Monthly Archives: August 2012

The Show Must Go On! Life when Depression rears it’s ugly head

I’m getting depressed and I don’t know why. Maybe because I talked with my depressed cousin all night. Maybe because my friend doesn’t want to talk to me for now and it upsets me. Maybe because my mom left for Charlottetown today and won’t be back until Sunday. Maybe because I have work in the morning. Maybe because I am having a breakthrough depression. I’m not sure.

All I know is things feel very bleak right now. I don’t know what is going to happen to me. I’m aware this is a constant feeling this time of year, because this is the third year in a row I have been waiting for Canada Council letters to come in the mail and the last two years I was counting on getting my grants and instead ended up broke and not sure where my next pay cheque was coming from. So bleak! Although I do have some work coming in this year, and I am not counting on my grant this time for money, because even if I do get it I won’t get my money until January or February since that is when my project starts. So I have to find a way to survive even if I do get it.

I am also sad about needing to get over my unrequited love. It was nice to be in unrequited love even if nothing was going to happen, but right now I am aware that in order for my friendship to get back on track I have to concentrate on getting over her. And it’s just easier to get over someone if you have ANOTHER crush, but I don’t. So I don’t have anyone to daydream about. No one to imagine holding me when I am falling asleep at night. Nothin! And it’s hard to move on when the future is a big black void. I think that’s why all my unrequited loves have lasted so long, because it was just easier than trying really hard to find someone else to be crushed out about. So I am bummed out about that.

I am lonely these days because I realize so many of my friends were drinking buddies, and now that I don’t drink they aren’t as interested in hanging around with me. It’s depressing. I haven’t gone to the gay bar since I quit drinking. I went out with my little cousin last night and she was drinking a bottle of wine and flitting about and it made me realize that being around people who are intent on getting drunk is really boring. Drunk people are boring! Stoned people are pretty boring too, come to think of it. My partying days are so over. And it’s left a void, and as much as I am glad I am not using or drinking anymore, I also haven’t filled that void with anything meaningful. I could do what I’ve been talking about for years and concentrate on my career. I know I could get far. It would probably also solve this ongoing money issue in my life. I have a lot I have to work on. I’m the worst procrastinator ever. I need to get my new videos to my distributor, for instance. That would help a lot.

Anyway, I need to do things with my life, I thought grad school was a good idea, but I don’t know if I can afford to live in Toronto. And York is really out of the way. Aw fuck! I don’t know what to do. I’m not entirely sure of my motivation to go to Grad School either. It would let me teach, which is awesome, except that I don’t think I really want to teach and there is such a glut of sessionals anyway. Really I just want to make movies. If I could do what I REALLY want to do, I would just make movies and curate the odd single channel program, and that’s about it. I would change my business of editing films into a film production company and produce my own work. I’d become a creative powerhouse and always be writing and shooting and editing and going for creative thinking walks in the early evenings. That’s what I would really do. And it would make me happy. And I could see the world by going to a bunch of premieres and festivals and stuff. I’d be content with my life.

My psychic seems to think it is possible. That makes me feel a lot better. I know I have a lot of skills I have to master if I want to make feature films for a living. And probably moving from Saskatoon is a good idea, since the film tax credit got killed by our right wing provincial government. I just hate the idea of moving away from my Mom again. I really like my Mom. She’s so supportive and makes me feel better. She’s away. I miss her and she only left at four.

I am still depressed, I thought I might feel better after writing my thoughts but I don’t. I miss my friend. And I miss my mom. And I miss having a solid five year plan. I don’t have a five year plan these days. My psychic said I would get into my next relationship in September or October, but it would have to be with someone I haven’t met yet because I can’t think of anyone I know that I am interested in. And I don’t know WHERE I will meet this mysterious woman. Madonna was right, life is a mystery.

I want to get out of this slump. I don’t know what to do about it. Mum’s depressed too, maybe it’s rubbing off on me.

There are still unknown factors which could come into play. One, which is very distant and unlikely to happen, is that we win the lottery. The other is that I get my grant and have work for basically a year. Which in turn could possibly mean that I can get a major distribution deal with my film and get a bunch of money. And if not, well maybe I will sell a bunch of DVD’s. And who knows, if I make a really good film maybe someone will offer me more money to make another. It’s all unknown!

Well, they know at the Canada Council.

I wonder if I will hear tomorrow.

