It’s a monday morning, I have to go to work soon but I thought I would write a small blog first.
I am quitting smoking today! Yes! I have the patch on, smoked my last three cigarettes, and am just going to quit like that.
My little kids are fine. I call them my kids but they are the dog and cat. They’ve grown up with each other and are best friends, it’s very cute. When I first got the dog, the cat would attack him, and he was just a tiny bad kitten then. The dog was a year old already and would give me this look as the kitten was wailing on him and I would try to seperate them but the cat freaked out everytime I put him in another room or his crate just to give the dog some peace and quiet. Poor Mister.
In other news, I still seem to be hung up on my last, for lack of a better word, girlfriend. I miss her terribly and wish I could go for coffee again with her, because she was like my best friend while we were together and it was always fun, until I went crazy. She says she’s forgiven me for all the crazy emails I sent her, but she doesn’t want to see me again until I can be open with my friends about wanting to see her. I am open with my friends about wanting to see her again and they all just say that I should be over it already.
But I lost my virginity to her, which already makes her special, and then I fell in love with her twice, once when I was a teen and once when I was an adult, and it’s hard to shake that. I really did want to just marry her and even have babies with her, though I don’t know where we would get the sperm. When I was crazy I thought we could get a baby through parthanogenesis, and then it would be a virgin birth! And then we would raise some lesbian saviour or something. It was all very convoluted, and probably one of the reasons she doesn’t want to see me again. Pushing my bipolar eggs on her.
I’ve been stable for a long time now and it makes me feel like I could do a relationship again, no major issues and all that. But I feel bad for my next girlfriend because I am still hung up on my last one. I know that’s mostly because I haven’t MET my next girlfriend yet and don’t know all the delicious surprises in store, but I still feel like I’m cheating her out of having someone whose heart is fully open to someone new. Someone told me I should go for different types, but when I think of all my past lovers and people I’ve necked with, I’ve never had one distinct type or anything. I’ve had butch and femme lovers. And I fell in love with a butch once, really hard! I dunno.
Spring is bringing my sex drive back, but I am still seeing my psychiatrist this week to get a reduced antidepressant dose to try and bring me back to where I was, all wet and wild and happy.