You Could Have Had It All

I’m addicted to my breasts. I love them just like they’re my kids.

Ha ha, no I’m not, that’s just some woman on the next episode of My Strange Addiction. My kids are Little Mister and Beatrix Kitty. Who are both sitting on the couch with me, Beatrix is meditating by the looks of it and Mister is having a snooze.

Today was a decent day. I went on two bus rides just to get out of the house and went to NA for half an hour (I forgot the meeting started at 8, I thought it started at 8:30 but that is the SOS group!). Next week I can pick up my 30 day chip. That’s pretty exciting, because so far I just have two “Just for Today” keychains. Today is day 25.

I have to admit, I am depressed. I am super bummed out and it feels like it’s always gonna feel this way (because that is what depression is like) and I know based on what I have read that I just have to grit my teeth and get through the next couple of weeks or so and then it will lift. It’s the withdrawals. If it doesn’t lift in three weeks I might make an appointment with my psychiatrist and ask if I need my antidepressant upped. She would know what to do. I see my psych nurse on the 27th or 28th, and I will talk to her about it and how I am feeling.

I also haven’t worked out as much this last week. That could be contributing to my lack of zest for life. It was really helping me before. I need to get back into it.

My psychic says I need to focus more, and that is true. I am working on it. Sometimes it seems really impossible, my brain is just all over the place. I have a desk and chair now, so I can actually set up my office. I am gonna devote an hour to that at the end of the day tomorrow so I can work down there, because while I have been working in the living room while Mum was away, when she comes back she is gonna want to watch TV again and will chase me away.

Wow, this woman is smelling mothballs all day. And this dude before was having a relationship with his car and actually had sex with it. What’s he gonna do when his car is dead?

My psychic says I have to get picky and find someone who’s decent, someone who can be my best friend. That makes sense. I think someday soon, when more of the withdrawals have gone away, I am gonna make a list of what I want in a partner. Aw crap, and I have to write my five year plan too! Although really she says I should just focus on my career right now and the rest will be ready to happen very soon.

I do have a big grant coming up that I have to work on next month, I am applying for funds to make Bunnyhug. I’ve only been talking about it the whole time I have been writing this blog. If I can’t get cash to make it I am not sure what I will do. BUT hopefully because it is so meticulously thought out I will be a shoe in.

Where does that phrase “shoe in” come from anyway? Like a shoe in the door? Probably. Actually that makes the most sense.

Is it bad that part of me worries that NA folks are lowlifes? I know, I am being prejudiced. It’s just that my reasons for using were so different than some of theirs. Like they had abuse and stuff, where as I was mostly using to self medicate my bipolar disorder. Although I know probably a lot of them were self medicating too. I dunno, I have only been to three meetings, I can’t make assumptions about any of them.

I noticed that there are some notable babes out and about these days. I saw two girls on Saturday that seemed like hotties, and two girls at NA that were pretty hot. But I didn’t get any numbers or anything. I am just noticing. I think that’s a pretty good sign, it means I am starting to be open to someone new coming into my life. Before I was pretty wrapped up in being all moony over the past Big love. But now that I am sure it is never going anywhere, I feel like I can move on. No more waiting. No more feeling like garbage. No more asking for approval!

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