Tonight I watched television and knitted. I got a whole bunch more done. I think I can finish my scarf in a couple weeks or less if I really work on it. It’s really nice to knit again, so meditative! I get in this zone and listen to what’s on tv. Actually, maybe I should start listening to podcasts and knitting. I have a bunch of Coast To Coast AM I can listen to while I knit. That would be fun.
I wrote down that list of 100 things in 20 minutes. It actually took me about 26 minutes. A few were places I want to travel. A few were things I wanted to buy. A lot were about making feature films and television shows. And winning awards from them. One was wanting to have a retrospective in a major gallery. And a few were about wanting to fall in love and get married. I didn’t have kids on there, I mean, I didn’t say I wanted kids. I guess it’s not a very high priority with me. I feel like if I was in a serious long term relationship with someone who wanted kids I could adjust, but if I had my druthers I think I would prefer to remain childless. My dog and cat are good enough for me! They are both curled up beside me snoozing. Little sweeties.
I am supposed to find a serious relationship next month or the month after, but I am not sure with who. I often worry there is nobody in town for me. And I am leaving anyway. And there aren’t many people on OK Cupid that I am interested in. Everyone seems to drink or be stupid in various ways. Or be poly, and I am so over that. And there are hardly any femme lesbians in my town on OK Cupid, maybe none! At least, none that show up in my matches. And there are a bunch with no pictures and so of course I cross those people off. Whatever. I don’t know why I want a girlfriend anymore. I feel like I have lost perspective on the whole thing. Being single for this long has really atrophied my desire.
Actually, I have noticed I get horny most often in my sleep. I often wake up wanting to masturbate but still being too tired to really get off. It’s kind of funny. I have horny dreams, but they are all about masturbating. I had a dream I was masturbating with a hammer. Not like, hammering myself! Just rocking on it. And then it magically turning into a cell phone! So weird! Anyway, my psychiatrist sent me off for blood tests to find out if my psych meds were raising my prolactin levels too high, which would account for the loss in libido, and the results came back saying YES they are too high. I see my psychiatrist in a couple weeks and then I guess we will come up with some sort of solution to resolve this issue. It really does frustrate me because I miss being horny on a more regular basis. It adds a certain delightful dimension to life that is currently lacking.
It’s hard to want something that you don’t care about. I want to care about desire again, I just DON’T! UGH! So annoying.
I think I knitted for three and a half hours today. I’m really impressed with myself.
I’m going to a funeral tomorrow for, a cousin I guess? I didn’t know her. But my mom and uncle are going so I am too. And then I am going to a steak night for a friend of my mom’s whose son died this summer. I only realized just now that both of these events are tied to death.
Next week I have a screening in Prince Albert for Boi Oh Boi! I am going up with my Mom and Deanna. We are going to try and get our secure status cards while we are there. They have all these fancy features on them! Yay!
I’m tired. I guess that is what happens when you stay up late watching tv and knitting. We rented Snow White And The Huntsman. It was alright. The evil stepmom was so evil! I wasn’t attracted to either of them though, none of them were my type! And as I said before I have next to no libido anyway.
Anyway, I’m off to bed. Maybe I will get horny in my sleep again!