Monthly Archives: July 2012

How Depressing, Love SUCKS!

Well, I am back in Canada, so I will probably blog a lot more again. My flight back was good, the only scary part was the flight into Saskatoon when we hit mega turbulence. My screening in Hamburg went really well! People liked it. My time in Berlin was good too, I lost my iPhone though, which totally bummed me out! I lost it the Saturday before I left. I suspect on the UBahn.

I did see the friend I had wanted to confess my feelings too, but it all went to shit! 🙁 I was really awkward and told her I loved her, and then she said I love you too but she meant as a friend. And then I told her I wanted to kiss her still and she said we are just friends, sorry. And then I felt really awkward but I was letting it go. And then I thought it was okay, but when I got back home to Canada I got a message from her on facebook that she felt weird and that I was too much and she thought we should get some distance from each other and I felt really shitty for having feelings. And then she put me on her restricted list on facebook so I can’t see much of her profile anymore. I was trying to put her on restricted too, but I couldn’t figure it out and then I felt stupid and like, why would I do that anyway? So I am bummed out. And I do feel shitty for having feelings, which isn’t very nice. Oddly enough it is helping me get over her because I don’t want to love someone who makes me feel badly for having feelings. So I feel pretty crappy. I hadn’t wanted to fuck up our friendship and now I have and I don’t know what to do about it. I can’t do anything about it because she wants us to not talk until she gets in touch with me at some point in the future. When she stops feeling weird.

So I feel like my feelings are icky. UGH! What a shitty feeling. I hope I never made my friends who were in unrequited love with me feel this badly about it. I’ve fallen in unrequited love before, so it’s not a new thing, but this messing up a friendship is totally new, I’ve never managed to do that before!

I AM glad though that I can move on now and find someone else. My cousin Deanna told me not to feel bad for being true to myself and that I don’t have to apologize for telling someone how I feel. She is wise that Deanna! Anyway, I wouldn’t ordinarily write about it on here, but I figure since I did write about WANTING to confess my feelings, I should let my readers know what happened in the end. So that’s what happened. True story!

I’ve been in a foul mood ever since. Not Kicking Puppies foul, but just being crabby and ornery. I’m trying not to take it out on the people around me. But I can’t help feeling gross, like I grossed her out! So that is sad. And she was a really good friend too. So it’s distressing.

My psychic says I am supposed to get into my next serious relationship in September or October. I am looking forward to that. I have no idea who it will be. My future date in Regina ended up dating a dude again, so that’s not gonna happen. Maybe I will meet someone entirely new. It’s coming up pretty quick. She says it should have already happened though. Who is it??? So curious! I hope they live in Saskatoon and aren’t prejudiced against intergenerational households!

And now for something boring: I went to the dentist today! I got my teeth cleaned and it HURT SO MUCH and she went under the gums to get out calculus or whatever the hell it is called. I don’t think it’s called calculus is it? That’s a type of arithmetic. And this thing she used gave off a high pitched squealing noise and freaked me out! It went right down my neck and made me squirm! So I have to go back on the 2nd for more cleaning, and a filling! Sigh!

I’ve been having the best sleeps since I got home, I fall asleep right away! Well, except for last night after I got the message from my friend and found out I was restricted. I kind of lay awake for a while fretting and feeling bad. But I saw tiny lights in the room sort of flying around. Spirits I guess. One was small and green, and swooped up from the pillow into the air. They seemed friendly. I hadn’t seen or heard any spirits in Germany, so I guess they like to hang around on Canadian soil. There are a lot of them here. I felt like they were checking in on me to make sure I was okay. Which was really nice. I do know a lot of dead people. Apparently they don’t like being called dead people though.

It’s cold out here. I am sitting in the sun porch. My hair is greezy! I should wash it. I have no clue what the future will bring anymore. Maybe I should listen to my psychic reading again. I hope my friend and I make up. I don’t know how long she’s going to avoid me. :/ I hope this doesn’t end up making me avoid telling people I love them when I do. It seems to be a harsh penalty to pay.


