Hey, Have a Heart!

I’m starting to feel a little bit at loose ends with my sobriety. It’s still relatively new, which makes it exciting and shiny still. But the whole friends thing and trying to do things with people that doesn’t revolve around drinking is kind of rough. It’s made me feel a bit like people aren’t as interested in hanging out with me, although I know that is probably just as much about me not wanting to be around bars these days, or parties. I do still want to go out though. I’ve been hanging around with my mother visiting family a lot, that has been nice. Today we visited the baby and his mom, and then we visited Grandma and Grandpa who got out of the hospital yesterday. Tomorrow we are planting ALL the plants! Including my watermelon, cantaloupe, and three pumpkin plants! Mom and I are also going to Putt N Bounce tomorrow night to play a round of mini golf. So I am keeping very active. This morning I did my needle picking up job, and then went to Concurrent Disorders group.

I found out one of my favorite workers from that group is actually my addictions counselor, and so next week I am making an appointment to see her and have some one on one time with her. I need to develop a plan for my first major travel as a sober person. Plus I just need to talk more in depth about things.

I may as well say now that Steven got kicked out of our house. He’s not staying with his Baby’s Momma either, last we heard he was on his way to brief detox. Hopefully that’s where he is. But it’s been really nice not having him here, just because his drinking was so out of control. He may still come back in the future, but the rules are he has to stay sober. I hope he is ready to quit, because otherwise I don’t know what is going to happen to him.

I’m glad the doctor’s office told me to quit drinking, because now I can’t be wishy washy about it anymore. Before I was totally sitting on the fence about quitting drinking. Today has been two weeks TOTALLY sober! It’s been really good! Not as hard as I thought it would be. I sometimes miss it, but not very much. Weed was really the thing I loved, and I gave that up nineteen weeks ago. That was harder I think. And I am still not smoking cigarettes, which feels really good. I am going to have to shell out mega money for enough nicotine replacement therapy to get through my trip to Germany. I’m okay with that. I’d rather have patches to last for five weeks and eight nicotine lozenge packages than to run out when I am there and get all freaked out and start smoking european cigarettes. What a waste that would be!

It’s funny, my psychic said my next relationship would fall apart when I fell off the wagon! :O I really want to stay on the wagon as long as possible! I hope it’s just booze and not weed! But even booze, ugh! I don’t want to drink again and lose a sweet relationship!

I’m interested in someone, I’ve mentioned this before. I have read a few places that it’s not a good idea to get into a relationship early in your sobriety. Some people say you should wait a year. But I feel like I have been single for so many damned years! Since 2007. That’s what? Five years! Oh man! That’s as long as I have been on Facebook! :O Anyway, the point is I don’t know if I really want to keep waiting. I might have to, more nothing might happen to me! BUT maybe something will happen, and I intend to go as far as I can with it if it does! I really like this woman. She makes me feel things I haven’t felt in a long time, and we have this really nice friendly friendship, and we have a lot in common. Shared values and shared life experiences and there are things about ourselves that overlap in this really intense way. It could be sweet, is what I mean. She might not have sexy feelings towards me though, not anymore. She used to. I hope I still sexually intrigue her, through the power of social networking we have discovered some kinky things in common. That’s always hot! Anyway, I find her really sexy and adorable and there are all kinds of feelings going on. And I don’t want to hide it anymore. If I get rejected that’s okay, I just really don’t want to lose our friendship. Because it means a lot to me, even if she doesn’t want to put her hands down my pants anymore. I’m nervous about telling her how I feel just because of that, because I feel like she gets withdrawn sometimes. And I don’t want to scare her off!

But then she tells me all these things about how she wants a serious relationship these days and that she would move for love and that she feels like she’s ready to be with someone in a really intense loving relationship, and I always want to say “What about with me?” But I don’t! I think I want to talk to her in person about it. I feel a spark there, I just don’t know if she does. But I have to take a risk! I can’t just leave it alone or I will always wonder. Maybe she will read this. But I don’t think she reads my blog. I even told my psychiatrist about her! And my psych nurse! I feel so goofy.

It’s just that I feel based on changing circumstances that there really might be a chance for us, and before I didn’t really know how we could possibly be together. There is a glimmer of hope anyway.

Anyway, that’s been on my mind a lot lately. I felt like this for a long time, but things have really changed a lot in the last several months, including me getting sober and her considering a move in the future sometime. Anyway, blah blah blah! I should shut up about it, especially since I haven’t talked to her about US since last summer. I would like an us. Right now we are just two friends who have lots in common. And if that’s how it stays that’s okay too. I just think, god, we could be such a cute couple! And we could have so much fun together! And I would stay on the wagon for years and years and years!

Ha ha, I know, it’s one day at a time! But when I think of relationships, I like to think in the longterm. Which is funny because so many of my relationships have died at the six month mark. Or three months. They’ve been pretty short! But most of them were based on lust and the friendship thing didn’t develop first. That being said when I met my current love interest, it started out based on lust too. No, that’s not quite true, we talked about a lot of things. We were really connecting and then suddenly there was SEX! Just out of the blue, I don’t even know who made the first move.

I should shut up! Loose lips sink ships! I would erase the last five paragraphs, except I think I finally figured out how to articulate most of my feelings to her and so I want to save it to refer to for later. If something happens I will start mentioning her by her first name (so as to somewhat preserve her anonymity but also give her more of a personality besides “this woman I fancy!”).

I should go to sleep. It’s almost one thirty am and I have to plant a garden in the morning before the strongest rays of the sun pummel me!

It might be kind of nice if she did read this. But who knows! I talk about such goofy stuff in my blog. It’s so personal! People tell me I have no filter, well if I really didn’t have a filter I would probably also detail sexy raunchy stuff I want to do to/with her! But I won’t. I will spare you that much at least!

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