Went to see the doctor today. Good news, finally. It appears I am in the early stages of a full remission. Full remission, the words never sounded sweeter. It’s funny, because while I was taking the bus to see my doctor, I was looking at all the people on the street and thinking “Wow, I feel normal.” I wasn’t even sure what normal was anymore, but for a moment I knew this was it. No weird thoughts, no agitation, no hyperactivity, no sadness. Just a nice even feeling, all balanced and happy. But not too happy.
What a fucking weird disease! It takes you up, up and away, in your beautiful balloon, then it slams you down into the deepest, darkest pit of despair. It makes you horny, makes you sluggish, no sleep, too much sleep. Day becomes night and night becomes day. And then it can fade away into remission. Go on then, you’re fine now. Bizarro land.
So I’m going to stay on all these things I’m taking, since it seems to be working. Maybe in a year or two the doctor and I will try going off my drugs, but I don’t really mind if I have to take Epival forever. All I want is a normal life, or as close to normal as I get.
And for people who think psych drug consumers are all being conformists, I should state I am still as much a weirdo as I ever was.