Monthly Archives: August 2008

The Last Leg of my Journey

We’re going to the Infamous Loch Ness today on a boat tour. Maybe we’ll see the monster! It’s been incredibly fun and we’ve seen some very cool things. I’m going to be glad to get home though to see my little dog and my kitten. I had a dream about my cat last night, dreamt I tied him to some balloons and then realized he might fly high in the sky away from me. I also dreamed my stomach had tons of surface piercings and I had no recollection of doing them, only to find out Mike did it while I was drunk and high! Weird dream!

I’ve been having lots of weird dreams since quitting smoking, they are very trippy.

It’s a Sunday, we have to take some laundry back to the BAndB and then get a spot of lunch and then go on our excursion. It’s a cloudy day but no rain, thankfully. When we did our archaeological tour of the Orkneys it was spitting misty rain off and on, our tour guide was amazing though and had an obvious love of the land.

So far I’ve tried Scottish crab, Scottish Lamb, and Scottish Steak! Yummers!

i’M SUCH A HOMEBODY AT HEART THOUGH! I love Saskatoon and am happy to have made my home there, after such a long time in Vancouver. I appreciate it more now.

It’s been an incredible journey and I’m so happy to have come here. It will be interesting to see how my video turns out.

Super freak, she’s super freaky! Yeah!

It’s now well into our holiday/shoot and I’ve got some great footage. We saw some puffins in Wick and I got two of them on tape but they are very small. We came into Kirkwall today to do a spot of shopping and I have to say, I’m glad we picked Stromness to stay in because it is far prettier.

The food is good from time to time, I still haven’t tried haggis because it sounds offal. Ha ha! But we did get some Scots bannock here, we haven’t tried it yet but we will!

Scotland is an interesting place to visit, everywhere seems so rich with history. Being in the Orkneys is interesting because they still have very strong ties with Norway and with their viking heritage. I found some wicked presents for people, or one person anyway, and oddly enough we found a Lonely Planet guide for the Trans Siberian Railway. Our next trip, hopefully!

Travelling with Mum is excellent except that she often has to find a bathroom. Poor lady. We haven#t seen any seals, but I am hoping we might see Dolphins at Inverness. We’re also going on a boat tour of Loch Ness soon. Maybe we’ll see some humps! My humps . . .

The weather was miserable in edinburgh, but it has vastly improved for the rest of our trip. Mum wasn’t impressed with Edinburgh castle. The really interesting part of our trip was Wick when we wandered about discovering things about our relative who lived there.

Anyway, back to Facebook I guess! I’m glad we’ve had internet access every so often because I had to attend to a couple business emails. I’m going to be in a show at the National Gallery in October, and in late September I’m going to the Lower Mainland for a few days to be part of a shoot.

Short note!

Here in Scotland the sun has finally decided to peek through the clouds. I don’t have much time to write here, suffice it to say that I am doing well with my mum here and we’ve learned some interesting things about our past. We’re in Wick right now staying just around the corner from my great grandma’s house. We found the butcher shop where my great grandad used to work too. It is no longer a butcher shop. Now it’s the Volunteer centre.

Well, that’s about all the stuff I can write in my allotted time! Curse the slow library computer! I am coming out to the Lower Mainland in September, so I’m excited to see my friends. I’ve quit smoking for about 16 days now. And it’s going good! I’m repulsed by noncanadian cigs at the best of times, so this is a good experience. Til later!


It’s only a couple days until I head off to Scotland, and I’m excited as all hell. The days are going to be busy! Oh man, and I had a weird night last night. Some thuggy dude called my friend a faggot, and then another guy yelled at us and chased us. We were smoking up the last time, so our only option was to run like the wind! LOL.

I’m so having trouble with my sleeping, I keep sleeping in. I know I won’t on vacation, but still it’s a concern, especially with work coming up soon. I need to be able to get up on time.

I’m sleeping through a buzzing alarm too, it’s not pleasant but somehow I can do it. Ugh!

I have to do something about this.

I used to wish I was called a sexpert. I used to want to be a sexpert. I think I still do, which is kind of funny. I thought I would have grown out of those day dreams.


No smoking and my traveling reading materials

Well, it’s day 3 of being on the patch and still I have only smoked once. My shirt actually smells not bad and I’m coughing a bit to get the plegm out. Ew. The patches are really helping, I only think about cigarettes now when I’m first in a situation where I would have smoked. I’m not partying any time soon, so there won’t be that situation to think about smoking. And then I will be in Scotland, and I won’t think about smoking anyway. Still, I am getting enough patches to get me through Scotland.

