Monthly Archives: April 2011

Nothing more than feelings . . .

My tummy hurts! Ahhhhhh! I think that one big gallstone that is in the way is trying to go through my duct but can’t get in the opening, and it’s just pushing and pushing and ARG! I hate having gallstones. I want the damn thing cut out of me already, it’s been a really awful couple of years. I drank three pops and some fried food and I think that’s gotten to me. I have had to cut back drastically on my pop intake, and I was doing pretty good, one pop a day, my tummy wasn’t bothering me. But then I had three today! Oh noes!

Anyway, that really wasn’t what I wanted to talk about. What I wanted to talk about is being frustrated by my addictions and feeling like a low life trying to talk about it. FUCK! Why do I belong to stigmatized segments of society? Is it because I am an artist? No! It is because I am a Thirza, with flaws and strengths that sometimes fight with each other.

Ever since my ex told me she didn’t want to be with me because I had no drive, ambition, or willpower, and that my inability to conquer my addictions reveals a character flaw, I’ve been using pretty hardcore! Like “OH yeah! Well fuck you I’m gonna go get drunk with my friends and puke over the side of the bed and smoke so much pot I will have forgotten you!” And it kind of worked, I did forget about her, and move on. But I also treated my body terribly and now it doesn’t feel good. And maybe part of it made me throw in the towel on cutting back and so forth. Like “Well Rheanne already said I failed at quitting so I might as well FAIL!”

God my tummy hurts! One small relief is that the searing pain of having a stone go through my duct hasn’t happened in a while since this horking great big stone got in the way.

Still hurts though.

A friend of mine has been pestering me to reveal feelings. I thought I already did, but I guess I am a bit closed off still. I dunno, what feelings? I have feelings about everything, but since I have a mood disorder and am being treated for it, they manifest differently than they did before. I still fall crazy in love and all that, and if a movie is really sad I will cry. Maybe I just don’t feel like I have any feelings I want to share. I try to take the middle road on feelings and not get caught up in sadness or manic happiness. I dunno. So many things have happened to me in my life that I just kind of plod along like an ox pulling a plow. And then I do have wildly fantastic secret feelings that I always let slip out in subtle ways around friends. Like how I feel about certain persons and getting a goofy smile on my face when I talk about them. Really though I want to make grand gestures and get caught up in love and stuff. But it’s kind of hard when one interest is recovering from major surgery and the other lives over the ocean. Kind of puts a damper on declaring feelings and so forth.

BUT REALLY! What feelings? I shall have to think of what I am feeling these days.

I am feeling anxious about my grandparents. I know they won’t be around much longer and I want to see them lots. We see them probably a couple times a week. My granny is getting so frail and already her spinal discs are disintegrating. And my Grandpa doesn’t hear very well anymore. They were fairly prominent in my childhood and I’ve always had a close bond to them. I’m scared about saying goodbye.

I am feeling a sore tummy. Oh, you know that. Well I am feeling nervous about my upcoming surgery, I am worried I will wake up on the operating table.

I’m scared for my future because I am starting my own business and haven’t got any equipment yet and need to do some more work, and will always be having to do more work, and I have had to turn down work because I don’t have equipment.

OH! I am happy about one new development in my life. Little Pine First Nations, my reserve, has bought land just outside of Saskatoon near Wanuskewin and my Mum and I are going to get a little plot of land and build a container house duplex with a shared kitchen and laundry room. We figure we can do it with three containers, and we will have a fence to keep out wildlife and keep in our dogs, and a hot tub, and a fire pit and a deck. And if I decide to move to a big city for a while or something, she can use my half for her studio. And because it will be reserve land, we won’t have to pay taxes on anything we make and anything we order by mail.

And there will be no bloody basement!

I feel frustrated with my addictions because they are so fun and social, and while I do a lot of solitary smoking, I also have a lot of nameless friends who partake with me while chillaxing. I don’t know, maybe even if I just cut out the solitary smoking. I’m confused. MY psych nurse just wants me to stop completely, but I have a lot of reservations about that.

I’m worried about a cousin of mine, because I am not sure she is really out of the danger zone yet from a mental health episode and I worry she has thrown away her medication and I don’t want to see her have to go back to the hospital for a third time this year. And because I wrecked my relationship when I went off my meds, I am worried about people going off their meds. Sooner or later they all seem to end up in the hospital having to take meds again, and some of those meds don’t work as well if they are always being stopped and started. And also just because I know the body is really exhausted after a manic episode and typically coming down from one involves a bit of suicidal thinking. At least for me.

It’s because it is embarrassing to lose control and run around with no clothes and write scores of emails to a lover which estranges them because they are so bizarre. And also because all the seratonin gets used up in a manic episode and your body has to get it back to regular levels, so you feel like the best option is to walk off a bridge or something. And some people do it, as we well know. My post-manic depressions are usually terrible and long. Like a few months. It’s like you are just shell shocked with all the risky things you did while you were crazy and are trying to make sense of yourself again.

