I’m not really a gamer, but I did finally get into Animal Crossing this summer.

Anyway, in 2016 I started making a video game called A Bipolar Journey. This year I got to revisit it and put on the last two levels that I’d wanted to include for ages. Four years! To be honest most of that time I wasn’t working on it. I would apply for arts grants to work on it, but for some reason I was too intimidated to go back in and relearn how to use Unity, and how to code in C# again. It just seemed like too much for me.

But this year DMG here in Toronto and the Digital Artist in Residence program at Mackenzie Art Gallery helped me finish it.

My goal ALWAYS was to end the story of coming to terms with having bipolar disorder with a level that described what it feels like to go back out into the community and have freedom and also try to stay stable on the meds they give you. So I wanted one pill that brought you up, and one that brought you down. It’s a simplistic look at my bipolar medications (I’m actually on three specifically for my moods, an antidepressant, an antipsychotic, and a mood stabilizer) but I didn’t want to get into having THREE types of meds fall from the sky. Plus I didn’t know what the third would do. So there are two.

Here is the final result!

I originally was gonna use the same bleeps that happen in the first level when antidepressants hit you, but this time around I wanted zaps in honour of the first side effect I ever had from psych meds. Paxil zaps are AWFUL and I don’t even know how to describe them to people who’ve never had them, but they really did suck. My medications now don’t really cause side effects, or if they do I am used to them. I am probably fatter because of them but it’s been almost 20 years and I don’t care so much.

I redid the opener screen for my game too, and renamed it. It is not A Bipolar Journey anymore, now it’s just Bipolar Journey. Why have an A?

I’m pretty happy that I finally finished, AND on time too!

The shoot a couple weekends ago was TOUGH and intense! I don’t really want to talk about it online, but I did learn a whole bunch of stuff which was pretty cool. I also got to work with a full crew for the first time, and driving scenes, and stunts, and pyrotechnics. It was pretty amazing in retrospect, although I remember the last night just being anxious to get through as much of the shot list before dawn. It’s pretty nervewracking when time is tight like that. I don’t know how directors get away with extending shoots into eternity, like those ones where people are supposed to shoot for six weeks and end up doing three months. I guess that’s what money gets you.

BUT we are gonna find an editor and do some amazing work with this amazing footage and I am pretty happy about that.

So far this year I have finished a two channel video installation, a short experimental film, a webseries episode script, a multi level video game, and if things are on track I will be done a feature film script and this dramatic short we shot by the end of this year. Not bad for someone trying to work during a pandemic!

I didn’t get a recent grant I applied for, so I’m a bit leery of my income these next few months. There are two arts councils I can apply to for individual projects, so I am trying to think of something good to apply for. I’ve also managed to qualify for CERB because I did lose income with this pandemic (some of these projects this year were non-paying!) so now that CERB is done I might try to see if I qualify for the next iteration of income support. I also want to get gigs though, but things are really up in the air.

I am wondering if when we can travel again, I can turn more of it down and do online versions instead. I was REALLY wore out from traveling the last couple of years, even tho I went to amazing places, and this respite from getting on planes and being able to stay home has been REALLY NICE. I do still want to travel one day, but the way it was going before was unsustainable for both myself and the environment. So I dunno, I think the arts and entertainment industry needs to take this time to look at the way we treated travel before and how we can limit it in the future. Because it really doesn’t have to be this way.

I’m in the New York Film Festival this year, and all their programs are geolocked to the USA. SO that kinda sucks, but they are giving me an Industry pass so I can see films that AREN’T geolocked.

I’m not sure what I think about geolocking. I understand the impulse, wanting to keep film festivals local and stuff. But at the same time some of these film festivals are international, and yet the international artists showing in them can’t watch from overseas/over borders. I imagine it’s probably about wanting to limit the number of people logging on to watch something. But then why not sell limited tickets?

Anyway, that is a larger question for film fests and filmmakers these days to grapple with.

I am pretty happy these days, which is good. I was wore out from the shoot, but seeing the footage and then going back to my video game has made me feel creative again, which is nice.