I’m pretty psyched about going. It’s my first BIG trip in a long time. I hope we can afford it, it seems insanely expensive. As insane as a psychosis though? Hmm, not quite.

Since I have nothing else to talk about, I will now list what I am taking with me on the plane:

The New Bottoming Book by Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardy
A sort of primer for BDSM bottoms in the ins and outs and dos and don’ts. Pretty useful.

Diva, the Special Gender Issue August 2008
I haven’t read any of it yet, it’s a UK dyke mag. Danielle Sea was on the cover.

Filmmaker The Magazine of Independent Film Summer 2008
25 new faces of Independent Film!

Film Comment July August 2008

NAVIGATING THE space Between Brilliance and Madness
A Reader and Roadmap of Bipolar Worlds
Assembled by the Icarus Project
It’s a sweet zine like collection of writings by other folks with bipolar and related disorders. It gave me a warm feeling when I picked it up in the store. Plus it’s realistic about meds, which was nice.

Best Lesbian Erotica 08 edited by Tristan Taormino
I think the last time I bought lesbian erotica was in the late nineties. It’s good to update my bookshelf.


Tomorrow I am interviewing my Grandparents. It should be interesting fer sure. I got my hair cut and I feel (and probably look) tons better. I was getting shaggy. Pretty soon we’re off on an adventure. I’m going to have to do some things before we go though. Like interviewing tomorrow. And CLEANING!!

I have lots to do to clean my place, well, not TONS, I could probably do the whole place in an hour and a half. Or less.

I’m so tired!!! I should go to bed!

The Dark Side of Humanity

I think I should just be honest about this. Although most mentally ill people ARE peaceful and non-violent, we all know what it’s like to be out of control. Maybe that’s why the murder in Manitoba scares me, not because I could kill anyone, but just that some people really do flip out that hardcore. Not often though. There’s a reason every one is shocked by this crime, because it’s out of the ordinary, even among persons living with altered states such as me. My god, at my craziest I usually can’t even kill a bug or eat meat, never mind assaulting someone. I have done bad things while crazy, which is why it can ruin your life, bleh, but eventually I was hospitalized.

It seems like the murderer just fell through the cracks in the mental health system. It was mentioned he was in a psych facility for four days, but four days is nothing, not even long enough to get stabilized on meds. Did he have follow up care? Or was he just unmedicated and floating around in a delusion?

It’s a sad situation all around. One person’s dead and the other person wants to be dead. And people are clamouring for the death penalty to come back. Now that is insane. This is CANADA! Plus I don’t think it would look good on the international stage to start executions of mentally ill persons, no matter how heinous the crime. I don’t think any executions are justifiable.

It really affected people. When I heard details about it I felt physically ill. I won’t go into them here, you can google it on your own. But it was quite gruesome.

I think one of the things that has bothered me is how many people are also asking for people to be locked away in institutions like in the old days. Ugh, do you know how crappy it is to live in an institution? And besides that, with the new drugs a great number of people can live normal lives in the rest of society, where we belong! I don’t want to be segregated because of my illness when for the most part I am fine. That’d suck.

It’s a touchy topic. Obviously something failed. A simple carry on baggage check could have prevented it. Or police could have been called when some people noticed him acting weirdly the night before. But really all this are what if’s, clearly what has happened happened.

It’s the reason though, at least that’s what people are thinking. Tim McLean is dead because his neighbor was crazy. It’s a scary and simplistic explanation of what happened and is enough to satisfy people’s questions. But I have questions, like did the murderer have a violent past, I mean clearly he had some strange intentions for a huge “Rambo” knife. Whatever happened, it’s this dark side of humanity that pops up and shocks the hell out of us sometimes.

Do I LOOK like a peanut to you? Do I? Huh?

In eight days I’m off to Scotland. Pretty exciting!!! I hope my mom is better by then, she’s been warding off a nasty infection with some antibiotics. Everything’s ready, I have to buy some videotapes, but that’s about it. My passport arrived safe and sound, and I have to say, I look like some kind of thug from a native terrorist group. It’s embarrassing. About as embarrassing as my first ECIAD id that made my head look like a peanut.

Well what can you do but sniff some glue?

I looked so young and beautiful in my first passport photo. Damn! WHAT HAPPENED!? About 10 years I reckon.

I went to the Fringe here but Didn’t go to the plays, which kinda sucked because that’s the whole point. I think my mom and I are going to try and see something at the Fringe in Edinburgh. That’s the plan anyway.

