Balance

Today was an okay day. We drove out to Muskoday for a funeral. Uncle Doug and my Mom had a bunch of interesting conversations in the truck. The funeral was super Christian because the cousin who died was born again. It reminded me of how different my mom’s funeral will have to be because she is an atheist. That being said, I want my mom around for a long long time. I’m so close with her.

After the funeral we drove back to town and went straight to a steak night being held to help cover costs of my mom’s student’s son’s funeral that was held this summer. We bought door prize tickets and fifty fifty tickets, but we didn’t win anything. And that was okay really because all the money helps that family out.

I’ve been thinking a lot about the future. I am really excited about the screenwriting MFA program at York. I don’t know what I will do if I don’t get accepted. I’d be really sad I think. And I don’t know if I would still move or not. Although I have a strong feeling I will be moving to Toronto.

Little Mister and I went for a walk yesterday, that was really nice. I am gonna take him on another walk tomorrow. I need to get him out of the house more so that Hermione isn’t so sad when he is away from her. They are really going to miss each other when I move away with him. They are best buddies with each other. I think I am going to have to find some little dog friends for Mister in Toronto to have play dates. He’s really shy and snotty of new dogs though, which is why they have to hang out with each other for a while before he will start to play.

I think I would make a good scriptwriter. I could have a lot of fun with it. And sometimes I could direct. It fits the best with me anyway.

I ran into an old friend from my queer youth days, Tara. She was setting up the karaoke system at the bar where the steak night was being held. I gave her my card, hopefully we will go for coffee. It would be super nice if she could introduce me to eligible bachelorette lesbians! I’m trying to circulate more. The astrologer I always read says we should circulate if we are looking for partners, so I am trying! I can’t believe it’s been over five years without a girlfriend. So sucky! I had a couple summer flings with one woman, but now she doesn’t want to talk to me. And it never counted as a relationship anyway. Even though I wanted one with her. She kinda broke my heart. I feel like I am getting over her, although I still miss our friendship, the platonic parts of it. Good friends are hard to find.

My alcoholic roommate isn’t moving out, and isn’t getting much better either. He’s supposed to get into a day program by the end of the month or he is getting kicked out, but I don’t know if there will actually be any follow through, on either his or my mom’s part. He seems to be using the fact that he has a son to stay here, which kinda pisses me off. We’re not running a charity. And he isn’t at all serious about being sober, he still drinks at least once a week. He says he is serious about quitting but I think he only says that so he can stay here. Really I still want him out. Realistically I think the only way I will be able to not live with him is when I move to Toronto next fall. Unless I won the lottery tonight, in which case I will move next month and buy a house there and say a big fuck you to him! And take my dog and cat and live happily ever after. He’s causing a lot of stress in this house and I don’t know why my mom is so wishy washy about the whole damn thing. She used to have a spine, it just disappeared when that damn baby showed up.

Damn babies!

He got drunk last night on a mickey and a bottle of coke. This wouldn’t have bothered me so much except he kept trying to get me to drink his stupid coke and I think it was spiked and he was just trying to get me to fall off the wagon. Such an asshole! I like my sobriety, it’s been really nice to have and I like that I am not wasting money on booze and drugs anymore. He also keeps trying to get me to go out drinking with him, which also pisses me off because a) I don’t drink anymore, and b) he is an annoying asshole to drink with because he goes on and on about his emotions and his past history of violence with women and one time while he was drunk he even confessed to killing something. Not a human. But it was still disturbing. I don’t trust him.

Anyway, UGH!

And also part of me is starting to move towards spirituality. I am not sure how it’s going to manifest yet. I don’t see it as a particularly Christian spirituality. Maybe something where Buddhism, Pantheism, and Aboriginal Spirituality all intersect. But either way, I feel like I want to find a spiritual practice. I don’t want to pray, because I don’t believe in prayer. I believe in taking personal action to achieve one’s aims. That being said I am going to be burning a green candle soon for prosperity. Which is pretty witchy and close to a prayer. But anyway, I don’t know what my spirituality is becoming. It’s almost meditative to knit, I like that. Real meditation and me don’t work very well, I haven’t found a way that speaks to me yet. I’m too interested in reading or writing or otherwise being productive. I guess creative output could be a type of spirituality. And maybe reading about Buddhist principles could help too. I have some really good books I could reread to remind myself why I like that religion. Also I am not sure if I want to be solitary in my spirituality or if I need community. A lot of religions are based on community, but I like being alone a lot. Then again, I do want to meet eligible bachelorettes, so maybe going to the Buddhist temple is a good idea after all. Or there is a meditation class at Positive Passions. Hmmm.

I could also get back into Yoga. I got a mat. I could buy some of the other things too, the blocks and stuff. There is a yoga show that comes on television every morning, I just haven’t gotten up that early. Getting up early might be a good idea. I’m such a night owl though. I really like writing early early early in the morning, before drifting off into a sweet sleep. Like now.

Anyway, this year has really been about finding balance. I’m not there yet. But I am working on it!

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