Death as a Side Effect

Last night my lower back erupted into a rash, and it started spreading to other parts of my body. I was wondering, oh maybe it is stress? And then I remembered the dire warning everyone who’s prescribed Lamictal gets. Here is the kind of medical warning no one really likes reading.

ALTHOUGH BENIGN RASHES ALSO OCCUR WITH LAMICTAL, IT IS NOT POSSIBLE TO PREDICT RELIABLY WHICH RASHES WILL PROVE TO BE SERIOUS OR LIFE THREATENING. ACCORDINGLY, LAMICTAL SHOULD ORDINARILY BE DISCONTINUED AT THE FIRST SIGN OF RASH, UNLESS THE RASH IS CLEARLY NOT DRUG RELATED. DISCONTINUATION OF TREATMENT MAY NOT PREVENT A RASH FROM BECOMING LIFE THREATENING OR PERMANENTLY DISABLING OR DISFIGURING.

Yes, so those last three things, death, disabling, and disfigurement, well, those all freak the shit out of me. I know those things could happen without pharmaceuticals being involved, but if I must be disfigured I would prefer it not be because of some ridiculous pill. I can’t believe I was a meth user at nineteen and yet nothing happened then, and then now I take doctor approved medication and oh yeah, I could just suddenly die! Well just great, and it’s terrible timing too because I have a deadline coming up. And my cute friend is in town again and I don’t want to look all disfigured.

I am seriously considering trying to live my life sans meds. I haven’t ever really done it, so I don’t know what to expect. I do know that marijuana seems to work more effectively than the legal drugs I’m on. I’ve been doing a maintanance dose of the equivalent of one joint a day for a couple of months or more, and its really helped. I dont get high unless I’m really like “Oh yeah, hanging with the cousins,” mostly I just get a low grade buzz and my symptoms go away. Come down from the highs, come up from the lows. Fewer absence and complex partial seizures. It’s a hell of a lot better than these ridiculous drugs, and it’s been proven safe and effective for my conditions over THOUSANDS of years, not just 20 to fifty years. Of course it’s illegal because some racist capitalists had to put it out of business to secure their own profits. GRRRRRR!!!!

I did realize my own mortality though. I’ve been feeling it more lately, ever since Chris died. In your head you can kind of understand the concept, but that’s different from really truly realizing your mortality. And then last night I realized this really could be it. And I was trying to figure out if I was happy with my life, or if I felt like it had meaning. And I honestly couldn’t answer. I knew how I wished it was different. I don’t know how much of that I could have ever had control over.

I’m so tired of feeling like I don’t have control over my life. And I’m tired of the constant pressure to go the pharmaceutical route to deal with bipolar disorder and epilepsy. The thing is I can see the good things meds have done for me. It’s not a black and white issue, there are tons of grey areas. I’m not one of those “Everyone should take drugs” and I’m not “Everyone should get off their drugs” either. Maybe some people can eat a strict healthy diet and exercise and meditate, but then there are also lots of people who’s lives, through no fault of their own, restrict them from being able to do those things. Someone living on disability is not ever going to be able to afford to eat healthy.

But maybe I can do the alternative. I can actually afford groceries now, and I have more time to do exercise. I have done meditation but maybe I could join the Saskatoon Zen temple folks or something. Talk about Dharma instead of what a lamotrigine rash looks like.

I do know I have to figure out how to live my life so that I would be happier about when I do croak. I don’t think I will though, at least not now. I think there’s still stuff I have to do here. I want to pull a Kubrick and die just after I start editing my last movie. Or at the premiere. Thank you. Bye! Put the reviews on my grave!!!

Eyes Wide Shut didn’t get very good reviews though.

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