This whole thing about feelings is silly. I repress my feelings! I could want to jump on someone and kiss them all over and all I will do is say hello and make some stupid joke.

I don’t feel bad about being into Rheanne for so long though. I gave it a shot! I worked long and hard for it! But it was never to be. At least I tried, at least I didn’t walk away from my feelings about her. At least I communicated my feelings to her. But she thinks I’m a loser! Whatever, what am I supposed to do about that? She and I haven’t even spent time together since March 2007, so much has changed! I am sane now, mostly. Predominantly sane.

The thing is, if I am sleeping with someone I totally tell them all my feelings, even feelings I didn’t know I was feeling. And not even just happy feelings, I tell them sad ones and angry ones and all the rest. I’ll tell them a feeling I had in grade nine! I totally open up to women when I have sex with them. Not like, DURING sex, except for lovey lusty feelings of course. But after sex, before sex, between having sex and going for breakfast. And during cuddly times. I can keep very few things secret from my lovers. I like to think that is a plus in dating me.

That being said, I do keep some secrets secret from EVERYONE, believe it or not. Things that are between me and God!

Today I got sad while I ate my bacon. I thought about the pig who died to give me bacon and what kind of factory farmed life it had and was it meaningful and who was I to have an animal killed just so I could eat? Why is it’s life less meaningful than mine? And I was thinking all these things and I couldn’t stop eating the bacon because it tasted so good, so I tried to remember how humans have survived on meat for thousands of years and this is just what we do to survive and then I thought “This music is making me think about the sadness of eating meat!” And then I said to my friend “This music is depressing!”

No it’s not, she said. And I ate my last piece of bacon.

I am terrible at cleaning. PERIOD!

As you may know, I am supposed to be inhabiting my mother’s basement, like many unfortunates my age who can’t afford rent in other places. I don’t spend a lot of time in the basement though. At first I thought it was because I think the basement is haunted. But lots of parts of the house have had weird things happen in them, not just the basement. Now I have come to accept, it is because the basement is a horrid mess.

And it’s supposed to be all clean for my business.

So today I worked on it some. I actually cleaned the bathroom and found a spider and did some laundry which covered my bedroom floor. I also moved some boxes from near the bedroom/future office to a storage area just beside the bathroom. But there is still so much to be done, and it is so big! I feel really ineffectual, even though the bathroom looks good finally.

I just found out my speed dating is probably not going to happen tonight. I feel so disappointed? Where’s the sapphic single ladies?? All the single ladies . . .

I need to get out of the house tonight, I don’t want to stay in yet again. I don’t know what I could do. My one friend is going to the gym. I could go work out. I have my period though, and I hate tampons because I bleed too heavy, so maybe swimming is out for me.

Once I did get my period in the pool, and I found this clot floating next to me. Periods are weird man!

Especially my fibroid enhanced periods.

I wish I could see the ultrasounds of my gallbladder and uterus.

I’m looking forward to the day I don’t have my period anymore. It doesn’t make me feel any more connected to being a woman. It makes me feel vulnerable to bears and cougars!

So I was having this conversation with my friend Robin yesterday about how we read articles online about cleaning instead of just actually cleaning, or how to stop procrastinating, while using it as an excuse to procrastinate. I’m really terrible at this. I’ve probably also spent more time reading books on how to have an awesome sex life than actually doing so. I sure as hell haven’t logged enough mileage.

I also like to write about doing things instead of doing them. Sometimes.

OMG! Did you hear about this killer named Twitchell in Edmonton who was a filmmaker who made a film about killing someone a certain way, and then actually did it. WTF? He also wrote this whole confessional diary about it.

And he was obsessed with Dexter.

Well I was obsessed with Ab Fab but I didn’t turn into a drug taking booze hound! Ha ha ha, wait.

There are two skeletons at the University of Saskatchewan named Dexter and Sinister. At least there used to be.

Once my cousin told me about this haunted cave in Mexico where you could see skeletons dancing. I wish I could find out more about it. We were going to host a paranormal show and investigate haunted places and scream. We were good at screaming. But honestly, I don’t think I can be a paranormal investigator. I’d prefer to stay away from it. I’m tired of being around it.

Maybe I should save some eggs. I wonder if Indian Affairs covers cryogenic egg preserving since I will be getting an ablation.

Once when I was at Hantleman I wandered all over campus looking for my glasses (they were under the bed back at Hantleman, but I was crazy) and I stumbled on the cryogenics facility. It just had this happy little sign that said “Cryogenics” and that was all I saw. And then I came back to the ward and got my glasses.

