked while I was going through my BFA, and that was really good for me because I was secretly disabled and still had a full courseload and if I’d had to work I would have had a really hard time.

Anyway, BLAH BLAH BLAH! I wish my life was a bit sexier. I don’t have a trip to Germany to look forward to. I have been thinking about taking a trip to Hawaii sometime in the not too distant future, but I would need some major money to enter my life for that. I want to suntan on the black sand beach, and go to the Volcano park. I’ve never seen a volcano. They seem so exotic to me, being a prairie girl where geologically things are fairly tame. I’d like to see the raw power of the earth spitting magma. Maybe there is a film festival who will program Boi Oh Boi in Hawaii. One can only hope.

Also I am not applying for residencies until April, when I find out about Grad School. So I don’t think I will be going anywhere exciting this summer.

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