I want Candy

I’ve pretty much decided to get facial tattoos, specifically traditional Plains Cree women’s lip chin tattoos. Essentially it consists of three sometimes double lines extending from the bottom lip to the chin. It’s kind of tricky trying to research the meanings behind it. I know I have to know more about it before I do it, but I’ve decided to get it done when I’m 30. I think it is often done around the time of marriage, which would be cool as well. I would prefer to get it done as part of getting married, but I don’t want to wait around for a wife either. Some traditionalists would take me to task, but I think it’s okay to ascribe new meanings onto old traditions. Lots of younger people are reclaiming their traditional tribal tattoos, like the moko for the Maori people, which are gorgeous! I think one of the things I like about getting the lip-chin tattoo is that it demonstrates my tribal affiliation, which is something not everyone notices because I’m a little pale face. I know it will probably limit the places I can get jobs, but I think those places are also limiting their pool of potential employees. Eventually there are going to be so many modified people in the workforce that people are going to have to start relaxing their rigid standards. Besides all of that, I don’t particularly want to work in a place that gets upset over body mods.

I think I want to get it once I’ve learned some more Cree, enough to have a modest conversation, and possibly if I get married. Maybe I will get the three lines and then add a parallel line to each when I get married.

I’ve been reading more about TLE and TBI (Traumatic Brain Injury). The story of my brain injury is kind of silly, so I won’t be offended if you laugh. I was about four years old when it happened, maybe even younger, and it was Halloween night. I was so excited about getting candy for free that I suddenly fainted and hit the back of my head against the wall. We had to go to the hospital and get stitches, and if my head is shaved you can still see some scarring. I told Deanna that if anyone makes a film of my life and they shoot that scene they have to play I Want Candy during it. The irony of course is that I don’t have much of a sweet tooth except for my cola addiction. So that could be how I ended up with Temporal Lobe Epilepsy, which is still undiagnosed officially but I’m pretty sure I have it.

I also noticed there is one really common seizure I have on a regular basis. I’ll just suddenly remember some weird snippet of time that has strong emotions, often negative emotions but sometimes happy ones, and to stop myself from being upset by it I make a noise. Just one weird little noise, sometimes a word but usually some weird grunt or murmer or something, and then it’s over. I also get sudden waves of fear or sadness or disgust or happiness, out of no where, like I could be sitting in a room with people I love and suddenly be sure someone’s about to run in with a machine gun, and then it goes away. Just weird crap.

Some people say bipolar disorder can occur with TLE, but then I just read somewhere that pretty much all symptoms of TLE that interest psychiatrists are really entirely under the umbrella of neurology and that trying to say someone with TLE also has a mental illness is just unnecessarily complicating things. I would believe that. It makes sense, I got a brain injury, I recovered as well as a four year old can, and I ended up with TLE that sometimes mimics bipolar disorder. I’m irritable and moody and hear things and get migraines where I go blind and a couple times I’ve hit the floor and thrashed around for a few minutes without knowing it.

But on the whole, I dunno. It’s my brain. It doesn’t work as well as I wish it would, but it’s all I have and it’s all I’ve ever known. I think I’ve done pretty awesome considering what I have to work with. It’s still weird to see feelings come up that have no relevance to the current situation of whatever, but I’m more or less used to the unpredictability of it. And sometimes the unusual sexual feelings are entertaining. After a certain point I have to stop listing off all the things that are “wrong” with me and just accept it as my own normal brand of reality. And really, the only things that have ever truly bothered me are the occasional yet inevitable suicidal moments. I can live with all the rest of it, I can manage all the rest of it, even the voices, it’s just trying to figure out how to deal with that ONE thing that led me on this whole wild psych goose chase. The irony being that I’ve managed to create my own systems of support for suicidal nights during this decade long medical misadventure. The only time I thought I might REALLY do it was when I was in the hospital. I came closer there than anywhere. And whereas before suicidal feelings were more about an existential escape route, being suicidal in the hospital was more about the desperation for a physical escape route. There really didn’t seem to be any way out, and I didn’t trust those freaks called The Staff to know what the hell Normal is. I have a natural distrust of people who gravitate towards work in the Psychiatric Industry. I think some people might go in well intentioned, but it can all spiral down into the Stanford Prison Experiment quicker than you can write a prescription for meltable Zyprexa.

Ziggy played gee-tar . . .

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