ALSO the short film is based on the feature I am writing. And seeing the actress embody that role made me see my lead character in a more emotionally full way. I don’t know, for some reason at some point I just started writing this character like she was basically constantly dissociated. But I don’t see her that way anymore. So that was cool to realize.

What else? Eh, I have a fun crush right now, but it’s not going anywhere. I always have crushes tho. I do feel like I am ready to fall in love though, like the way I felt last fall before I got my heart stomped on. Like I am ready! I am there! I’m picky though. And a little timid sometimes too.

Usually I read the last post I wrote before I write a new one. But I remember I was feeling maudlin in my last post and I don’t want that energy right now.

SO ANYWAY!

I’ve been working on this feature film project for a long time, and earlier this year we got production funds to make a calling card short based on the feature. Which is a chance for me to get actual directing experience and like, basically a dress rehearsal for me directing a feature on my own. Because I’ve made films VERY differently so far. Like usually I am my own crew, I shoot my own stuff, I make experimental stuff, my actors are friends, etc. Just low/no budget experimental videos really, and the odd larger budget doc. SO I am making a short drama with actual Actra actors. And we have a real crew, like the whole big thing. There are various producers and co-producers. It’s been really exciting and challenging but an amazing experience. So far it’s all been preproduction, but tomorrow we actually shoot!

Today we had stunt rehearsal which is like, the big tough fight scene. It went really well. I felt good about it. I think the actors did an amazing job as did the stunt coordinator. And there’s been people spending a lot of time on this which is great.

I haven’t had time to play Animal Crossing for a week tho, it’s just been constantly working. I’m finally taking it easy tonight in between answering emails about the production. I’m gonna stay up late and sleep in tomorrow because both nights we shoot we shoot from like, dusk to dawn. So it’s gonna be pretty heavy. PLUS there might be a thunderstorm tomorrow.

There’s been so many details to work out and a lot to think about. And a lot of communication and forgetting to communicate sometimes. And I’m learning things the actors need in a script that just seemed obvious to me but AREN’T because they aren’t written down. So that’s interesting. The script is basically a living document. I think we’ve finally finalized it tho, there’s nothing changing anymore, until we go and edit. I’ve been sending so many versions when things change and I’m sure everyone is tired of it. BUT hopefully everyone has it now.

I’m feeling more confident about directing now that the rehearsal is over. It seems easy for me to talk about beats or what the characters are feeling or thinking. And I think the actors are great!

So tomorrow we just add ALL the equipment and ALL the crew and we make a film! While staying up allllllll night! And then do it again on Saturday and then Sunday morning we wrap and all go home and sleep.

It’s pretty ambitious, because there’s a car scene on the first night, and a fight/pyrotechnics thing on the second night. We get to “burn” a dummy called Mr. Crispy. And a fake arm. And have flame bars! It’s gonna be cool! SO COOL. I’m excited!

I’m feeling really lucky to be making something like this. I know people are always telling me to just make experimental films forever and not do Industry shit. Which is kind of a shitty thing to hear. Cause as much as I like experimental films, I ALSO want to make drama and some day comedies that are more Industry. And also I’ve been working on a feature for years and I want to direct it. And also I am constantly getting new ideas to make films about, and not all of them are well served by experimental film. Some of them need huge crews and real actors and stuff. And yeah I will probably always pop off some experimental films. I got convinced by a friend to make an experimental Super 8 to submit to a festival this fall and that’s just gonna be a short fun thing.

That’s right! I just bought a Nizo Super 8 camera in MINT condition from some person in Germany. I’m pretty stoked about that too. I ordered six rolls of super 8 for it too so I have all that to play with these next few months. When Quarantine starts again.

We are also being careful about COVID on our set. I got a test the other day, came back negative! I took a COVID safe sets certificate thingy. We have to distance and when we can’t we are wearing PPE. There’s rules around how the actors have to do things. It’s tricky!

BUT people think a second wave is coming this fall, so I really just want to get this shot before we have to shut things down again. PLUS a fight scene outdoors, hopefully weather permitting it will be warmish on Saturday night for our fight scene.

