The Snuff It’s

I have been on a very long road trip with two queer gals and a mother through Western USA. Among the things we saw was the Arches in Utah. some lizards. petroglyphs, cave dwellings in Colorado, some canyons, The Balancing Rock, Devil’s Tower, Sturgis, deer, bikers, and a helluva lot of RV parks. I am now an expert in doing sewage dumps, after mum undid the lid and got splattered in liquid poo and refused to do it again. I’ve seen first hand the RV class system, and dudes, we may as well have been towing around a cardboard box the way those people treated us. One day we were driving down the road when bikers kept pointing and gesturing at us, we discovered our sewage hose had fallen out of it’s wee container and was being merrily dragged down the road.

Mister the weiner dog was with us and I was really glad for that, because one night at two in the morning I got the Snuff It’s BAD. As in, I had worked out a plan and was about to carry it out IMMEDIATELY. I’m sure it would have been a pretty gory scene had I carried it out. Anyway, I was crying and feeling pretty hopeless and working up the nerve to just go do it and have it over with, and Mister started licking my face, and he just would not stop until I had calmed down. And then he snuggled right up to me until I fell asleep.

I keep getting the Snuff It’s off and on and it’s really bothering me. I’m not sure if I’m going to make it through this time. There isn’t really anyone I can talk to about this stuff, because people freak out and get mad at you if you’re talking suicide. I guess sometimes I just feel people would be better off without me, no one understands me, people think making fun of me is actually funny instead of abusive and making me want to kill myself even more. And people act like my bipolar disorder is a big burden on them, and besides all of that, I’m just not sure someone as marginalized as me has a fair chance in this world. I’m so tired of fighting and I’m so tired of not being loved. Most of all, I am tired of always wanting to kill myself, and I don’t know anymore how to make it stop. What makes me most sad is that I still feel like part of me died in the hospital and is never coming back.

I don’t know what else to say except that this pain is really awful and I’m running out of ways to make it go away.

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