Monthly Archives: January 2012

Echoes in my Heart

Beatrix ISN’T being given away ASAP anymore. Now we are giving her a month to calm down and stop peeing on clothes and in the laundry basket and stuff. I hope she does calm down, because she is pretty sweet. And she’s a manx, so she has a little stump tail and that is really cute. People always ask me what happened to her, like she had her tail chopped off or something. I call her Stumpy sometimes. Deanna thinks she is self conscious of not having a longer tail, but I don’t think she cares.

Tomorrow will be FOUR WEEKS of not smoking! I’ve got to keep going! I am so close! I just have to keep not puffing and not hanging around people who are smoking cigarettes. I can do it! And after that I’ll finish off my first official month as a non-smoker. I really want to stay smober. I’m feeling so much better physically and mentally as a result of not smoking. My self esteem is even better. Like I have found a strength I can nurture.

I am wrestling with emotions about various women in my life, as in romantic interests and past romantic interests. One old crush is kind of pissing me off. Mostly just because I think she likes having lots of people like her but not really being serious. Like toying with people’s emotions. And I got over my crush a long time ago and didn’t care very much, but now I am just feeling irritated.

And then just when I thought I was getting over someone else she was actually being sort of sweet and it made me melt a bit and I am back where I was liking someone who doesn’t want to be with me. BUT I know we would be so good together! I feel like we would just make sense being with each other. And I’ve never had such good sexual chemistry with anyone else before. And even the kisses were the all time best kisses of my life EVER and I’ve kissed a lot of people, some of whom were much older with much more experience kissing. But these were just dreamy kisses. Oh man. The kind of kisses where you don’t want them to ever end, where your lips linger on each others at the end like neither person really wants to stop.

It would totally change my life if she gave me another chance. But I think she is through with me. I did meet someone who seemed like the kind of person I could settle down with, but she’s not really a possibility even though we had our moments of bliss. I know even if I didn’t get back together with the One I want to be The One, I would eventually find another One. It wouldn’t be the same though, at all. I have these really sweet submissive feelings about that One and I’ve never felt them with anyone else before. I’m usually more on the masochistic side than the submissive side. The two don’t always go together. But in this case they are both there. Sigh, and then the memory of those kisses still echoes in my heart.

Plus she was really fun to talk to, she was so smart and knew about all kinds of things and you could have a conversation with her about anything. And sometimes she seemed so deadly serious so it was fun to make her laugh about something.

Plus I gave her my virginity when we were teenagers. And for a while I thought it was a mistake, because she didn’t want to be my girlfriend and my first girlfriend was actually someone else. And we lost touch and all kinds of things happened to me and because of me and then I found her one day after I moved back to my hometown. And not through facebook either, or classmates, just from google! And we were close for a while until it all went to hell because I got sick. And then we might have been close again except I blacked out some of the time when I was crazy and I didn’t remember what I changed my password for my email to, nor did I remember the answer to my security question, for something like three years! And she had sent an email wondering how I was. But I didn’t get it for a really long time.

It’s kind of a tragic story really. They say bipolar disorder destroys relationships pretty frequently. It makes me worry. After I got diagnosed it took me a really long time to find someone I liked who wanted to be intimate with me, and I think part of that had to do with stigma. Then when I did have someone sweet, I acted out because I was out of control because I went off my meds.

And falling in love is actually super stressful, even if it is the second time you have fallen in love with that person.

I blame my psychic. I wouldn’t have this problem except for a cryptic thing she said. She saw what was going to happen when I went crazy and we broke up or whatever, and it made her go “WOAH! That is a messy breakup!” And then she said “Oh! You could make a go of it. But you will always be suspicious.” And I immediately thought, suspicious of what? But now I don’t even care if I am suspicious of something, I just keep thinking about that glimmer of possibility that the spirits she was consulting with alluded to. Could we? It’s haunted me ever since, because of all the women I have ever loved, there was only one I actually seriously wanted to marry.

I’ve never lived with a lover. I don’t know what it is like being with my beloved on a daily basis. Trying to negotiate how to keep a home. I just never dated someone I felt that sure about I guess.

I still have this three year plan in my head. It goes like this. Year One: Dating. Year Two: Living together. Year Three: Getting engaged and getting married at the end of the year. I feel like I don’t want to rush into anything. Maybe I would rush anyway. But I don’t know, going through all those stages of a relationship is important I think. How will you know you want to marry someone if you don’t live with them first? How will you know you want to live with someone if you don’t spend at least a year just on dates?