I have been having the craziest dreams. I’m not sure why. I think it might be because I have stopped using everything. Last night I dreamt my sister Sky and I were dressed like cakes with yellow icing because “Yellow is the colour of sisters!” The night before that I dreamt I was desperately searching amongst my friends for a girlfriend, and I couldn’t find anyone because they were all with other people, meanwhile I was in this lavish building during a party of some kind and I knew I was going to have a good life, and there was this magical lighthouse you could see through the window that was giant and spewed bursts of fire and black birds were flying out of the fire without being burned. And the night before that I dreamt I was going to Emily Carr again but to get there I had to climb a tall grassy cliff, and I managed to do it! Then I was driving my mom home and all these police and people in hazardous materials outfits were milling around our house and I asked mum what they were doing there and she said it was because someone asked her what she was living on and she said she was running a meth lab! And then the LAST part of that dream I was friends with Nicole Kidman and we kept acting out scenes with each other (no, not BDSM scenes, just film scenes) and then one day I got really mad at her for some reason and choked her and then she wouldn’t trust me ever again and THEN I gave her baby dog cookies and she got really pissed off.

I don’t know why I am having such intense dreams. I guess my subconscious is processing a lot of things. It’s a nice trade off, to quit mind altering substances and still have the chance to experience mind altering dreams! I really like the visuals I am getting too. Sometimes my dreams are a bit disturbing, but then I am just glad to wake up and say “Whew! It was only a dream!”

Sometimes dreams mean something, but I think sometimes it’s just weird shit! No meaning at all, just bizarre stories. The dreams that frustrate me the most are the ones for which there is no language to describe them, at least not in English. I’ll want to articulate them but I can’t, and because I can’t describe them, I forget them! Those ones always seem the most magical too, which is a shame that they are indescribable.

I think I can tell when a dream has meaning. Sometimes it takes me a while to find out the meaning. For a while I was having dreams about pulling broken glass out of my mouth, not eating glass, just suddenly FINDING it there! And it was a recurring dream so I knew it has something profound behind it. Then I found out my late Grandfather used to chew glass when he was in the military to seem really tough! It was just him saying hello to me. What was really remarkable about that was it was a piece of information I didn’t have before the dreams started.

That dream about the black horse seemed pretty profound too.

The meth lab one seems pretty silly though. Which is why I say some of my dreams are just weird shit!

Using in Dreams and wrapping up my Residency

Well I will be running out of money soon, so I have to start working quick when I get home. I am hoping to stretch out my dollarz until the end of my Berlin holiday, I guess we will see what happens! I am almost done my video! 😀 So awesome! I’m pretty pleased about that. Mum doesn’t have an income at the moment, which is worrying. So basically I am going to have to take over a lot of bills and stuff, if I can. I dunno! Yikes!

I’m feeling more capable in FCP X in terms of effects and making adjustments and so on, so that’s good.

I’m thinking a lot about someone. But I’m hesitant to talk about it! Anyway, there’s that. It could turn out really awesomely, or it could make me kind of sad, but I know I would get over it. It won’t kill me to at least SAY something that I truly feel. It would be good for me, even if nothing comes of it. And to be honest when I HAVE told friends I feel these things for them, it usually brings us closer together even when a romantic relationship doesn’t develop.

I’m going to be finding out about my BIG GRANT when I get home. I had a dream all these traditional aboriginal people didn’t like You Are A Lesbian Vampire and were writing nasty things about it. And I was like “That’s why I didn’t get my grant!!!” I’m really worried about homophobia impacting my arts funding. Anyway, I should find out in the middle of August, which is usually when I find out. This is my third year in a row applying for funding. I am hoping my script is written well enough that they will see it as I intend it. It’s ambitious but I am sure I can do it! And then: Fame and Fortune! 😀 Ha ha ha, it would be kind of amazing if a film about a mentally ill first nations lesbian became famous! Maybe it will find a niche market!

My cousin is moving back home today, he has been to treatment. FINALLY! So I am hoping he stays sober and doesn’t become an asshole again. It’s pretty exciting!

And less than two weeks until I come home. Monday the 23rd at 8 or something I arrive back in Saskatoon. And then I can get back to my life: going to the gym, working on people’s video projects, playing with the dogs, getting together books about lesbian spectatorship, writing an academic paper on lesbian spectatorship in pop culture, looking for people to write reference letters for me for grad school, going to the beach with Shavonne and Friends, drinking alcohol free Becks, picking up needles twice a week.

