Monthly Archives: March 2008

Ramblings of a politically aware sodomite

I think at about now I’ve given up on seeing America get with the 21st Century. I mean, here it is years after my first episode, I’ve moved cities four times since then, and America is still at war with Iraq. And it’s not even with the army anymore, now it’s just this generalized chaos! How can you possibly put that into any sort of order while you’re doing terrible things with guns?

War torn regions have always bothered me. It’s not good for the health of humanity, to keep fighting itself. I wonder if we had a totally external enemy, like aliens, if we’d be more cohesive. Sometimes I think humans always need an enemy.

In scriptwriting it’s much the same, there’s nearly always an antagonist. I know a few films without one, but it’s hard to remember them. In Children Of Men nearly everyone else was an antagonist. Ugh! That would be a shitty world to live in.

You have to admit though, there hasn’t been another terrorist attack in the States. Remember when they were all running around screaming “Code Orange!” Oh noes! That silly terrorist alert code. And nothing would happen, but something COULD!

I used to be really fascinated by the CIA and MOSSAD and all those spy agencies. Once I bought a book about the CIA by Phillip Agee, but I got bored halfway through.

My apartment is a mess! And I really really do have to clean.

But I digress. And America’s got a committment to be in Iraq for years! They have no exit strategy.

OMG. I saw a show once of this guy asking Americans basic questions, and when asked who won the Viet Nam War this woman said “Us.” I was so shocked.

I am waiting on a friend to show up. Last night I went to this party at my friend Laurel’s place. We played Taboo and this woman said “Thing that Thirza and Laurel saw at Cranberry Flats!” And of course I immediately said “UFO!”

I’ll maintain to my dying day that I saw two UFO’s out there that night.

I’m listening to American Doll Posse. I really like Roosterspur Bridge. And on the album cover she’s holding a chicken.

Anyway, I don’t ever see an end to this silly war. It’s served no purpose except to totally fuck up a society. I wonder if strife would continue if the Americans left, or if another dictator would turn up, or what. I mean it’s got a big question mark for the future. America has a big questionmark for the future. Like what abut gay marriage there? How come they are so far behind?

You know, I don’t even know which countries besides Canada have legalized same sex marriage.

Oh, Belgium, the Netherlands, South Africa, and Spain. Spain! That’s how you know where the sexy people are. I’m surprised it’s not legal in France though. I’d have thought it was a more permissive society.

Not that I need anyone’s permission to get married! Hmph!

I’d have thought it’d be legal in England too. Oh well. Canada is a nice place to live, although I think it’s foolish in the extreme for us to be in Afghanistan.

Tonight I am sitting at home with no weed, which might be a good thing. Breaks are always healthy.

I was supposed to hang out with another friend, but I called him too late so he was already busy. I did spend some time with Laurel, at her place playing Taboo with her friends. That’s a hard game!

DJ Deko-ze, Hawksley Workman, and some napping in between

Last night I saw DJ Deko-ze, who used to spin at PPM. It was fun. We chatted about this youth group we used to be in years and years ago. He’s still the same happy guy.

Then my friend and I came back and hung out at my place. I actually like hanging out in my apartment more. Too bad I’m moving.

Hawksley Workman tonight was fun, but I had to wait ages before he played Jealous of Your Cigarette and Striptease. He opened with We Will Still Need a Song, which was pretty rad.

And basically in between the two events I slept. I have been sleeping more lately, I think it’s still me getting over the E. Crazy man! No shit am I not doing that again for a long time.

I also hung out with my friend Danielle from high school. We went to this crazy battle of the bands where someone sang something Danielle swore was Obey The Mustard. I felt very old.

30 is such a weird feeling. And I’m not even 30 yet. Maybe it will feel totally different than I think it does. I still feel pretty immature in a certain way, I’m not sure if I am. I feel like I should have an RRSP or something. Or be married. And instead I’m running away from men on Skype and wondering why I can’t talk to The Cute Blonde Girl I keep seeing around.

At least the psychic told me I would settle down with someone. But how long I have to wait, I don’t know. I’d be miserable if she said there wasn’t anyone. But who?

Tis a mystery, and I am sleepy, and that is my report on the last two days. No one was shot at Lydias or at the Broadway Theatre, so that’s always good.

Boring Videographer with nothing to video

So I own an HDV video camera from Sony now. It’s really sexy! It’s small, smaller than I thought it would be. It has that wonderful feeling of POTENTIAL. It’s got a Carl Zeiss lens and XLR inputs, and even nightshot, and the best part is when you go into the menu it’s all a touch screen. And it makes beeps when you’re selecting things. I don’t know if the beeps is necessaily good. It’s cute though.

