Probably the worst thing about a manic episode is the memory loss. I totally forgot my password to my old email address, and rather than trying to remember it again I am just using a new one. All my distributors have it which was the main important thing, and then my friends are slowly finding out my new one care of Facebook. Thank god for the name change option on Facebook. I did a coming out where I gathered up as many people as I knew and then changed my gender and then changed my name. The Canada Council knows my new name too now. So all that’s left is for me to go and do a legal name change. I’m not sure what to do with my middle name. I’m not switching Jean into Gene, that’s for sure. I don’t like how Gene looks. Sorry Gene. No Sarain Gene Cuthand for me, although the genetic irony of it is kind of funny. I think I will just go with Sarain Cuthand. Period.
Speaking of periods, that’s one thing I WON’T miss. I’m just washing up some spotted laundry right now and thank god. I hate periods, not on other people, just my own. So messy! So expensive. It costs like, nine bucks worth of pads every time I have my period. Think of all the landfill the millions of women in Canada use just for period products! Not to begrudge women, who after all have to pay for all that soon to be landfill. There are reusable period products though, but I never got it together to do that kind of thing.
There was this one weird part when I was really crazy where I had total empathy for every living thing. I guess you could call that enlightenment but it was fuckin’ intense. I didn’t even want to swat mosquitos because I felt their pain too much. It’s hard for a meat eater to live with. I guess I should give up on Buddhism because the bacon calls my name. I can’t help it, I love bacon. I love bacon in the morning with blue berry pancakes.
One birthday I decided to make myself crepes, I think I turned 22 or something, and I decided I had to have ONE foolproof recipe for when I had a femme lover. So I made myself crepes and mimosas for breakfast that birthday, blueberry mango crepes. They were divine! I love crepes. Anyway, yes, I did get to use that recipe for a lover one morning, back when I was dating Amber Dawn, the Uber Femme. She was most appreciative. She made me gnocci in return, which was so good.
There’s something nice about making food back and forth between lovers, it’s intimate in a way that goes along with sex very nicely. Kind of like “well, we’ve been inside each other THAT way, now let’s be inside each other THIS way.” I don’t know how to describe it.
I think I’m getting that ugly duckling feeling every trans person has their first year. I know I’ll make a cute boy, I’m excited about that, but at the same time I feel sad and worry I won’t find someone who will want to be with that cute boy. Apparently this feeling is really common. Sadness!!! Then again, I am also just out of the hospital and sad about a weird thing that happened between myself and someone I was intimate with at one period in my life and anyway, yeah, it just makes me sad all around.
I don’t want to say too much about it, just that it turned out we both had one particular kink ever since high school and it looked like it might happen, then I fucked up and went crazy!!! Anyway, I still have this moose she gave me in high school. When I turned eighteen. I shouldn’t say I have it actually, For whatever weird reason I lent it to Adrian Stimson and he’s been so busy I haven’t been able to get it back yet until he returns from Calgary.
You know, the hospital really wasn’t so bad this time around. Sharing a room for two months sucked though, and I am sharing a room again in this home. I shouldn’t have to tell you why sharing a room sucks. I might be going to another home that does more proactive work in getting people back on their feet, but that depends on a lot of things, like if they will have space for one thing.
The snoring drove me spare one night. I have since acquired some ear plugs in case it happens again. And this time she used toilet paper but instead of putting it in the toilet where it rightfully belongs, it went into the trashcan BESIDE the toilet. EW!!!! That was just gross. and in the middle of the night she turned on a faucet and then left it running and went back to bed. I’m going to be so glad when she moves out at the end of the month. This is the same woman who took my medication AND her own one night. I can’t believe it! She’s so dotty, I think she must have dementia on top of whatever her issue is.
It’s true, we all have issues, but please put the tissues in the appropriate receptical.