This is a memory of the events leading up to my incarceration.
I had actually been doing my shamanic two spirited episode for a while when my mom kicked me out of the house early at Christmas, she didn’t want me in her house. And that was scary because suddenly I was on a plane. When I got to Montreal I was pissed off because it was New Years, I had nothing to do, and I was trying to wake myself up most urgently because the Iraq War was beginning. And I knew I was doing the surveillance thing so I tried to call friends to tell them what was going on. And they started freaking out, but really I just wanted them to pay very close attention so that they would know what a two spirited shamanic episode looked like, because I knew a bunch were about to start and I had to show that it was safe and natural.
The police showed up twice, and each time I showed them stuff about me that proved I was who I said I was. They got it! They were really happy and actually felt better about the world. And then James Diamond showed up. He was my roommate’s boyfriend.
He seemed to be into it, he could do the episode with me, he was following me. But after I got to Germany he quit, because it was intense but I had just gotten my divided star of david mandala. And I drew it over and over and then he got annoyed because he had figured out he was female and wanted to quit, because that’s where he ends up. I dunno, I guess I figured he would know there was a second half to it, because I had discovered so much about women’s lives, and then I was switching into discovering things about mens lives. And that’s where I was aiming, because I always wanted to understand women before becoming a man. Anyway, he aborted it. He recorded one of my monologues and gave it to some people in Montreal and told them that I was going to kill myself and they had to take me to the hospital. And they believed him, a lot of people did. A lot of people understood my shamanic episode through James Diamond, which is fucked because of various things. Anyway, some friends came over and immediately told me I was going to the hospital. I tried to explain shit to them, but they freaked me the fuck out and so it got hardcore intense, because I knew I was going to be crucified.
In high school, one of our Gifted friends actually did crucify himself in the gym, I mean, not with nails or anything, he just had some friends tie him to the wall. And I remember him telling me “When you get crucified you die by asphixiation.” Because that is what happens up there on the cross and that is what happened to him before his friends took him down. I mean, it was that kind of a high school.
Anyway, my friends called the cops after I told them no in several different ways. But they didn’t care about my No. I didn’t get a safeword, I got tortured. And through my whole experience, they kept telling me I put myself in there.
I remember when they finally did get the cops to come, I have no idea what they told them, but these cops barged in and threw me to the ground and put me in handcuffs and started shouting at me, screaming really, and telling me to get up and I couldn’t because I was in handcuffs. I was naked, like Louis Riel when he got taken. Anyway, my friends were horrified, but they kept telling me I deserved it. Friends, right. I remember in the ambulance on the way to the hospital I looked into the eyes of my police escort, and it was one of the guys I had convinced earlier. And he started to bawl. I have never seen a cop cry before, but he cried all the way to the hospital.
I was in restraints, handcuffs, and serious neuroleptics for the entire first night. I have no idea what happened to me in that time.
When I was released the first time, I tried to start it up again, because I had to, I needed to wake up and now I had no safe spot because James and Ariel stared at me in disgust the entire time. I had never felt so judged. And they would talk about me with everyone in my life, because suddenly they were the experts on me even though I only knew them seriously for about four months.
Anyway, I knew they were going to send me back to the ward, and it pissed me off. I called the cops myself the second time, because they were violent and James started shoving me around and threatening me. Seriously, the second time I just wanted to get away from them mostly, and I had been trying to evict them and they wouldn’t leave. The apartment was under my name, but during the time I was in, the second time, they decided it would be better if I was homeless. So suddenly I had to do a whole bunch of stuff to try and get them the hell out of my apartment. I don’t think anyone understood why I was doing that, although I do know that most of the people James had talked to got super creeped out by him and his behaviour.
So I did kick them out, but they were planning to do it first. James stole a bunch of my stuff, including my cd walkman and an album I had been listening to, to find my route. I was listening to Scarlet’s Walk actually, and it was keeping me grounded. But they kept taking it away from me. In fact, anything I tried to meditate on they would take away from me.
Maybe people thought that they knew what they were doing because they were Aboriginals, I don’t know.
Anyway, in the ward when I was in four point restraints, I started screaming. And it pissed people off because they wanted me to be quiet. But I couldn’t, because when I sleep on my back I asphyxiate. So I had to scream, but the more I screamed the less likely it was for them to let me out. And I was going to die if I didn’t scream, I mean, it was awful. I was having trouble breathing. And I kept remembering the thing about white light, look at the white light. And the only light I had was the lightbulb on the ceiling. For the rest of my hospital stay I looked at lights, any lights, sunlight, ceiling lights, the huge Hydro Quebec sign staring me in the face through my ward room.
So yes, I was crucified, in the end. And when I showed my friends my bruises, and I had huge bruises, I asked them to bring in a camera so that we could document it. They refused. I asked for money for a legal aid lawyer. They refused. I didn’t actually have any support, because what I was doing was always being mediated through either the psych ward staff, James Diamond, or Ariel. And none of those people were profoundly gifted, for sure. Very few people are.
Which is why I am glad to be back in Saskatoon, because there was that class at Bowman that was filled with profoundly gifted people. And the staff at Bowman has always kept track of us, waiting to see when we would be famous. That’s the thing you have to understand, our high school knew our grade would be famous.
I dunno man, maybe we do need this site for Gifted Transpeople. And there are alot.
I sometimes think a lot of people transitioned because they thought the other gender would be easier, better, something. As a man, now, who was a woman for a long time, I can honestly tell you neither gender is better or worse. They each have their problems. And going through a two spirited shamanic episode is necessary to really know, because you have to be so fucking sure you can take that step with total awareness. And it is hard for transpeople before they transition, because it does involve some serious positive disintegration. And because it does involve some serious spiritual understandings, which not everyone can manage.
And yeah, two spirited people are showing up in the gender they end up preferring. But I notice they still understand both genders before being able to fully embody who they are.
I’m worried about various friends of mine who are on their journeys, because it does look intense. But honestly, there is a light at the end of it. At the end of it you do find your own moral code and your own identity. Because to get there, you have to ask a lot of questions. And you have to ask the right questions. And you have to have access to information to get those answers. And you have to be able to understand the information, which is maybe the most difficult, because some of it is way out there and intense and hardcore scientific, actually!
I had a breakthrough with my best friend when I told her what happened to me in the ward. I mean, it was a hard thing, it was the worst thing that ever happened to me and it was always the block that stopped me from going further. And actually, after I told her about it, everything started getting better. Because she actually wanted to listen to the story, and no one had wanted to hear it before. And really, all I wanted to do was tell the story to get it out. What do you do with a story no one wants to hear? Which is why I started this blog. And I started it very brainwashed by psychiatry. And now I’m out of that, and it’s scary! I am remembering who I am, and who I am is really beautiful. But so many people believed the ugly story, that sometimes it seems few people want to see the real beautiful me.
But some do.