Nghtshot! Now I can make Yvette Fielding-esque ghost hunt videos!

Anyway, now I can start filming my project. I don’t know what to film. Or video, I mean, there is a difference. Video’s different in a nice way. Film is so super involved. I mean, you have to process the film and do all this stuff to it. Sometimes it’s just a pain in the ass.

Ha ha, Thirza on film “Sometimes it’s just a pain in the ass.”

My friend Robin and I were talking on Facebook when suddenly she sent me the most cryptic message that just said (Code 18). I mean, what the hell does that mean? Code 18. It’s a great way to end a conversation though, to just write back (code 18) and nothing else.

Oh man, I had a wicked e hangover for a day, then it was life as usual. I remember why I only do it extremely occasionally, it really sucks a lot out of you. Bleh. Bleh to that.

So anyway, tonight I am going to Lydia’s. I’m a bit nervous because the last time I went to Lydia’s, there was a shooting outside. I wasn’t there when it happened, but someone got shot in the arm. And he’s not saying anything, so it’s kind of scary. Someone else told me someone heard gunshots outside of Buds, like in the alley. Broadway’s getting to be a scary neighborhood!

Actually bad things have always been happening around broadway. One guy was killed after being hit on the head with a baseball bat. And I’m sure something else bad happened around there.

Broadway used to be the neighborhood I hung out in when I was a kid. My best friend Laurel and I would meet at the halfway point between our houses, the OK Economy. Which is now Extra Foods. Like Pinders is now Shoppers. She used to invite me to go with her when she did the laundry. It sounds boring, and it kind of was, but she entertained me enough to last through her crazy huge laundry tasks. Then the Wash and Slosh opened and we were finally old enough to have beer while doing her crazy laundry tasks.

Is the Wash and Slosh even around anymore? Methinks not. It’s a great concept though, getting drunk while doing laundry. It’s multitasking really, isn’t it?

Laurel is the one I saw the UFO’s with.

Tonight DJ Deko-ze is playing at Lydia’s. He used to spin at PPM, where I went when I was . . . younger. It should be good times! I hope. I’m kind of hoping to meet people there, but I don’t want to arrive at an ungodly nerdly time either. It’s tough work this trying to get out and meet people thing.

Tomorrow night I am off to see Hawksley Workman at the Broadway Theatre. My friend Danielle is going as well, it might be the first time I’ve seen her in months!

The quitting smoking is still a work in progress, by the way, as I have cheated.

Both of us left for the west coast as soon as school was finished basically. God, I would never live through that first year of living on my own again! That was so complicated.

I called my mum and asked her why she didn’t go see the UFO’s with Laurel and I (they were in the sky for a good three hours), she said it was because she didn’t believe us!

Nicotine is a terrible addiction, so cruel! Oh lord.

See, it’s a semi romantic idea of the smoking writer. Or director. But now it’s just not in fashion anyway. Bleh!

I have my video camera and nothing to video. It’s kind of anticlimactic.


I had a brief weekend where I wasn’t sure I’d get into co-op housing, but it’s fine and I went down to pay my share capital of $800 this afternoon. I’m pretty happy about that. Finally I will get to live with my pets. It’s really hard to find housing that allows pets, I’ve noticed.

It’s a one bedroom too, which is good because right now I’m living in a bachelor, a pretty big bachelor, but a bachelor all the same. Now I get a living room!

Someone got shot in the arm at Lydia’s on a night I was there. My friend and I had left by the time someone got shot, but still it was scary. We did meet someone who seemed really sketchy there, he was all drunk and trying to talk to us. I don’t know why, personally I think he was a little homophobic.

I finally got my HK119 album! I’m really happy about it. And my new camera came into the Sony store today, so tomorrow I will go down to pick it up.

New camera!!!!


Today I got a new vibrator, and a smacky leather paddle, and some new lube called Slippery Kitty. I haven’t bought sex toy stuff in ages, not since my last dildo anyway. I went to Positive Passions in Saskatoon.

They really need more dildos. The really interesting stuff is in a tiny room the size of my Moms closet. It’s not like some other places. It’s nice, just very very small.

But maybe I am spoiled by having shopped at places like Good Vibrations in San Francisco, Womyn’s Ware in Vancouver, and Come As You Are in Toronto.

Everyone needs more dildos.

