Neurological Exam #1

I had my first neurological exam for my referral to a neurologist. It seems some of my reflexes are missing and I have a shake. This is all pretty curious, and I’m still having a melange of feelings about this possible misdiagnosis. I talked to an old friend yesterday who knew someone who was misdiagnosed as bipolar when they really had temporal lobe epilepsy. It’s a bit scary, in particular because some of the things I’ve noticed, I dunno. I just think that psych meds have compounded my health issues dramatically and I’m worried I might have developed something in addition to the problems I had before that could drastically limit or shorten my life. And if my misdiagnosis really did seriously fuck me up neurologically, god, it’s not like I can go get another brain.

I’m pretty lucid these days, but I’ve been hearing voices a lot more often than I would like to. And not just the run of the mill voices I usually hear and ignore, these ones are kind of scary voices. Not stereotypical “Kill everyone” kind of voices, I mean they don’t give commands, but they still scare me because they sound mean and intimidating. I just want to be all “Fuck off voices!” I can understand why people start talking back to them. It’s not necessarily because you believe they’re real, it’s just because it sucks to be verbally harrassed by your own brain and not have a chance to just say fuck you.

I got a nice artist fee and spent it all! On things I needed pretty much. I have a router, new headphones, some sweaters, one is lambswool and cashmere and the other makes me look like a butch academic on a fishing trip. I got a neck pillow for my broken tailbone. Some iTunes money, Boogie Nights and V for Vendetta. I got Yaktraks which are fucking AMAZING!! You slip them on your shoes and suddenly walking on an icy sidewalk feels like you’re just walking on gravel, there is NO slipping at all, until you walk into a store with a cement floor. They’re like urban crampons.

I also noticed something recently. Since I’ve switched from Zyprexa to Lamictal, my emotions are coming back. Not highs and lows, just, wow, real emotions, beautiful feelings that actually make me cry. God, and I cry a lot more, not because I’m depressed, sometimes it’s like happy crying. It feels like I didn’t have a soul the entire time I was on Zyprexa and since getting off it it’s come back. My god, even watching bloody Nora get shot on Desperate Housewives made me bawl, and I hated Nora, she was so fucking annoying. It was weird feeling pressured to not have feelings because I was diagnosed with a mood disorder. Anytime you express any emotion people ask if you’ve taken your medication until eventually you just stop expressing anything, living like a flatline seems like the only option for survival. I don’t want to live like that.

And I don’t think the medical establishment understands a thing, especially in regards to the brain. I know I’m throwing around words like epilepsy and bipolar, but I really don’t think of either of those as illnesses in and of themselves anymore. I think they have multiple causes and the terms are only useful in terms of describing possible courses of treatment. And I don’t think the treatment that goes along with bipolar works for me. I think the ones that have are the anticonvulsants. And maybe other epilepsy drugs would help me find more stability. It’s a thought anyway. And I don’t want to leave my health in the hands of indifferent psych ward doctors who only see me for a few weeks and don’t have years of follow up like my GPs.

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