Monthly Archives: November 2006

People, They Want to Touch Me!

I’ve been hanging out with some younger folks these days and it’s starting to make me feel old. Some people have never heard of the Montreal Massacre, or Oka!! But it’s the little things that surprise me. Recently I was yammering on about Nina Hagen to completely blank faces. OMG, no cultural reference at all. Nina Hagen! You know Nina Hagen.

My best friend and neighbor Lynn Hill, used to say “People! They want to touch me” when I would mention Nina in her company. It was a quote from a Nina Hagen interview.

I have already made my wishes clear that my funeral music should include Nina Hagen’s cover of My Way.

I always wanted to see her someday, and then on my Livejournal I found out a friend’s mother was hanging around with Nina that summer. Why Nina Hagen was spending the summer in Vancouver, I don’t know. Maybe Vancouver’s jaded enough to celebrities that people won’t want to touch her so much. My Livejournal friend (who I had yet to meet in person) was trying to meet the legendary German diva and of course I got all excited. We never did get to meet Nina, but we did do a bunch of drugs and then I necked with her, her boyfriend, and his girlfriend. Which seems like a fitting end to my Nina story.

And for those who STILL don’t know who Nina Hagen is, I present her cover of Ziggy Stardust, which I think is superior to Bowie’s. Enjoy.

Sexy Knob!

I finally bought the Griffin PowerMate USB Multimedia Controller. It’s a shiny aluminum knob with a glowing blue light beneath it. That doesn’t sound exciting. Okay, it’s a volume knob and a jog shuttle and a bazillion other things you want to program it to do. I’ve never seen anything so goddamn sexy in my life. I’ve ached and yearned for jog/shuttle ever since analogue pass over to the other side. Cramping your fingers over a mouse while you edit and cue video is so boring. And twirling around a knob is just sexy and fun. It’s preset to work with Final Cut Pro, but I have to install a gig of memory before I can start using that program. I hope to get a gig in this weekend, because I really want to edit at home. I’m like, the most meticulous slowest fussiest editor there is. Maybe it doesn’t seem like that, but that’s because I run out of time and/or money. So if I have all this gear at home, I don’t have to worry. Now I just need a HD monitor, a beefed up sound system, and maybe another harddrive, except I already have 250gb.

The knob rules.

It’s like alien technology!!

That would be hilarious if aliens were old school and analogue.

Okay, maybe just to me.

But it really does have this spacy retro feel to it.

I didn’t smoke pot most of this week and I TOTALLY noticed because I started having complex partials again. I got some tonight, already I feel better. I’m having some INTENSE thoughts lately related to my job. Nothing like I’m being treated horribly, just stuff I’m learning. It’s pretty bizarre. Doing this research gig is like taking an intensive course, and getting paid for it. And I must say, it’s pretty wicked to get paid to learn.

Jesus, I think I have to marry this knob. I keep gazing lovingly at it. Even if it won’t fulfill my editing needs, watching it glow on the desktop is a sweet comfort.

Oh god, I am a geek aren’t I!!? One day someone will find my hi tech materialist predilictions sexy and I won’t have to resort to getting off on a multimedia knob.

Nazi’s! *BARF*

Every so often I find out something that truly shocks me. I thought I was unshockable. I knew Nazi’s were inspired to create concentration camps after seeing the residential school system. I knew that the Nazi’s were inspired to begin a eugenics program based on the eugenics program in Alberta. I knew about Project Paperclip. What I didn’t know is that Project Paperclip also operated out of Canadian residential schools. If you don’t know much about Project Paperclip, they were involved in MK-ULTRA, medical experiments, drug testing and radiation testing.

And this is why some idiot like David Ahenekew or other fascist anti-semites in the aboriginal community creep me out. They don’t realize that Nazism is intricately linked to 20th Century North American genocide of First Nations Peoples, even more than one could imagine. Just the idea that Nazi’s were specially imported to continue their experiments on aboriginal children is disturbing.

Not only that, but Project Paperclip was also the original program which Ewan Cameron worked under during his experiments on mental patients in Montreal, and who’s legacy is responsible for the abysmal inhumane conditions of Montreal psychiatric hospitals.

Fucking Nazi’s why do you have to piss all over my life!!!? Isn’t getting murdered by you whacked dudes in my last lifetime enough?

I hate Nazi’s, but I love Germans. I can’t explain it.

