It’s almost 1am on a Sunday night, which is really Monday Morning. I am not sure what I want to blog about, except that I feel compelled to write so I may as well.
It was fisting day yesterday! That’s always exciting, even though I didn’t fist anyone yesterday! I remember the first time I successfully fisted my then girlfriend. I was penetrating her and then it just slipped in. It was so awesome! And there was this immense warm feeling of pinkness that enveloped me. It was an amazing sensation for my hand to be engulfed in her pussy. Just swallowed up. So yeah, I like it either way, being on the receiving or the giving end of fisting. All around fisting fan!
Actually, after years of calling myself a bottom, I have only recently accepted that I am more likely a switch. I really like submission with women I love and masochism in general, but I have discovered a more dominating desire within me come out from time to time. Actually the first time I had an inkling I might be a switch was when I was talking with a far away friend on the phone and we were blabbing about Daddies when she called me Daddy in this totally vampy high femme tone of voice and my breath caught in my throat. It totally turned me on! Since then I have thought about being a butch Daddy for some lucky Femme. I think I would be stern but loving. And of course being a switch and therefore needing some time as a bottom I wouldn’t always be Daddy.
I used to have a girlfriend who was a switch. But it only lasted six months, and she was in charge pretty much all of the time, until it all unraveled. I’d like my next girlfriend to be a switch. I’m worried I’m going to end up settling for someone totally vanilla who isn’t going to expand their sexual horizons with me. That would really suck.
Actually, even though I don’t really have any active crushes going on right now, I have this deeply profound sense that my singleness may be ending relatively soon! Maybe that’s just because about now is the timeframe my psychic gave me for getting into my next serious relationship. But I do understand it really depends on me, and that I have to start attracting the right people who want to be with an emotional sentimental romantic softy, and not the people who think I’m some bad girl with an attitude. Because they’ll be expecting one thing and I’ll show up and do something else like bring them flowers or wanting to spend all morning cuddling or something. I really like cuddly mornings. Or sex interspersed with cuddle monster sessions. I’m really physical with my girlfriends. I like pulling them into darkened doorways for intensely deep long kisses. And holding hands in the movie theatre. Or putting my hand on their thigh. Things like that.
Wow I miss all that stuff! It seems like I have such long periods of being single. Since my last girlfriend it has been over five years. I did have one lover during that time, but the interpersonal stuff between us was so awkward because it was a really casual fling type thing. And I guess I just prefer having sex when it’s going to go somewhere, even if it’s just for a few months. Just to be able to say “Yes, we had a relationship!” Although I understand some of my relationships should have been kept as casual flings. I guess what I am saying is sex makes me super attached. My oxytocin goes shooting around my brain/body and makes me bonded.
But I guess it doesn’t work like that for everyone.
I’ve been haunting OK Cupid and Plenty of Fish for a while, looking for potential mates. But so far I haven’t had much luck. I did go on two dates. One was terrible! I had never met someone so rude! Oh well. I feel like a specialty item now since I have gotten sober. And I already felt like that before, after I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I’m worried I seem like damaged goods or something fucked up like that. People pick really funny things to discriminate over. But I wouldn’t want to date those people anyway. I’m just worried EVERYONE is those people!
They say you shouldn’t get into a serious relationship your first year of sobriety. Then again, I am not following the NA program anyway, which is where that line of thought comes from.
Well, it’s 1:14! I should go to bed! Goodnight internet land!