Monthly Archives: May 2011

Sometimes Straight Guys Suck! And other people suck too!

I think there is this really creepy tension sometimes between Lesbians and Straight Guys. It freaks me out. Especially when I have a Lesbian section on my Google News and keep reading slews of stories of “corrective rape” and murder of Lesbians in South Africa all the time. Straight guys are obsessed with Lesbians! Like, SUPER obsessed! I don’t know if straight women are obsessed with Gay men, somehow I don’t think so. But it’s that whole challenge thing. Like they feel they have something to prove and want to make Lesbians into straight women. It’s so FUCKING GROSS! Like, how much of a creep do you have to be?

I recently had a falling out with a friend because he kept making comments about “bringing you back to the good side” and fucked up shit like that. It creeped me out and made me feel unsafe. I don’t think straight men realize how creepy they sound when they talk like that.
Creep creep creep!

I don’t mind if guys flirt with me once in a while, although I don’t flirt back, because flirting is pretty harmless. But making comments about converting someone’s minority sexuality is pretty fucking EFFED UP! It’s hard enough being a dyke without having some ignorant straight dude sexually harrassing me. And it was becoming this ongoing series of comments for the last few times we have gotten together, and it just REALLY pissed me off.

So I wrote an fb status about it and said get out of my life and now we are not friends. Officially. Because we aren’t friends on fb. It’s such a weird way of not being friends with someone, to go so far as to delete them from your contacts. Life in the 21st Century.

I’m kind of tired of having my lesbianism challenged by so many people. I should actually mention that it hasn’t just been straight guys who have said I wasn’t a lesbian, it’s been straight women and trans men and when I was a teen some older lesbians said I couldn’t be a lesbian yet because I was too young.

But you know what? The truth is, I HATE STUBBLY FACES AND FLAT CHESTS! It’s not so much penises that turn me off, it’s the whole rest of it. Privilege and taking up space and being uber hairy and too hot temperature wise and kinda smelly and having genitals that taste like bread dough is pretty unappealing to me as well. I AM SUCH A LESBIAN! OMG!

I dunno. Maybe if I had a girlfriend this whole thing would stop and I would get my Lesbian I.D. in the mail. I think people question my sexuality because there really aren’t many Lesbians in the world, in comparison to say, bisexuals or straight people. So EVEN THOUGH I knew at fourteen I was a lesbian and not straight or even bisexual, even though I have never fallen in love with a man, even though I have never had a boyfriend, I still get my sexuality challenged.

I dunno, for some reason I think it’s rude. I guess because I don’t do it to other people. I mean, I could suspect someone is a different sexuality than what they are living, but I don’t see the point in harrassing them about it or challenging them. Why not let people live lives the way they want? What is so wrong about me being a Lesbian that people believe my innate sexuality is a myth? What do I have to do to prove I am a Lesbian, and why should I have to prove it.

Everyone is surprised when they learn my first kiss and first sexual experience was with a girl, but it was. I was a nerd so it happened all on the same night when I was seventeen. I mean, if someone was going to kiss me and I really liked them and I had a chance, why not go all the way? But until then I spent three years being challenged on my sexuality because I was a virgin, and how could I know I was a Lesbian until I had sex? Which is a stupid thing to think. Straight people certainly don’t get questioned about being straight if they are virgins.

It’s all so weird. So anyway. So I don’t have a boyfriend for the rest of my life. Whatever. I don’t feel like I am missing out on anything by being exclusively romantic with women. Women are more romantic anyway. And they have such soft skin. And femmes are really beautiful. Well, so are butches, but I do like smart funny sophisticated beautiful femmes. And plus femmes are the ones who get me to open up and be vulnerable in intimate situations, and I am pretty sure I wouldn’t have that same dynamic with a dude. I can be just as inscrutable as the most detached male, so two of us together would be a BAD combination.

Amber Dawn once said I do better when I am in a relationship. I don’t know how I feel about that. It’s true I actually clean and keep myself more groomed when I am entertaining a lady on an ongoing basis. But also, I think I am more in touch with my deep feelings when I am having intimate conversations with a lover.