My favorite rat, Nikolas, ate my dildo once. He chewed the entire head off it. It was so sad, because when I found it I was really needing it and suddenly it was useless, dead, no more dildo for me. It was my first dildo too. And it was like, the perfect size, I’ve missed it ever since.

My favorite dildo company is Vixen Creations, a woman owned and operated place that turns out these really great super durable silicone dildos that have like, lifetime warranties on them. Now they have a new product I haven’t tried out yet called Vixskin, which has lubricant mixed in with the silicone somehow so it’s really elastic-y and rubbery and skin-like. So I’m curious. I don’t know.

I am waiting for my new HK119 album to come. I had to order it from the UK. Finally, after years of complaining about how I wanted one, it’s coming! HK119!

Here’s a random HK119 Video.

So anyway, I got a rabbit pearl vibe. It’s this crazy thing that has a rotating penis head, spinning pearls to stimulate your gspot, and a vibrating rabbit for your clit, with vibrating rubber ears. It’s wild because it’s just so involved. I mean, what a complex tool. who thought of all that? It really REALLY does work though.

Easter with Sky

I haven’t written about my sister for a long time, so I may as well tell you about today and hanging out with Sky. First we picked her up at her group home, then we got chocolate bunnies and she got a free chocolate egg, which she ate immediately and then kept sticking her tongue out at us. All the way on the car ride home she was talking her Sky speech, mostly gibberish with the occasional Gammy (Grandma), Mommy, and you know, she didn’t say my name at all today. She does call me by something that closely resembles Thirza.

Then we went home and she and I played with mom’s new treadmill. She quickly discovered the emergency shut down mechanism. Finally she decided the best course of action would be to sit on the treadmill, so I turned it on and she was trying to get off but her butt just kept going, it was pretty funny, we laughed.

Then she wanted hugs, lots and lots of hugs, so I was hugging her and she kept taking off my hat. She likes tactile things, so a lot of cuddles and so on are what she likes. She also likes when we also make weird noises with her, which we do.

Finally it was supper, I got her to feed the dogs from her plate, she was pretty much finished and had a mess of leftovers on it, and she was pretty into feeding the dogs. She also cuddled Mister, and he was really good, he didn’t cry or fight or anything, even though she was hanging onto his paws and everything.

She ate her entire chocolate bunny and then, because the rest of us just ate the ears off the bunnies, started trying to get another bunny. She started hugging me but sneaked her arm in behind my back and grabbed my bunny, but mom got it. Later we sat on the couch and snuggled some more while she played with my watch and made her occasional noises and grunts and so on. Then she decided it would be fun to make me slap myself.

Tonight for the first time I actually helped Sky in the bathroom. But it turned out to be a tease, she didn’t need to pee and so I was saved from wiping her bum.

Anyway, now Mum’s trying to get her to take her antibiotic. We put it in an orange pop ice cream float, but I don’t know if she’s taken it.

I love my sister, there’s no one else like her in the world.

Oh, she sneaked up behind me calling Sircy, which is what she calls me. So I guess she did say my name today after all.


I’m going to church tomorrow, but I’m not particularly Christian. I thought I was Buddhist, but I really only like Buddhism in a philosophical sense. I’m actually really religionless. I used to have hopes when I was a teen that I would find a good religion. I tried Wicca, briefly, that was kind of interesting, but I don’t think I understood the whole principles behind it. At this point in my life, I believe in a deity or multiple deities, but I don’t follow any particular religion. I’ve looked up Judaism, I’ve looked into Islam, but neither of those interested me.

I kind of don’t think there IS a religion I feel particularly embraced by. At this point I’m making it up as I go along. Gnostic Christianity fascinates me. But I can find beauty in nearly every religion. I find sex to be intensely spiritual, but that’s hard to parlay into a religion.

I really do think sex is sacred. At this point in my life I’ve been with enough people to see that it is a sacred act, which is why one night stands are so terrible. I mean the sex is terrible! There’s a certain spark that just isn’t there in those occassions.

I’ve sworn off one night stands.

Anyway, there’s my semi-Easter sermon on faith. Which is really, I have some, but nothing in particular, and I’m sure a lot of people are with me on that one. I think there should be an anarchist religion that just embraces a higher power, without having to do anything.

I’ve signed up for a series of meditation workshops with the amazing medium Barb Powell. It’s 15 bucks a session, which is pretty decent, and we get tapes and homework. Meditation is good, whether you are spiritual or not, and I think especially for bipolar people. It’s a great stabilizing force. I far prefer meditation over prayer, it opens the creative portals and helps one grasp esoteric concepts of spirituality. Anyway, I’m going on Monday, so I will report on how it goes.

