Tomorrow morning at 10am will be 7 days since I have had a cigarette! I made it through a weekend including partying without smoking a single puff! I am so amazed, it wasn’t as hard as I thought it would be. Drinking is kind of a trigger for smoking for me, but I made it through without following my friends outside for a cigarette. I went out a couple times with them just because I didn’t like being the only one inside, but it was so cold and it felt kind of silly to have to stand outside.
So hopefully this continues. I am feeling pretty committed to a smoke free life. It’s such a waste of money and I don’t want to die early. And I don’t want to expose other people to my cigarette smoke either.
I really need to make a new video. I hope I get my Mars video funding. That would be a lot of fun to make. Just wish and hope for the best. I already wrote the grant so now it’s out of my control.
Whether or not I get my funding I should also make a short self funded video. Sometimes I feel like I can push the envelope more with work that isn’t tied to a funding agency. Like Untouchable, I wasn’t paid to make that by any funding agency, I just had access to resources. I was lucky! I had my own camera and the Video In 3/4″ editing suite. I want to make some more work like that.
I just feel very uninspired these days. I’m not sure what I feel pressed to talk about. Usually something makes me angry and I make a video about it and it’s about my various oppressions and turns out to be political. But I don’t know what I feel angry about.
It’s been an ongoing worry ever since I got on psychiatric medications, I feel a little bit empty, a little less passionate. It sucks. Even my happiness is just a titch muted, and I can tell. My sadness too. But what am I supposed to do about it? I was REALLY overmedicated before, even my psych nurse says so, and she has known me ever since then. Anyway, it makes me feel a little careless, like I don’t care, to say anything. Like if you don’t get it you don’t get it and who am I to point out what an ignorant asshole someone is being because they are being an ist, like racist sexist ageist ableist. All the ists! I’m tired of pointing it out. Let people go to hell in a handbasket!
But I also realize that those sort of attitudes left unchecked wreak havoc on basic human rights for all of us deemed outside the borders of normal. So it’s not really good to not care.
I care enough about my self preservation that I quit smoking cigarettes. That must count for something. I’m not quite so self destructive now.
I do care though, about certain people. It’s kind of weird. I don’t know what to do about any of that either. I’m fairly romantically inept. And being poly makes things a little more complex. Because poly means something different to everyone really. And my last poly girlfriend could have been fine with something the next poly girlfriend takes exception to. Like some poly people want a main partner and others don’t want hierarchies in their romantic partnerships or whatevers.
I don’t really care if I have bunches of girlfriends, just one would really be enough for me.
I finally put half of my music onto my restored iPod. I have doubled up entries for the same song file in all of my itunes, and I don’t know how to get rid of it but after going from Abba to Tori Amos picking every other file, I selected a block of files and it didn’t duplicate files in my iPod. I was impressed!
I apologize for how boring that last story was.
I have heard these tales I am not supposed to tell about half horse people at a certain reserve here in Saskatchewan. I’ve heard it from three different people. Spooky! There are some bizarre supernatural beings in North America.
Once I was talking with my friend Lynx Hell and she was like “Yeah, and all those immigrants brought their THINGS with them!” And I was like “What things?” And she said “You know, their little spirits and stuff like leprechauns and banshees” and I was like “They brought their THINGS with them!!!!!???” I mean, it’s probably true. Supernatural Diaspora!