Girls Girls Girls

I don’t know when I decided I was going to learn to be the perfect boyfriend, but it was way before puberty hit. I decided to start asking girls about their feelings and their hopes and dreams and all kinds of things because I honestly didn’t know what it meant to be a girl. I was so curious. And then puberty hit and instead of just being friendly, girls started falling for me. And that was so weird, because suddenly I wasn’t just another girl anymore. And I didn’t know how to relate to boys so I was stuck with all these girls asking about their feelings and running away from googly eyes.

The googly eyes freaked me out when I first saw them, they looked crazy! What the hell, why are you looking at me like that? Are you going to beat me up? And as time went on I started realizing I was a lady killer. And that sucked even worse because now all kinds of girls were getting super pissed at me and calling me a tease and feeling played, and I didn’t even know where they were coming from. No one taught me the dangers of becoming a lady killer. And I felt like all anyone wanted was sex, because they never said anything romantic before getting all crazy, that was shocking. And I wanted a relationship, and suddenly there were all these girls demanding sex that neither of us understood completely. Because I didn’t have a dick. And that was fucking bizarre, for anyone chasing me. Because I was trying really hard not to be a guy, and that was a mind fuck because then these girls had to deal with liking a female bodied person. So weird!

And it just continued on, almost all my best friends have had some unrequited thing go on with me, and I don’t know what to do about that. But it’s like, as soon as people get to know me they seem to fall in love. So I go really mean to get them to go away, because that kind of feeling baffles me. And I feel horrible for not wanting to go any further than whatever.

I hate being a lady killer, but being an asshole is worse. I don’t know. Maybe there needs to be way more perfect boyfriends in the world, ones who actually ask about someone’s feelings. Really, that’s how you get ladies, you ask them questions and listen. It almost never fails! Everyone likes to be able to talk about themselves, because so few people are allowed to.

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