The Family Adjusts

I got a call just an hour ago from my doctor’s office telling me I can’t drive anymore. I was expecting this, but totally not expecting how my mom would act about it. She kept being confused why I couldn’t drive. Arrg! Because if I have an absence seizure I’ll crash! She really didn’t get it. Just a couple nights ago I was mentioning to my family that if I do have epilepsy I probably won’t be able to drive anymore and they were so bizarre about it. First they didn’t know why I couldn’t drive, and then they started saying I didn’t have epilepsy. I guess because I don’t have tonic-clonic seizures USUALLY, and that’s usually what everyone thinks of as seizures. Really though, seizures are multifaceted and completely different depending on which area of your brain they’re affecting.

Last week I experimented with smoking pot more often throughout the day and my seizures went down 75%, maybe even more. I was also way more focused, confusion wasn’t there so much. Mom kept coming around tut tuting about me being a drug addict. But I wasn’t smoking it to get high, I wasn’t really doing enough to get high. It was still working really well. The more I read the more I realize so many weird things in my life have been seizures.

I almost think my family is going to have a harder time adjusting to me being epileptic than being bipolar. I’m not sure why this diagnosis seems worse. At least more is known about epilepsy, whereas bipolar disorder is kind of vague and mysterious still. I don’t know, I feel hopeful about this. Like, maybe knowing what I have is going to improve my quality of life. Whatever it is I just want to know that I’m living to the fullest that current medical science can give me. Being off Zyprexa has turned my life 180. I’m really amazed at the change in getting off of that drug.

I’ve only ever been seriously manic once and it was a drug induced mania. I mostly have depression issues, and those are supposed to be pretty common with epileptics.

Anyway, life’s okay I guess. I have clean teeth, I don’t smoke anymore, my dog’s a smarty smarty smart pants except that he ate an eraser today and puked and then I had to rub his back until he felt better, uh, someone gave me pictures of Marcia Cross’s boobs. I’m constantly amazed at femmes, especially high femmes. They’re so much tougher than I am. I don’t know where people get the idea butches are all rough and tough, I’m such a marshmallow. It’s sexism. Butches and Femmes shouldn’t have to follow prescribed gender roles, how boring is that!!!

I need to buy another bar of candy soap because finally people will be able to smell it on me.

I disapprove of the current Nicole Kidman nose. Lucky for her my opinion of her nose doesn’t matter.

Oh yeah, and that little dog of mine started going through my pockets while I was taking a nap and was running away with money again!!! What the hell?

Sir Bathroom

I was reading a recent post on Margaret Cho’s blog about an incident she and her friend Ian Harvie had at a Bette Midler gala where Ian was basically sexually assaulted by a woman in the bathroom because everyone thought he was a man. He does identify as a man, but he has a female body and feels more comfortable in the women’s room. Anyway, this woman totally grabbed his breasts three times!

I have bathroom problems, not as much as some other masculine women, but enough to be annoying. No one’s ever grabbed my tits though. I got sir’d just a few nights ago. The only thing that really bothers me about being called Sir is that the only time I use it is in a deferential BDSM context and my bottom side thinks “OMG! I’m not a Sir!” Aside from that I don’t really mind if people think I’m a man, because I am sometimes. But not nearly stealth enough to be able to use the men’s room. I do use the men’s room on occasion, but only if I know it’s going to be safe. I haven’t mastered using a urinal though.

What amazes me about the Sir Bathroom issues is that often the only masculine signifier to trigger off gender anxieties is short hair in women. I mean, it’s really ridiculous. Sometimes I’ve walked into a bathroom with full cleavage and I still get Sir’d. That one thing, it’s bizarre, especially when you consider how many women have short hair. Sometimes I also think homophobia is involved, a butch lesbian is pretty obviously queer, and telling one of us that we aren’t really women is a good way to dehumanize and shame us. I doubt they’re conciously thinking “I’m going to queerbash that person” but they are.

At queer events in Vancouver the bathroom thing wasn’t really an issue. Most of the ones I went to would have gender neutral bathroom signs replace Mens and Ladies. I really didn’t care about taking a piss next to someone with a penis, I wasn’t scared.

What I find really ridiculous are single stall bathrooms that are still classified Male and Female. I see no reason why they can’t just be two bathrooms, full stop.

The other thing is, god, do you know how rude that is to stop someone when they need to piss or shit? Gah, how jerky can you get?

