From Cello to Kazoo

I was chatting to my friend Robin yesterday from my kleenex strewn bed hacking and coughing. “Your voice!” she said “You used to be a cello and now you’re a kazoo!” It’s true. I still sound shitty and horrid and awful, but at least I have a sense of humour about it.

I now have a subscription to Coast To Coast am, and am waiting for my iPod to return so I can load it up and listen to freaked out shit when I’m going to bed.

It snowed here. People are driving ridiculously. The streets were covered in a sheet of ice and people kept sliding backwards on hills. I hate walking on ice, teeny steps, wriggly moves to correct balance. Ugh. But I actually quite like snow, I think it’s sort of romantic in a way. Some of my most beautiful moments have involved gorgeous women and snow.

I’ve been considering this Celebrities Come Out campaign I want to start. Outing is tempting, I must agree, but unless you have photographic proof of a guy with a cock in his mouth or leading lady with a fist up her cunt, there’s really no one who will believe you. Even if you had your tongue in Marcia Cross’s mouth in a lezzie bar people will tell you you’re making it up. Trust me, as someone who has an occasionally interesting life, people tend to be disbelieving about a lot of things. My god, in high school a flaming queen told me no way was Ellen Degeneres a lesbian. ( think I fucked her last name but I’m too lazy to care today.)

So I am rethinking this whole thing. Celebrities do drop hairpins to the gay community (ie, stars who appear at GLAAD awards and neck with same sex people, folks who go to events like Outfest, people who only have mega onscreen chemistry with other men/women, mentioning well known gay bars in conversations, saying “I’m happy” when asked if they are gay.) ANYWAY, I think in order to completely upset the applecart of Hollywood, ALL QUEERS must come out ALL AT ONCE. Imagine the glory of watching the Oscars and suddenly every homo/bi/trans folk stands up in solidarity. That would be like, half of Hollywood.

Okay, maybe the awards ceremony folks would freak, the orchestra would play, and the cameras would pan to Billy Crystal with a terrified look on his face. Hmm, something else.

A union? The LGBT Screen Guild? Something that ensures equal rights for queer performers so that they don’t lose jobs? Affirmative action in casting so that a specific number of out queers can perform in both queer and non-queer roles?

No, it has to be something GLAMOUROUS. OMG, a major talk show or investigative journalist could host a three hour bonanza of queer actors and actresses all coming out, and then at the very end the talk show host in question could come out!

Oooh, how about a glittery awards show filled with celebrity queers that gives out various awards for “Most believable hetero” or “Best cover up PR” or “Most blatantly homo yet unsuspected by hetero public!” And even “Longest and most well hidden relationship.” Maybe they would be more appreciative of it if it was celebrating them for their ability to stay in the deep dark of the closet.

I know it would turn into a spat though. For one thing, if they tried to all stand up at once, there would be much screaming and shouting across the floor. “Goddammit John, I’ve had group sex with you and those porn stars, get that loose asshole of yours off your seat!” And “Nicole, if you don’t stand up I am NEVER giving you head again!”

Okay, so maybe they still don’t want heteros to know that they’re queer, but could they at least let us know? Like say some secret sign or a strange word. I mean, I guess they do have a few code words, like “longtime friend.” I have no longtime friends, I have best friends. But maybe that’s because I’m cantankerous and my personality bucks off best friends (except for the brave).

Well, I’m sleepy so that’s all, and now I’m listening to stories of reincarnation. I hope celebrity queers reincarnate with some backbone.

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