I am glad my concurrent disorders group is this Friday, I need to do some talkin’! I think I should also make an appointment with my addictions counselor. There’s an NA meeting on Saturday night. Maybe I could go. I need to talk to a professional though. It would be nice to talk to my psych nurse. We have an appointment coming up. Yay!

She would know if my change in risperidone was making me depressed or if it was situational. I wish I had a manual. What to do now that you are noticing you are getting depressed! I can tell it’s getting serious because I’m starting to lose interest in doing things I have to do. I want to hibernate until it’s over. But the show must go on!

Sober and Kinda Poor, but I have dreams!

Life is a little less stressed in my house because I got paid so I paid my rent and gave Mum an extra 200 bucks so she could pay the water and electricity bill, which is gonna get cut off on the 20th if it isn’t paid. It’s started! I am starting to be responsible for making money around here! I need to make a bunch more because I still have to pay my phone bill and buy a new phone. And then pay September rent. I might have some more work coming in, and some other work maybe, I have to get in touch with some people who were interested in having me help them make videos.

I’ve been reconsidering grad school. It really depends. I am still going to apply, but part of me feels responsible for keeping mom afloat, she has a mortgage and all kinds of things she has to keep up with. I really don’t know what to do. I’d feel guilty if I just buggered off to be a poor student for two years. If she got her two year grant, I would feel less guilty. Then I would know she was guaranteed to have an income for a while. It’s just she’s so poor! It makes me worry a lot.

I bought lottery tickets today, my typical routine so I can dream about an end to our poverty problems. It would be really nice to get that 50 million! I know we most likely won’t win. I’ll have to get rich on my charm and talent!

I still haven’t heard about my Canada Council grant. I heard last year on August 10th, and it’s well past that now. Well, it was the 10th on Friday anyway. So really, any day I could hear. I know no one else has heard because I haven’t seen anyone post about getting or not getting their grants. I’m not super counting on it, because I wouldn’t have the money until January/February anyway so I still need to make a living in the meantime. But it would be really nice to be able to start planning a big shoot for next summer.

I haven’t found anyone else I want to go on a date with from OK Cupid. That’s alright. I should concentrate on other things anyway. Some people get so desperate when they don’t have a partner that they end up in bad relationships just to avoid being alone. That’s not me. I’m willing to hold out for someone good. It would just be nice to have a new crush I guess, since my last unrequited love thing turned out so badly. Then at least I could tell my friend “I have a crush!” when she finally gets in touch with me to find out if we can be friendly friends again. I miss her. Dammit.

I’m renting my cousin’s cell phone for the rest of the month while she is on a cruise. I’m excited to have a phone again for a while. I really miss my iPhone! Oy! Soon it will be a month that I have been without a phone! Jeepers! And that’s my business line! 🙁 Sucks to be me!

I have to pay some money for an ad I placed. I didn’t get any calls from it, but at least I placed an ad. I should find another place to place an ad. I should place an ad in Kijiji. Running my own business is stressful.

I’m needing to listen to my psychic reading again. I’m happy because tomorrow I will get to see my cousin Sharlene before she goes off on her two week cruise! Yay!

Today I bought my first ever Diva Cup. I hope it works well! I just had my period, so it will be a while before I get to try it. My mom thinks I should practice putting it in. But I don’t want to be all dry trying to stick it up there! And I feel goofy lubin’ it up!

Mum’s depressed about money. We need a miracle. I have to keep getting work I guess. We can’t count on the damned lottery! Although I admit, it is kinda fun buying tickets for the big jackpots. I like having a fantasy rich person life in my head. The house I would buy, my car, paying debts, giving to charity, making a movie, solving problems, being amazing and traveling all kinds of places seeing and doing all kinds of things! The social/interpersonal problems that would crop up freak me out though, like all my friends wanting money and stuff, getting taken advantage of, blah blah blah! That’d suck. Being a target of unscrupulous people. Yucky! But being able to arrange and pay for better care for my grandparents, that would be sweet. Being able to send my cousin to three month treatment, that would be nice. And being able to support queer film festivals would rock too! I think being sober would help a lot, I wouldn’t burn through my money doing drugs and drinking, that’s for sure! I didn’t spend a lot of money in Europe when I was there, because I wasn’t drinking!

Money makes the world go around

Sobriety is still ticking along pretty well, and I have decided tomorrow I am going to quit cigarettes again. I’ve been sick and when I was smoking outside the blood flow in my brain was being gooshy and weird throbby. Like I was gonna have a stroke! Not very pleasant. So it’s time to quit!

