I was looking for a book in the library on quitting smoking and then when I didn’t find one I wanted to read I started looking in the section on recovery from addiction. I found this book called Clean: a new generation in recovery speaks out written by Chris Beckman from the Real World. I looked at it a bit more in the car and felt like maybe I was too old for it since it was geared towards youth in recovery. But as I read it doing my silly loop around on the bus it started making me think about poor decisions I had made while stoned and being in pursuit of highs, decisions that lead me to lose a really good job and a cheap place to live. And as I read about all this crazy shit Chris had been through during his using years, I realized I was not that different really, my using was not special or safe because it was mostly marijuana. I still put myself in dodgy situations and screwed up certain parts of my life, like being so stoned I didn’t care to clean my house or myself or do work or make art even, something I had been so passionate about during art school and even high school.
So I read the whole book cover to cover in a few hours. It wasn’t a long book, but it was still a lot of information to digest. I found myself being irritated by all the mistakes he and other people in the book had made, and then it made me irritated with myself.
The last time I used was yesterday at noon. I didn’t really mean to quit yesterday, I just got tired of what little I had left and didn’t bother to keep smoking it. I HAVE meant to quit smoking since before new years, since years before then even. It was on my list, to do my six sober weeks and then decide what to do about it after doing that. Like if I should go back to it or not.
It’s time to do my six sober weeks. I am going to keep drinking, for now, because I don’t feel as compelled to drink as I do to smoke. But I am going to try really hard to abstain from that thing I love that has fucked up my life.
I don’t like NA, but I did find the online Marijuana Anonymous meeting schedule and wandered into a chat room where I got some informal support. Which helped. I felt shy and sheepish, so I didn’t stay long.
I worked out tonight on the treadmill because I hear exercise is really good when detoxing, since marijuana is fat soluble and so burning off some fat is just good to get it out of your system. Also I drank a whole pot of chamomile tea to relax myself. I got that a while ago because I know I am going to get SUPER BITCHY and generally unpleasant to be around for a while. It could be weeks. I am not looking forward to it. But smoking up just to put off the inevitable irritability isn’t going to work. It will just keep me in the hamster wheel of marijuana addiction.
I think marijuana should be legalized. I think there are people who can use it responsibly. I just don’t think I am one of those people.
It’s been 33 hours since I have smoked up. I am going to try to hold on to that. I’m going away for the weekend and I know I will be around someone who may smoke up a bit while I am with them. That makes me a nervous. I should really just tell him straight up that I am trying to stay clean. He would respect that I think.
Wow. A book on becoming sober might have helped me become sober. The library, is there anything it can’t do?