Next is the E

E is probably my favorite drug, and I haven’t used it in about, like, eight or nine years. I haven’t done it that often, it takes too much out of me, but last night I did it and it was fun.

I didn’t get SUPER ripped like I got in Vancouver, but it was still a nice chatty happy touchy feely high. Most pleasurable. I haven’t slept at all, but I feel fine. I thought I would have crashed by now, but no, so I’m just going to try and stay up all day and go to bed tonight like normal. I hate getting my circadian rhythm out of wack.

I suppose you’ll be wondering now, what about the bipolar!!!! Well, don’t worry, I’m feeling fine and I’m sure one night of fun isn’t going to send me into a manic episode. I do take my drugs faithfully. I mean, psych drugs. The only annoying side effect from the e is that I’ve been grinding my teeth, but aside from a sore jaw that’s not going to adversely impact my health.

E is the only chemical drug I’ll do, because I have prior experience with it and have seen lots of friends safely do it, plus it’s not addictive for me. It may be for others. Meth is something I will never touch again, at least not on it’s own, there’s some people who say meth is in e. But straight on meth, NO WAY. I did it when I was too young and stupid to know better, and lucky for me, my best friend bailed out on ever doing meth again and then because she wasn’t doing it, I never did it again. I can see why it has such appeal though. It’s like a mini manic episode.

Deanna has the dreaded post psychosis blahs. I just reread all my blog and am amazed at how far I have come. Some of the earlier posts were still crazy, but believe it or not that was after I was judged sane enough to leave. Not sane, but sane enough, go fix this at home now.

Anyway, it’s been a long recovery process, but it was safe for me, and good, and I’m glad I took all that time to heal.

Anyway, this January marked the third year I’ve been living back in Saskatoon. It was kind of a culture shock moving back here, to be honest, and then it was hard making friends. I’m amazed at how hard it is to make friends in this town.

But I’ve been thinking about all the things that have happened since I moved back here, and you know what, it’s all good. I’m now closer with my cousins, in particular that sweet D. Mae. I got to kiss my true love a bunch of times. I’ve had employment, not the job I moved here for, but enough to get by. Now I have a grant. I have a dog and cat. And I think in many ways moving back here has really let me grow up. I’m way more independent than I ever was, I have a good set of ethics and try to make things right, I’ve finally got a real psychiatrist listening to my complaints and tweaking the cocktail that keeps me level and happy, I’ve got a good mental health nurse. And maybe most important is that my whole family lives in Saskatoon, and it’s been really good to come back as an adult and have them in my life this way. I mean, I was never able to see my sister Sky while I lived in Vancouver, and now I see her once a week. And she can’t talk on the phone because she’s mentally handicapped. So I’m happy to be closer to my sister maybe the most.

And something which I also really like about Saskatoon is this sense of community I have here, all my friends know each other in some way or another, and the queers really are integrated into regular life, at least from what I’ve noticed. It’s a close knit community, whereas Vancouver often made me feel small, and if someone left my life I wouldn’t ever just run into them on the street or anything. People disappeared. Here I’m feeling loved and supported, and that is good.

So wanting to leave Saskatoon has gone away. I love Saskatoon, it’s my original hometown and there’s just something sweet about the place. Plus the river is gorgeous. It’s nice to live someplace I know inside and out like the back of my hand.

I think the reason I wanted to leave Saskatoon was because I was having a hard time meeting people and making friends. I don’t want a huge lot of friends, I think you really only need a handfull of close close friends. And my best friend from Victoria just moved back this last week, so that’s one more friend for me. Anyway, I do have friends now, some just the ones I see around, some I’ve spent considerable time with. My best friend these days I would have to say is Deanna Mae. Robin’s my best friend but she lives far away, ditto Margaret, ditto Stef, so I think Deanna gets to hold the best friend title because she lives closer and talks to me most. And I’ve really liked coming back here and getting to know her, and I’m glad I’ll be able to hold her hand when she’s dealing with bipolar issues.

I didn’t realize this e trip would leave me so verbose.

I’m happy that finally at the age of thirty I am living exactly where I want to live doing exactly what I want to do. Maybe my thirties will bring some stability into my life. Or maybe I will bring stability into my thirties.

I’m not thirty yet, I’m jumping the gun. My birthday’s April 26th. We’re having a small party with my friends with hottubbing and barbecue. Maybe we’ll go to Diva’s after.

I’m finding as I get older and older I value good conversation more and more. It’s really hard to find you know! Maybe THAT’S really why I miss my ex, she gave GOOD conversation.