I need my glasses at all times!

I am not a Deer!

I spend a lot of time with my mother and grandmother. My grandfather as well. But he doesn’t get called dear. My grandma HATES being called Dear. She thinks it’s degrading to her as an old lady. And my mum, who recently quit dyeing her hair, has also been called a Dear.

The funny thing is Grandma used to call me Dear when I was younger. I would get upset and say “I am not a deer!” thinking she was calling me an ungulate. “Oh Dear!” she would say, and I would repeat “I am not a Deer!”

Kids are weird, even I was weird. Also when my mom said “Look, an antelope!” I would say “I don’t see any cantaloupe!” I was expecting a field of melons. Not those tiny ungulates.

I am at home wanting to go out. I hate feeling like I am stuck at home. I want to be drinking a beer or hanging out or in a car or SOMETHING! Oh mans! Well, at least tomorrow night I am at Lesbian Speed Dating! From meeting to uhaul in one night!

I don’t know what to expect. I am not really expecting to meet someone, but you never know!

I’m getting sleepy now. I don’t know why I ever said I wanted to leave the house, now I just want to crawl into bed and sleep the night away!

No clever title

Life’s been eventful. We saved the dogs when they ate rat poison and a couple relatives had to visit the hospital. SO DRAMATIC!

The dogs now get a Vitamin K oral suspension once a day for the next month. They are doing pretty good with it, the first day they were kind of upset about it because the vet had made them throw up and then eat activated charcoal and our technique for putting the syringe in their mouths wasn’t very good. But it’s in peanut oil and they actually think it is pretty tasty now, so it’s not too difficult anymore, especially when they all line up to get it now.

The vet said we had very well behaved dogs. And they really liked them, one was talking to Mister just before we left telling him how cute he was. And my mother thinks that the vet who saved them is a lesbian and I should date her. Ha ha ha!

I should date a vet, that would be handy to have in the family. We have one cat and three dogs altogether! That’s a lot of little furry souls!

Arthur is the one who gets all this food they eat that they aren’t supposed to. He is a menace! I told Mum there should be a movie about her and him starring Tantoo Cardinal. An academic and her bad dog. Ha ha! It could be the neechie Marley and Me.

I’ve been taking my meds really well lately, I only missed one night dose last week. And I haven’t used my sleeping pills in a really long time. YAY me!

Sometimes a change in seasons can tip off an episode. And everything is finally melting away here. Enough to go for a walk, I dare say! And I have another funny confession: I am afraid to go for walks because that is what I did when I was manic, I walked and walked and walked. Granted I am not walking such great distances, I just want to go walk around the neighborhood and look at stuff and think.

My mum told me they have discovered that exercise is better for your brain than doing sudoko and all those little puzzles, especially exercise where they tell you what to do. And I am trying to be healthier. My mental health is really good, I just need to bring the rest of it up to snuff. And I want to try to avoid getting dementia when I get old. I had a group home roommate with dementia and it was horrible! She was on her way to a higher care place, because she just didn’t know what was going on or how to take care of herself. I don’t want that to happen to me, my brain is weird enough already.

Which means I should really try and quit that thing I love. Dammit! BUT I LOVE IT!


I am coming up to taking a break from it until my birthday anyway. MY BIRTHDAY IS COMING UP! I will be 33! Old timey lady! LOL. “I remember riot grrls! I remember the Challenger exploding!”

And the colored girls say do do do do do do do.

I just took a walk! I have been avoiding walking around while it’s slushy and icy, but it has finally melted away enough that there are only some puddles everywhere. And I was able to avoid the deep ones. Sometimes you’ll come to a puddle and think it’s okay to step in, but there is ice at the bottom and you get soaked falling in. That happened to me once. I felt so embarrassed walking home all wet. I was a teenager so I was embarrassed way easier back then. Now of course so many embarrassing things have happened to me. Going crazy is embarrassing. Losing control. It pisses a lot of people off, and that always made me feel bad. Later.

Anyway, I also bought a coke at the store, so maybe that negated my walk.


I’ve been waiting for mom to get back home. I cashed in some Air Miles and bought two nights out at the movie for two people. I think my mom will get one and the other one I will save for . . . hmmm, I dunno! A special friend!

And I got 25 bucks worth of Kernels popcorn! I have a mother’s day present~! Although I hope she buys me some popcorn too. OMG! I wonder if she and I could go to Circle Centre tonight and get movie popcorn!? That would be sweet.

Well, I guess that concludes this blog. I mean, I will write more later, but this entry is over!

Grant Medicine

I went down to the post office today and mailed off my grant application to Canada Council! Here’s hoping! I listened to “Billionaire” by Peaches on my way to the post office in Shoppers and I hope that gives me some kind of luck. From now on all I can do about getting that grant is some witchy spells! But I probably won’t.