So I don’t know who I will get to do the three year plan with. But the other thing my psychic said is I would get together with someone I would be with for the rest of my life.

And that’s all I have ever really wanted. I’ve always been looking for a forever with somebody. I am going to turn 34 in April. I feel like I am finally ready for it to happen.

A New Beginning: 2012

All beginnings are new actually, so it’s kind of a redundant title. But I wanted to open with something that sounds inspiring.

I didn’t have a cigarette this New Years Eve, even though I was at a bar and could have just walked out and bought one from someone standing outside in the cold with fifty cents. BUT NO! I used my money for drinks and some other stuff and I had a good time, I didn’t even really think about cigarettes until someone asked me if I was going to smoke. I said no. Because I don’t even really WANT to smoke. It grosses me out. And I read this quit smoking quote that went something like “If I smoke I will be back where I started, and where I started was wanting to be where I am now.” It’s true. I hated smoking. I just wanted to give it up. And I did give it up over and over and over. I just kept going back to it, it would start with thinking one puff wouldn’t hurt and I could go back to my quit. But I didn’t go back to my quit after that puff, it lead to another puff, and another, until I was at the store buying cigarettes again because everyone was annoyed with me bumming theirs. Bad bad bad!

Ironically, I was going to cap off the year by puffing on that thing I love that isn’t tobacco, but nobody had any last night! :O It was shocking! I was going to puff away and then try six sober weeks. But there was nothing to be had. Sooooo, I dunno. Should I just go straight into my six sober weeks, or should I get some stuff and have a last hurrah? I get paid tomorrow, and I have to see The Dude anyway to pay him back some money. It would make sense to get some. But maybe I am just making excuses. My brain is trying to come up with any flimsy reason to buy more. Flim flam!

This week we start using our leisure cards. I am going to fork out the thirty bucks to get acquainted with the gym equipment. I want some muscle definition in my arms. I don’t care about a flat tummy or even losing weight, I just want to know I will have stamina when I am finally having sex again. Some girls take a really long time to climax and it sucks to have your arm give out when they are on the verge. I suppose by this logic I should also be licking a lot of ice cream cones. What the hell can you do to exercise your tongue? Tongue twisters? I dunno. Ululating?

Maybe.

Kissing would be good tongue exercise, but I have no one to kiss, so that’s out.

And yet because I quit smoking, I am so much more kissable! 😀 I would actually taste nice, not like a divine ashtray.

I have to get serious about my business. BLAH! I don’t even feel like writing about all the things I have to do regarding that. But I should make myself a plan for the next six months of what I am going to do.

This week we will HOPEFULLY find out about the grants we applied for, Mum applied for a grant to make some new work and go to a bead store in Washington (the state), and I applied to do a video about being butch and also do the editing in Hamburg at a residency. So I don’t know what will happen, I hope I get it. I’ve been feeling very discouraged about grants these days. The last two years I have only gotten travel grants. Also I am thinking about getting started on writing a production grant application, which will be due April 1st in the Aboriginal Section. I’m nervous about that too, because you can only apply with a project twice and then that project is killed if you don’t get your grant. Which is what happened to my Mars video, which is sad because I thought it was a really good idea and would have advanced my career a lot.

Sometimes I feel so misunderstood.

I’m interested in telling stories about queer folks that are about larger topics and just happen to have queer characters in them. Like Bunnyhug is a queer film but it’s really about going crazy. That kind of thing.

I have to call PAVED Arts on Tuesday and rent some equipment, but they don’t have a list of their mobile equipment on their website anymore, which is problematic!

Automatic problematic.

There is a small child here and both the other adults who look after him are sleeping. So I am stuck being a child wrangler. I’m not doing a very good job of it either, right now he is turning the water on and off.

I moved my bedroom upstairs on Friday. I am liking it so far, but I dislike that I can’t shut the door or the dogs and cat freak out in the middle of the night and paw at it and scratch it, and it doesn’t matter if they are in or out of the room, they paw at it either way.

I did come to a major decision though. Beatrix Kitty has started peeing on everything, so I am going to let her go to a different home. If she keeps peeing on their stuff, then I am going to suggest she move to the country and be a barn cat. It sucks, because she is a really sweet kitty, but I can’t stand it when cats pee on my stuff. It’s a dealbreaker for me.

Anyway, three dogs is enough, we don’t need a cat too.

Oooh! I gotta go! Cripes! Maybe I will write more laterz!