I think possibly as a trans performance artist, well, going to the ward is kind of societies way of making sure that performance remains just that, a performance, and something that can be taken as an art work rather than what could possibly be a dangerous intervention into the damaged soul of the world. HK 119 is a performance artist based out of Finland who I have talked about in a previous blog. Malfunction is probably how I seemed during this whole last spring, but really, I think I was more like Buy Me crossed with America Is Waiting.
It might sound strange to know that I want to be enlightened . . . and be a capitalist artist. But if you’ve been making short videos for as long as I have and still are flat broke, then I think you might understand why I decided to use my own manic episode as the biggest publicity stunt ever. Today I was sitting with a nurse, psychiatrist, social worker, councellor, and my mother, and had to defend needing a new place to live. And the funny thing is that my mother raised this issue of my hoax. And there was no hoax really, I just want to be the most famous crazy motherfucker ever to live, and to do it peacefully. And really, I just want to make my damn film. And you know, I’m getting closer to it, day by day it’s coming together. But I did sink hardcore into a psychosis again, the interesting part was that this time all the threads made sense, because they went back into a longer term business plan. I mean, I don’t want to do that with every film I make, but since Bunnyhug does address psychosis, it almost did make sense to end up back at that place so I could talk about it.
And I think the interesting thing too, with all of this, is that I am also talking about changing genders. And that IS a big deal. Because gender change is hard to do and goes to scary territories and I’ve been thinking about it since high school. The irony of course is that in certain ways I quite like my female body. I mean, breasts are kind of cool in a camp sort of way. I’m not a masculine guys guy, I’m pretty femmy. I mean, on the girl end of things I’m quite butch, but as a boy I’m more of a glam dandy, and that is funny. In some ways I want to keep my boobs just because they’re so spectacular. And I wonder if any MTF’s, well I’m sure some do, want to keep their dicks because maybe they like them. Gender is a funny thing. Not all of us fit it.
I’m using Sarain on this blog now because it’s my boy name, and really the name I would have had was I born male, but I don’t mind being called Thirza either. It’s tricky. Add to this the fact that in some years from now I want to have kids with a woman, and I want it to be parthanogenesis because then my DNA would be involved too. The bipolar thing is tricky, but all of us have weird genetic abnormalities. And in some ways also bipolar is just normal for me.
The good thing, possibly, is I finally have a psychiatrist who actually understands and respects art. And that makes me feel hopeful. It’s a bit weird feeling on the defensive but mostly this time around I’ve actually (ACTUALLY) had decent caregivers while in the ward. And no restraints! And some of them have had higher expectations of their patients than just expecting us to sort of waste away somewhere. I have GRANDIOSITY, so they say, and that is true some of the time but the fact is I also have ridiculously intense skills. Like converting my mac computer to unicode just on a whim. Never mind that now I feel like, ooooh, I hate unicode, but still it was an interesting Mac IT experiment.
Anyway, I’m on Facebook now if you want to be my friend. Because I’m waiting for a message.