Sobriety is still ticking along pretty well, and I have decided tomorrow I am going to quit cigarettes again. I’ve been sick and when I was smoking outside the blood flow in my brain was being gooshy and weird throbby. Like I was gonna have a stroke! Not very pleasant. So it’s time to quit!
There’s a severe thunderstorm here right now! Exciting!
I love thunderstorms.
A secret about construction equipment: One key works for all of them. ALL OF THEM!
Anyway, I got sick Thursday evening with achey bones, and by Friday morning I was sniffling and shivering and sweaty and sometimes feverish. It was pretty godawful. This morning I was doing better, then I got sickly again, and now I am feeling pretty decent.
I keep getting horny in my sleep and wanting to masturbate, but I’m too sleepy to get to my vibrator and jerk off. So I just go back to sleep. I hadn’t actually masturbated until today since I was in Hamburg, kinda crazy!
************A few days later*************
I am trying to keep up with my life and blog and it’s not working well. Anyways, where was I?
Well, I have recovered more or less from my illness. It was a pretty bad one. I’m glad my immune system is generally pretty awesome, because I feel so miserable when I am sick.
I am feeling slightly better about my friend deciding not to talk to me for a while. I can respect her decision. I am still sad about our friendship getting fucked up. And I hope someday it goes back to normal. But I understand why she thought I was too much. It’s a depressing reaction to my emotions though. Kind of a kick in the heart.
I’m busy working digitizing videos. I keep falling asleep in the afternoons though. I had a dream this afternoon that I was stuck in Superstore looking for the cans of ice tea because I wanted two cans of ice tea and one can of cola and one can of something else. But every time I thought I found the ice tea it would turn out to be a tube of espresso. Also there was something about me stealing a bunch of beads from this container left in a display case that was made by my cousin Deanna.
I want to go camping. It has been a while since I have gone.
I went on this really weird date yesterday! It lasted only an HOUR! An HOUR! And we walked around the Fringe and she looked at jewellery and barely talked to me, so we really didn’t get to know each other. Super awkward! I don’t think there will be a second date. It would be more awkwardness. I don’t know what she had against me, I suspect she suspected that I was living with my mom, which would be true but is a stupid reason to not like me. It’s okay, I wasn’t too into her. But anyway, living with my mom has become this weird thing, like I need to find someone who isn’t judgey of it! My Mum’s poor, I’m poor, it makes economical sense for us to live together right now.
I’m a little worried about how we are going to survive through the fall. We’re really poor and Mum didn’t get her artist residency, so she’s just teaching one class this fall and that’s ALL her income! :O It’s scary scary! I’m worried. I really hope my business keeps getting work. I have work right now, which is awesome, I hope it pans out.
I don’t know who my next girlfriend will be. I have NO CLUE! I guess that’s not important right now, what’s important is making money. I need to pay my rent still, and my phone bill, and buy a new phone. URG! I’m so broke. I just need to work really hard. PLUS I will be making money picking up needles until October, so that’s good. That’s like, 300 bucks a month, which as my Mum says is better than a poke in the eye.
I was looking at jobs online. But it’s kind of ridiculous for me to get a job right now when my business is starting to take off. And I do already have that one job. So yeah. Dakota Dunes is hiring slot attendants though. I’m tempted to apply again, I would have gotten the job last time except I didn’t have enough references. It’s supposed to make AMAZING tips! But I dunno, I think I’m gonna keep working at this business, my psychic seems really optimistic about my self employment thing. So yeah.
I should make a list of things I need to do. I do that about every couple of months.
Wednesday I see my psychiatrist, we are going to cut down my risperidone by one milligram. I hope it’s okay! I don’t want to go crazy again! But one milligram shouldn’t make too big of a difference, and all my other meds will stay the same. I think my sex drive is still low. I guess that doesn’t matter if I don’t have a girlfriend anyway, but dammit I want to masturbate more! And it’s like I don’t care! :O So I will talk to her about that too. I don’t know if it’s age or my meds. But I’m only 34, I’m in my baby making age! I should be horny!
I just spent two hours looking for jobs my mom could do. I found a focus group for her that pays 175. That’s not much. But it’s something! It’s just she is so specialized, she has an MFA! That’s like, for teaching university students! And the University of Saskatchewan has such a racist art department that they won’t hire First Nations people to teach anything but Aboriginal Art History. So that’s that. Oh man! If only we could all move somewhere! But we can’t leave Grandma and Grandpa. I mean, I guess I am leaving, but Mum can’t leave. It sucks! This whole situation sucks.
If I can just get enough work I could keep us alive! It’s my only hope! 🙁