Bad tops suck.
I knew I was into BDSM for sure when I was nineteen, although I had inklings of my particular kink way, way back in time. When I came out as a perv it was as a bottom into submission and masochism, now I’m more of a switch although I have to say I still prefer being the bottom most of the time. Lucky for me I came out in Vancouver, which is practically crawling in leatherfolk. I think if I went back and took a poll, most of my friends were kinksters in some way or another.
But I have to say, I have had a really really really hard time finding good tops.
I’m not going to say all tops are bad, because some are really good. I just wasn’t lucky enough to date any of them. And I don’t think it wasn’t because they weren’t genuinely perverse. I’m sure they liked BDSM, it just never clicked with me because of some weird stuff. I’ll try to explain why.
I think I have a different perspective on this now because I have a friend who somehow brings out my submissive side without any effort at all, and I think I know why.
She’s NICE to me.
It’s true, and such a basic thing. If you treat your bottom like shit in your daily life or activities, you’re going to get shit in your scenes. I can’t go very far with someone I don’t trust, and then it makes them pissy because they think I’m being a bratty bottom or not a bottom or a bazillion other assumptions. But really, it’s just that I’m not going to submit to someone who’s treating me like crap outside of scenes. If someone’s going to rub my face in them flirting or being with other people, fine, but I’ll be damned if they’re going to have much fun finding out all the things I can do. Obviously they’re not concentrating on me, and if that’s the case then I can’t relax enough to know they’re going to pick up on my subtle submissive cues that tell them how far they can go or if I’m reaching my limits. And I prefer not having to use my safeword if I can help it. I will use it, but I guess I like knowing that someone’s wise enough to see when my body can’t take much more or whatever.
Basically, a good top is someone who likes playing with ideas of power, but knows that in the end they really have to win over the trust and affection of their intended bottom to make a scene work. If I’m wooed and flirted with and treated like how anyone would treat a hot and sexy girlfriend or date, then I’m able to let down my guard and go through the voluminous list of terrible and fun things that they can do to me. It’s really all about trust and being cared for. I don’t want to go hardcore into a heavy scene with someone who’s only being a top because they think it makes them Queen Shit. It’s probably not going to be fun, and it’s definitely not going to be safe, and who wants that?
Okay, and now my cold is winning over me, again, and I am switching back to reading blogs for a while.