Dead Thirza

I’m not dead, don’t worry, that’s just the title. And I don’t want to be dead either. I’ve just been looking over my life and you know, I SHOULD be dead by now. There have been SO many close calls in my life to be hit by cars (I have been, twice), fall to my death, drown, commit suicide, get murdered (which has nearly happened). It’s insane. And yet I’m alive, still, relatively unscarred. I could have died at birth even. There have been so many times the grim reaper’s sythe just skimmed a few hairs off the top of my head. It’s starting to feel unusual. I mean, really strange, like I’m being saved over and over for a reason. And I have no idea why. I don’t think I’m any more special than anyone who dies suddenly, but I keep avoiding it somehow. I’d be disappointed if I did die soon, because I know why I’m here and I’d be annoyed if I didn’t get to complete the mission. That sounds really dramatic but it isn’t. It’s a noble mission but nothing like being Jesus or even a minor prophet. Just doing my work and then passing on to the other side quietly in my old age.

But really, how come I keep cheating death? And how come my perception of the world is constantly shifting, as in seeing paranormal things? And why oh why do I not have a girlfriend? If I keep not dying that must be a lucky thing, who wouldn’t want to be close to someone like that? I don’t know what it is.

I’m cleaning the basement where I’m living. It’s starting to look nice, like a human lives there. I got an iTunes Music Store card and I’m downloading tons of old songs I can’t find in my other nefarious ways. I downloaded a copy of Ella singing Mack the Knife in Berlin and messing up all the lyrics, I think it’s one of my favorite live songs. I’m not a big Mack the Knife fan normally.

hey, update on those weird lights, someone else saw those lights in Manitoba on the same night at the same time, with weird northern lights around them. Solid red northern lights that didn’t dance. Very very weird.

Rumsfeld Charged

Holy shit! I am just going to be saying that on here over the next few months I think. Germany is filing charges against Rumsfeld over Abu Ghraib and other torture. That is amazing. And I wouldn’t be surprised if once Bush is out of office charges will be filed against him. Why Germany? Because they have universal jurisdiction to prosecute war crimes.

I do feel kind of sorry for the Democrats. They’re going to inherit a government filled with problems and corruption. They’ll have to figure out what to do with those dictatorial laws and undo all the damage caused by Bush. And I’m not sure the American public will realize why the government will have such a hard time. And possibly the fall out of the Iraq war in the form of terror attacks. It’s still going to be hard for America for the next few years.

I hear the US is now planning an exit strategy.

It’s so strange to think how this all started. I remember being at Emily Carr and they had a meeting for the students to come and talk and get support just after the towers fell. And so many people were upset, but not so much for the attack as for the possibility of war. And then I remember my first day pass out of the hospital in Montreal when I went to the huge march protesting the oncoming war. HOLY FUCK that was a huge march, and I was still all freaked of large crowds of people. And then just watching all this terribleness unfold, and feeling like the whole world was wondering what the fuck was up with America, why they were being so, ugh. It’s so weird, America had a chance to find out why the world hated them and then do something about being hated. The whole world was horrified by Sept 11, it was the perfect time for them to alter global feelings. But they didn’t. Instead they embarked on an illegal war and a series of totalitarian legislation.

I have hope for America though. I think they’re going to be okay, and if you’d asked me that a few days ago my answer would have been completely different.

Neurological Exam #1

I had my first neurological exam for my referral to a neurologist. It seems some of my reflexes are missing and I have a shake. This is all pretty curious, and I’m still having a melange of feelings about this possible misdiagnosis. I talked to an old friend yesterday who knew someone who was misdiagnosed as bipolar when they really had temporal lobe epilepsy. It’s a bit scary, in particular because some of the things I’ve noticed, I dunno. I just think that psych meds have compounded my health issues dramatically and I’m worried I might have developed something in addition to the problems I had before that could drastically limit or shorten my life. And if my misdiagnosis really did seriously fuck me up neurologically, god, it’s not like I can go get another brain.

I’m pretty lucid these days, but I’ve been hearing voices a lot more often than I would like to. And not just the run of the mill voices I usually hear and ignore, these ones are kind of scary voices. Not stereotypical “Kill everyone” kind of voices, I mean they don’t give commands, but they still scare me because they sound mean and intimidating. I just want to be all “Fuck off voices!” I can understand why people start talking back to them. It’s not necessarily because you believe they’re real, it’s just because it sucks to be verbally harrassed by your own brain and not have a chance to just say fuck you.

I got a nice artist fee and spent it all! On things I needed pretty much. I have a router, new headphones, some sweaters, one is lambswool and cashmere and the other makes me look like a butch academic on a fishing trip. I got a neck pillow for my broken tailbone. Some iTunes money, Boogie Nights and V for Vendetta. I got Yaktraks which are fucking AMAZING!! You slip them on your shoes and suddenly walking on an icy sidewalk feels like you’re just walking on gravel, there is NO slipping at all, until you walk into a store with a cement floor. They’re like urban crampons.