I still remember the morning after a night of great sex when I made Amber Dawn blueberry and mango crepes and told her I loved her. That was such a great day! 😀 See, women make me feel squishy feelings. And squishy feelings makes me do nice things for them.

I still like all my exes. They were pretty awesome. Too bad we had such a short time for a relationship, but then maybe I am remembering them in an idealized way. I am sure there were issues.

But anyway, yes, being a Lesbian is hard sometimes. I wish people would just learn to accept me as I am and quit trying to change me. And that includes people in the queer community.

Surgery consultation in June!

I finally got a call about my gallbladder surgery, and I have a consultation this June. I am relieved. I also found out today I missed my appointment with the gynecologist to talk about ablation. Mainly I don’t want to have to get a hysterectomy later. Like all the other women in my family.

Boring, all I talk about these days on Facebook is all my medical issues, it drives me crazy, I feel like a 33 year old fuddy duddy. And then I think, maybe that really is all that is going on with me. Medical problems. I am old. When I was a kid my main problem was extreme anxiety, now MEDS tAke care of that but I have all kinds of other problems. I really don’t want diabetes.

OMG!!!! I almost forgot, I quit eating meat! It’s been something I have thought seriously about for a few years, but it’s gotten to a point where I can’t eat meat without gagging. I’m not opposed to meat eaters or anything, and I am not running off to join those sexists and racists at PETA, but for now I am a vegetarian. The only problem is I really don’t know what I am doing. I don’t know how to cook without meat except for a couple recipes, and I don’t know how to have a balanced diet. I feel kind of weird and it has been a few days now, I really should look it up and plan some meals. It’s a big step. Maybe now I can become a real Buddhist, whatever that entails!

I’m slowly evolving towards something, but I can’t tell what yet. I thought I was going to become healthy the way people always say you have to do it, by having a no fun life of no drinking and smoking up and carousing. But now I am feeling more lenient about myself, like I could feel okay about myself even if I smoke weed a lot. Although I don’t know. I really like it. Whatever. But there are different things I am more interested in exploring. Like sex! I would like to have more sex please! I feel so ripped off by my pitiful track record. And what the he’ll am I doing living in Saskatoon? Someone remind me why I think staying here is a good idea? Oh yeah, POVERTY. Damn.

See what I really need to do is get all writery and chain-smoke while pumping out the Great Canadian Aboriginal Lesbian Novel for a couple of years, maybe drink into a black out a couple more times while shooting video of all the people I meet. Aw crap, I just realized I can’t buy street hotdogs anymore. I have a lot to do! I need to write a best seller so I can happily retire on the royalties.

I need to do more of what I love, I think that’s where my future lies. As God is my witness I will never work in a call centre again!

I finally went downtown and showed my paystub so I can keep riding the bus with a twenty dollar pass every month instead of a seventy one dollar pass. It’s good until November! Subsidized bus fares are awesome!

I need to go scrounge up something delicious and vegetarian for dinner, so I will go now.

The sun porch is lovely this time of year.

I turned 33!!!!! I’m growing up, not down, like a goose or a carrot! Up like a mighty oak!

Anyway, I learned that my ability to throw parties is on par with my ability to grow plants, which is not at all. So I surrender! I will not invite my friends to see each other and celebrate me!

I cleaned the sun porch today! I’m out here right now, writing this blog! I haven’t written here for a while, and believe me, I feel guilty for not keeping up with writing one page a day. But I have been busy! Believe me!

I feel like I have accomplished something immensely great by cleaning the sun porch, mostly because I did it in an hour and now it’s actually a nice place to hang out. It gets crazy dirty over the winters. I also added 2:18 minutes to my video program. I am still short six minutes. I need a six minute short.

I’m feeling generally okay, I forgot three days of morning mess in a row recently and got mildly depressed. But I pulled through! Mess equals MEDS of course, I am writing on an iPad.

The dogs, cat, and I are all grooving in the sun porch listening to Sexy Boy by Air.

I couldn’t be a boy, it would annoy the he’ll out of me. He’ll meaning hell of course! I like spending time with women far too much to be a boy. Plus I hear their washrooms are disgusting.