Or just go where there are buskers. That’s fun too. Once I saw Juicy Danger do a show at English Bay, and I’d gone all by myself just to see the ocean. It was nice.

When I think about it, I used to do a lot of stuff alone. I liked it. It was fun being a young woman on my own in public. You’d be surprised how people react to it sometimes. Traveling on my own is fun too. I’d like to do more things alone, like go out to a movie or something. Guy Maddin’s My Winnipeg is showing at the Broadway in Sept. I’m thinking it would be nice to go alone.

I’m trying to think of a way to carve out a decent living for myself in between projects. A friend suggested temp work until I get enough experience to stay in some office type job. That would be nice. I like doing office support staff work. It has enough mild variety and occasional office intrigue to keep me going. Some workplaces turn into soap operas, it’s kind of crazy. Like me.

I’m still trying to think of something to say about the Tim McLean murder and the media around it especially, but the news changes everyday. I was happy to hear that hundreds turned out to keep that Westboro Baptist Church from protesting. And that some were turned away at the border. I just hope that in the future when that bizarrely homophobic congregation come back to Canada to protest something that the same degree of sentiment towards keeping them out will apply. OMG! They had better NOT protest my funeral! In fact, I’m surprised they do get to protest places like soldier’s funerals. I mean the Winnipeg police said they’d arrest anyone who disrupts the funeral, but in the States it seems to be groups of bikers who keep them away from funerals.

Ah well. Bikers do nice things.

What else? A PERSON I know took a research drug and had a bad trip for THREE days! Oh man, that’s a harsh lesson to learn. No way would I do a drug nobody knows anything about. All my prescriptions are some well tested drugs. I think. No one really knows the LONG term outcome of these meds, like what they will do to me in old age. They can guess, but only based on older medications effects. Maybe I will turn into a turnip, damn!

Thirty and still single

Summer is coming to a close, and I have to find a job doing something I enjoy I hope. I’m open to all kinds of jobs really. Well, no. I don’t know. I’m hoping to find something I can stick with though.

I’m also really wanting to be with someone again. I’m not sure who, I would have to meet someone I guess. Saskatoon isn’t very big. I’d be open to a long distance thing I guess, although they can be really unsatisfying. Hmm. I keep getting these depressing ads on Facebook that say “Thirty and Still Single?” And then go to guys personal ads. Well That does not help me at all, and it just makes me feel and probably look desperate. Really desperate, considering I am a lesbian.

The truth is that I’m at the mercy of fate on this. I mean, I really don’t know who I will meet or what kind of woman I’ll fall in love with again. I’m in that terrible limbo between lovers when you don’t know when you’ll meet someone again. Ugh!

But really I’ve also been trying to think of an appropriate response to the recent stabbing and beheading on the Greyhound in Manitoba. I’m think of writing something along the lines of mental health and how the system fails people in need of help. BUT THEN there are also all kinds of other issues at hand, like it’s impact on strengthening the stigma towards persons with mental health issues.

Anyway, I have not much else noteworthy to say today. I’m kinda flat. I’m thirty and still single, it’s not terribly exciting.

I can masturbate as much as I want to!

Being single and sexual is a strange thing. Not being cut out for casual romping, I’ve had to create a semi interesting masturbatory life. Although I fear that it has become ROUTINE!

Sexual satisfaction on a routine basis sounds fine, until you think about all the interesting things I could have done to myself to spice it up. I am a deviant by nature, so things like hot wax, needles, tying myself up, I mean, there really are TONS of things I could be doing besides routine handjobs.

And I wonder to myself, how can it get so routine? I’ll buy vibrators to spice it up a bit, but even that can become routine and rote. So I am putting out a challenge to myself and other fellow masturbators to incorporate more variety into masturbation!

Here are a few suggestions.

Buy a bondage book and some rope and experiment with different forms of bondage.

Use an object that seems appealing in some way.

Try it with nipple clamps on!

Experiment with sensations from different things like feathers and candle wax.

More suggestions? Add them in my comments!

I just think it’s a shame that something as fun as masturbation ends up being edged out of our lives into neat little slots of convenience. Maybe I should have dates with myself. LOL. Really though, I don’t understand people who diss masturbation. It’s an excellent stress reliever. And I’ve recently heard that it’s good for women who want to have orgasms easier with a partner or alone.

It’s a funny topic, people don’t really want to talk about masturbation because it’s kind of seen as second rate sex. And because it’s naughty. I’ve often wondered about people who DON’T do it, that seems a little more suspect to me.