I also noticed something recently. Since I’ve switched from Zyprexa to Lamictal, my emotions are coming back. Not highs and lows, just, wow, real emotions, beautiful feelings that actually make me cry. God, and I cry a lot more, not because I’m depressed, sometimes it’s like happy crying. It feels like I didn’t have a soul the entire time I was on Zyprexa and since getting off it it’s come back. My god, even watching bloody Nora get shot on Desperate Housewives made me bawl, and I hated Nora, she was so fucking annoying. It was weird feeling pressured to not have feelings because I was diagnosed with a mood disorder. Anytime you express any emotion people ask if you’ve taken your medication until eventually you just stop expressing anything, living like a flatline seems like the only option for survival. I don’t want to live like that.

And I don’t think the medical establishment understands a thing, especially in regards to the brain. I know I’m throwing around words like epilepsy and bipolar, but I really don’t think of either of those as illnesses in and of themselves anymore. I think they have multiple causes and the terms are only useful in terms of describing possible courses of treatment. And I don’t think the treatment that goes along with bipolar works for me. I think the ones that have are the anticonvulsants. And maybe other epilepsy drugs would help me find more stability. It’s a thought anyway. And I don’t want to leave my health in the hands of indifferent psych ward doctors who only see me for a few weeks and don’t have years of follow up like my GPs.

Save Us Nancy Pelosi, you’re our only hope!

My butt still hurts, I’m going to the doctor in an hour. I might try and get some heavy duty painkillers out of her like Percocet or Vicodin or even Oxycontin.

I was trying to think of an appropriate youtube video to celebrate the Democratic win of the US House and Senate. All I could come up with was Judy Garland. Yep, sometimes my inner fag is really fuckin’ flamey.

One of the things I find so fascinating about Judy Garland was all the corruption going on behind the scenes of the Wizard of Oz. Not only did they get her addicted to amphetamines, but they also had some older woman seduce her to keep her occupied. OMG!!!

And Toto died THREE TIMES during the filming.

Oh right, I don’t think I’ve mentioned this on here. I quit smoking on Saturday. I’ve been too caught up in my bum to worry about the smoking, but I think it’s going pretty good. My cough is going away, I can smell things again. I can probably taste things really well too. And I got my teeth cleaned prior to quitting and I had no cavities. So I’m pretty happy about all of that. PLUS there is always this theory that I’ve had regarding the conspicuous absence of girlfriends during my smoking phase, I’m curious if now that I’ve quit my appeal will go up again. I’m happy to not be smoking anymore. I don’t even think of it too often, well, not with this pain in the ass I have!! Plus it is getting too cold to smoke outside anymore.

I’m seriously considering getting a Violet Wand with some of my artist fee, and a tattoo in the shape of the Biohazard symbol on the back of my neck. Hmm, very curious.

If Bush and Cheney are impeached Pelosi will be president. Imagine that.

And why the fuck isn’t Bush getting impeached? They sure were all gung ho about impeaching Clinton for a consensual blow job.

Whatev. Gotta get ready with my laundry list of complaints for my doctor’s appointment.

Holy Crap

The Democrats took the house and senate and Rumsfeld is resigning. HOLY FUCK!!! Are we allowed to sing Ding Dong The Witch Is Dead yet? I didn’t watch any coverage because I was confined to bed by my broken butt, but this morning I’ve been checking out the new USA. I am so curious what’s going to happen. I mean before when it looked like Republicans were going to rule the world I just kind of gave up. I mean, we’re all going to die kind of thing. But now I actually feel hopeful about the future of the world.

HOLY SHIT!!!

I just got an artist payment from Video Pool in the amount of, erm, a huge amount. Holy crapola!!! Nearly one grand, go Video Pool!!

FUCK!
My butt still hurts, I freakin’ hate it. Broken Tailbones are no fun, blerg. It’s like that OWWWW!! I mean to say, it sounds like the name of a punk band. Or a bar, The Broken Assbone. I hate freezing rain. And I can’t go spend my money on silly things until my bum is better. The sadness.

Essentially it is a good day. Hope is a nice thing to feel. And having money is a good thing too. OMG! I can get Metrosexuality and the Trannyfags porno!!! WOOOOOO!

Off to celebrate Democrat win by online shopping!!