OMG! I keep having using dreams! I had this one dream I was totally smoking up at my six month anniversary! And then I told my mom, “Don’t worry, I’m only gonna get high for two days” but I knew it was really going to be for a long time! YIPES! My willpower is completely non-existent in my dreams. I even had a dream I choked my friend Nicole Kidman! :O

BUT WAIT! I think I did get my grant in my dream! Oooh la la!

Nicole Kidman is not my friend in Real Life. Real Life kinda sucks!

No it doesn’t! I am in Germany and having space to make a video! And starting Sunday I will have time off to be having my holiday in Berlin! 😀 Summer Holidays! 😀 Grooving out with friends! 😀 Fun fun fun!

I am still trying to find a place to stay in Berlin. It’s a little scary! If I can’t find a place, I do have a private room in a hostel booked (can’t do dorm rooms anymore!), but it will cost me nearly 400 dollars Canadian and I really can’t just spend that much money on housing. That’s practically my rent for a month! So I am checking with SO MANY people. Hoping someone can come up with housing for me. If I had another thousand dollars I wouldn’t care about having to shell out that much money, but my funds are limited. So, eeeeeeeeee! Cross fingers! 😮

My artist in residency is wrapping up. I am starting to be more happy with my video, but I still have some questions around it. I think the voice over is decent enough. Mom was trying to put doubts into my head about it today, which is jerky, but she does that a lot around my career.

Editing Begins

I started cutting together my video last week, but yesterday I finally recorded my monologue and so I have really begun in earnest to edit. I went through the monologue and chopped out all the papers rustling and bad takes and weird mouth noises. I have a nine minute fifteen second eighteen frame video now. And now the real fun begins because I can start marrying imagery to the voice over. And also cut back and forth between me reading and the images. I need more images though, I think. We’ll see. I feel like I don’t have enough! And I really need to reshoot some bits, the crotch shots would look better as close ups, for one thing, because the full body shots do not work with the HDV format. The size of the screen is kind of awkward, I am used to working with a more squareish sized screen.

I’ve been looking more at the footage I do have, and it looks like I have enough, although I still want to do the crotch shots. I just think they could be nice.

It’s been over two weeks that I have been in Hamburg. It’s been pretty relaxed, not hectic at all. I like having the space to do my art. I spent about a week and a half writing and shooting, and now I am shooting and editing. I’ve been going to Bildwechsel Hamburg to see videos, it’s been pretty good, I’ve watched some really old depictions of butches, which was nice to see. One of my friends was even in one of the videos, which was cool. I also watched this documentary from England about these older lesbians, like lesbians in their fifties to their eighties. That was pretty cool too.

I haven’t been drinking or smoking or smoking up or doing any drugs! I’ve been totally clean and sober! It’s been really good, I don’t really miss drinking. Although I admit it looks kind of cool when I see people sitting on patios having a brewski. But whatever, I can stay on the wagon.

I’ve missed out on all the NA meetings. I was going to go this Saturday, but I thought it started at 7 and it turns out it starts at 6. So early! I am gonna try next weekend, that will be my last chance to go to one in Hamburg because the next weekend is my video screening and then the day after that I go to Berlin! Tomorrow will be three weeks exactly until I go back to Canada! I’ll be happy to go home I think, I miss Canada. I don’t miss the government or evil Stephen Harper, but I miss my friends and family and the wide sunny skies of Saskatoon!

I am going to have to watch some Youtube tutorials of how to get neato effects in FCP X. I feel like some split screen stuff would be really nice. I wish I had photoshop, that was the best for making graphics for videos. Oh well. Maybe I can download something similar.

I went to Bremen on Friday. I didn’t stay very long. It is made to encourage bicycling, so the roadways are all convoluted and unhelpful. In a way it’s made to waste gas actually. Anyway, I have never been in a city that prioritizes bicycles, so it was kinda cool. I took the train back, it was pretty decent. I got back in an hour and a half. I was nervous because I didn’t get a seat number or car number, but it turned out those were irrelevant. It’s always a bit wild figuring out transport in different countries. Especially when most of the ticket is in another language.

My Mom and I have Skyped almost every day! She holds Little Mister up and I take screen shots of his fuzziness. Sometimes he looks at the screen and tilts his head all quizzically and it’s so adorable!

Well, that’s about all I can talk about today. This residency has been so nice and relaxed! I’ve been basically lounging about thinking and stuff. And now it’s getting really exciting because I am starting to see the fruits of my labor. So I am happy about that!