There’s a severe thunderstorm here right now! Exciting!

I love thunderstorms.

A secret about construction equipment: One key works for all of them. ALL OF THEM!


Anyway, I got sick Thursday evening with achey bones, and by Friday morning I was sniffling and shivering and sweaty and sometimes feverish. It was pretty godawful. This morning I was doing better, then I got sickly again, and now I am feeling pretty decent.

I keep getting horny in my sleep and wanting to masturbate, but I’m too sleepy to get to my vibrator and jerk off. So I just go back to sleep. I hadn’t actually masturbated until today since I was in Hamburg, kinda crazy!

************A few days later*************

I am trying to keep up with my life and blog and it’s not working well. Anyways, where was I?

Well, I have recovered more or less from my illness. It was a pretty bad one. I’m glad my immune system is generally pretty awesome, because I feel so miserable when I am sick.

I am feeling slightly better about my friend deciding not to talk to me for a while. I can respect her decision. I am still sad about our friendship getting fucked up. And I hope someday it goes back to normal. But I understand why she thought I was too much. It’s a depressing reaction to my emotions though. Kind of a kick in the heart.

I’m busy working digitizing videos. I keep falling asleep in the afternoons though. I had a dream this afternoon that I was stuck in Superstore looking for the cans of ice tea because I wanted two cans of ice tea and one can of cola and one can of something else. But every time I thought I found the ice tea it would turn out to be a tube of espresso. Also there was something about me stealing a bunch of beads from this container left in a display case that was made by my cousin Deanna.

I want to go camping. It has been a while since I have gone.

I went on this really weird date yesterday! It lasted only an HOUR! An HOUR! And we walked around the Fringe and she looked at jewellery and barely talked to me, so we really didn’t get to know each other. Super awkward! I don’t think there will be a second date. It would be more awkwardness. I don’t know what she had against me, I suspect she suspected that I was living with my mom, which would be true but is a stupid reason to not like me. It’s okay, I wasn’t too into her. But anyway, living with my mom has become this weird thing, like I need to find someone who isn’t judgey of it! My Mum’s poor, I’m poor, it makes economical sense for us to live together right now.

I’m a little worried about how we are going to survive through the fall. We’re really poor and Mum didn’t get her artist residency, so she’s just teaching one class this fall and that’s ALL her income! :O It’s scary scary! I’m worried. I really hope my business keeps getting work. I have work right now, which is awesome, I hope it pans out.

I don’t know who my next girlfriend will be. I have NO CLUE! I guess that’s not important right now, what’s important is making money. I need to pay my rent still, and my phone bill, and buy a new phone. URG! I’m so broke. I just need to work really hard. PLUS I will be making money picking up needles until October, so that’s good. That’s like, 300 bucks a month, which as my Mum says is better than a poke in the eye.

I was looking at jobs online. But it’s kind of ridiculous for me to get a job right now when my business is starting to take off. And I do already have that one job. So yeah. Dakota Dunes is hiring slot attendants though. I’m tempted to apply again, I would have gotten the job last time except I didn’t have enough references. It’s supposed to make AMAZING tips! But I dunno, I think I’m gonna keep working at this business, my psychic seems really optimistic about my self employment thing. So yeah.

I should make a list of things I need to do. I do that about every couple of months.

Wednesday I see my psychiatrist, we are going to cut down my risperidone by one milligram. I hope it’s okay! I don’t want to go crazy again! But one milligram shouldn’t make too big of a difference, and all my other meds will stay the same. I think my sex drive is still low. I guess that doesn’t matter if I don’t have a girlfriend anyway, but dammit I want to masturbate more! And it’s like I don’t care! :O So I will talk to her about that too. I don’t know if it’s age or my meds. But I’m only 34, I’m in my baby making age! I should be horny!

I just spent two hours looking for jobs my mom could do. I found a focus group for her that pays 175. That’s not much. But it’s something! It’s just she is so specialized, she has an MFA! That’s like, for teaching university students! And the University of Saskatchewan has such a racist art department that they won’t hire First Nations people to teach anything but Aboriginal Art History. So that’s that. Oh man! If only we could all move somewhere! But we can’t leave Grandma and Grandpa. I mean, I guess I am leaving, but Mum can’t leave. It sucks! This whole situation sucks.

If I can just get enough work I could keep us alive! It’s my only hope! 🙁