Grant medicine! HOLY SHIT!~ Am I the first NDN to think of this? This is really what I need right now.

There is this rumour among people that all of us Crees use Love Medicine to get our partners. I don’t know anyone who has used Cree Love Medicine. But it sounds awfully fantastic, if it is true.

I’m wearing a blue Mr. Limpy. He is blue because he has been in my jeans, getting rubbed on by blue jean dye. Poor grotesquery!

Anyway, now I don’t know what is going on. Some people might come over. I should probably put away all the madness of extra papers on the coffee table where I put my grant together. I didn’t count how many pages it was, but it was pretty thick! At least by my standards. I stand behind this grant. It’s totally reasonable and intelligently put together. I am celebrating getting it in!

I wonder who will be on the jury this year.

I’ve been single for a really long time! Crap! I am turning into my mother! ZOMG!

I had a physical for the first time in like, four years or something crazy like that. It was bizarre, I think they always are. Being examined. No wonder alien abductees have such PTSD, even getting that treatment just from a human is kinda creepy.

NOT to call Dr. Saffy creepy, which she definitely is not.

Basically the end of the visit I was just told to cut back on Michael Jackson so I would have more energy, and to eat less sugar because of something to do with fat and blood. Or things with sugar, anyway, since it’s very rare I eat sugar straight up, unless it is Sugar In The Raw in which case I steal as many packets as possible.

So that is okay. Whew! And I have to make an appointment with my psychiatrist soon, just because I am due. OMG! I should make an appointment with my dentist too!

Too bad my dentist lives all the way in Forest Grove, because now it’s an hour long bus ride to get there!

As someone who has bipolar disorder, I have just been around the disease for my whole life in some aspect, what with it being a genetic illness and my extended family being so large. Not to mention all the different friends with that and other mental illnesses. FUCK THIS SHIT! It’s a really tragic illness to have! I hate how it can trick people into thinking they aren’t sick.

Sometimes there is awareness when I’m not sane that I am not sane, like with depressions and just after the peak of a manic episode. But when I don’t believe I need help I can be pretty difficult to get to a hospital or take my medication, even when I’m walking to the edge of town to meet aliens.


Anyway, this year has involved a lot of close people having psychotic episodes. I don’t know what to do. I’m too far away to really do anything. At least that is how I feel. And there are people who know what is going on better than me. ARG! And I know how bad these things can turn out to be.

And it scares me because this April will be four years since I was hospitalized at Hantleman with the brown baby bunnies and the pod people. With a giant Mr. Peanut hot air balloon flying over us. And when I went to sleep I could look at the scorched sprinkler where someone tried to set it off with a lighter. And I totally alienated my whatever friend by sending her reams and reams of emails cause I was CRAZY! And I don’t want to alienate more love interests by being psychotic. It’s so depressing to be judged for inappropriate behaviour committed while insane. No wonder there are always wildly low depressions after a manic episode. It’s all guilt and embarrassment!

So, before that it was just over four years that I had been hospitalized, and so as you can see, I feel like I’ve hit some kind of four year trigger that will escalate into me throwing away my meds and starting some kind of revolution with bizarre tenants like eating at Twoonie Tuesday to show support for David Suzuki.

The GOOD news, is that I am not crazy in love with the same person I was then, the one who got all my emails. And who I was pining for until recently. I feel like I have accomplished something immensely great! I am finally ready to meet someone new to love. Or I could have met them already. I don’t know. But I am also happy being single. So if I do go crazy, there is no one to send emails to, except my friends, who will still be annoyed, but I will be annoying them equally and not singling someone out.

We don’t have two psych wards in Saskatoon anymore, they have merged into an uber psych ward called The Dube Centre. The dubious Dube? I haven’t stayed there so I can’t give a rating.

There should be a website called Rate Your Psych Ward, where all kinds of ex or current patients can write reviews.

The Thirza Review:

St Luc, Montreal=BAD!!!!
Hantleman, RUH, Saskatoon=Awright.

Okay, I could be more specific but I don’t feel like it.

I like having a psychiatrist. She’s amazing. I don’t think I’ve ever been so stable as I have while I’ve been her patient. That’s a good review. I should think of a good fake name for her. She looks kind of like Cate Blanchett. She had a skiing accident one year and was gone for six months! I was so miserable. I’m doctor dependent!

This summer I will be getting my gall bladder out. Maybe I will ask for early september. Aw crap, I really want it out, but I won’t be able to swim. If I do get it out maybe I will get a tattoo as well just because then I can overlap non-swimmable time! My cherry blossoms are crying out to be inked into my skin!

What a rambly blog. Just ramblin’ on.

I hope you clicked on the Peaches link, pretty hot stuff!