I hate being grumpy. This whole experience has really dragged me down for quite a while, I felt so frusterated and pushed to the edge. I hate the edge. Whenever I make work I go a little bit crazy and it’s nice to have a curator who accepts that and gives me room to breathe, and support. It all makes me very relieved to remember that I’m a video artist. It’s so easy to show at festivals, just give them a tape and they go on their merry way.
I’m also glad to be returning to my feature screenplay. It’s been like a neglected girlfriend, waiting and sighing for me to return. Yet for some reason some people don’t really regard me writing this thing as making work. I don’t know why, it’s such a big project and it’s taking a lot of time and thought. People are weird man!
I’m also glad to be returning to my short video project “Love & Numbers” (working title). It’s a lot of fun for me making videos, I just love the process so much.
I’m thinking again about this creative process thing, people have often given me shit about the way I make things, how long it takes for me to make up my mind about certain aspects. And usually in the beginning when people see what I have it all looks like a bunch of nothing.
I think my main problem is that I’m an artist who needs secrecy to make my work, for various reasons. One is that the process of making work can take so much out of me emotionally, because I try to give the viewer an emotional reaction, I think that’s what good art does. I also know that it all looks like a lot of frantic nothing in the beginning, and I don’t like how people devalue the images I get just because it doesn’t tell a story or seem like art to them yet. And finally, I’m a manic depressive, and I can’t help but have a manic depressive way of creating. For me that translates into a lot of last minute changes as I finally put it all together, which to some people seems flighty.
Why is it so hard being an artist? This is why I like to live a hermit-like existence, away from the people who like art to be made in a certain way and be all about nothing.
Anyway, back to our regularily scheduled program next blog. I think my grump-fest is over. I am soooooo ready to stop thinking about this damn show.