ANYWAY I got distracted so I should finish this post now. YEAH things are exciting right now!

So I’ve been thinking what to write about here. And I think there was this pressure I felt under for a few years with biology and when can I fertilize these eggs and who is gonna carry them and there’s only so many years until I can’t do this. And then that choice got totally taken away this summer and I’ve just been like, hmm. Interesting.

I think it is changing how I am seeing dating for one thing. Like before I felt like “I must find the mother of my children like RIGHT NOW before it’s too late!” And since all this happened I’ve been looking into adoption which has NO age limit. And that really changes things. Cause it could be years before I find the right person and like yeah it’s not ideal to have small children when I am 50 but also maybe I don’t have a choice about that. Anyway, I am trying to put aside making a family and focus more on falling in love with someone. Cause I have very little control over things right now.

I do want to settle down. But like, most of my relationships expire after two months so I don’t really know what to do about that. Is it who I’ve been choosing? Do I need to get off Tinder? I feel kind of alienated from love just because of my previous life history, which isn’t a great feeling to take into new relationships. I think there’s just been this ongoing feeling of unrequited love that has dogged me for years and it’s like, ew. Gross. I mean there was someone I love who still says I love you to me, we just didn’t work out. But most relationships, I dunno. I mean the thing is most relationships weren’t even really relationships. They were more like one or two night stands. Which is really fucking boring sex cause I like like 100 ways of fucking but in one or two nights you can only get through like, four or five ways. And then also just having someone being emotionally present, like that would be nice. Also I haven’t cum with a partner until like, very recently and that was a Skype date. I’m just someone who needs time with someone before I can be fully there. So that’s also frustrating.

I dunno. It’s also the worst time to date because of COVID. Like normally I’d be going on a bunch of first dates (and I rarely get second dates cause I’m too shy) but now it’s not really safe to spend time with a bunch of different people. So I do have a hang out with someone cute coming up, like it’s not all doomy around here. But it’s just changed things a lot. I feel sometimes like dating is a numbers game and you just have to meet a bunch of people until you find someone with a spark. But now I can’t do that. I dunno it’s weird.

And then I find I have unresolved emotions about past lovers that really need to be felt so they can get put behind me. Like, one of them didn’t want to get to know me, and it hurt, and I’m still trying to understand that so I can get over it. And I can’t understand it, she just wasn’t interested in knowing me so there’s nothing that would make her miss me or want to be with me. I’m literally just someone famous she had sex with in a sleazy hotel. And I know cause I’ve heard stories from friends about famous people they fucked that it’s not like they were really interested in getting to know those people either, they are kind of just a good story for later. So it’s weird being that person for someone. I’m sure she doesn’t even talk about me though. And it’s also awkward because we have some of the same friends. So now I feel weird being around those friends.

Very strange.

And then there’s just other random heartbreaks that have happened with other people and I can kind of understand that Spotless Sunshine Mind thing because I almost wonder if it’s better to have that zapped out of your mind so you don’t still try to send them texts to see how they are doing. But then there are good things about having been with those people too. I don’t know. I have friends who will delete all the photos and all the numbers and block them on all social media and I’m just not one of those people. But would it be better if I was? I don’t know.

I’m glad I’m off substances. This seems like the kind of maudlin train of thought that would have lead me to drinking a six pack and smoking so much weed I couldn’t move. Oh man. Today I had a sense memory of smoking cigarettes while drinking coffee and then I’ve just been trained so much by all the concurrent disorders groups I went to to “play the tape to the end” and then I’m remembering my desk with an overflowing ashtray and the haze of smoke and the yellow stains of nicotine everywhere. Oh man gross!

If I can think that way about physical addictions, I don’t know why I can’t start thinking that way about my romantic failures. Like, yeah that person didn’t want to get to know me. But also she was threatened by me being honest about being hurt by something, and that’s not the kind of person who is safe for someone with a mood disorder to date. Like just think about that, that is such a logical reason to move on. I don’t know why I end up making it all complicated.

I think another thing is not being loved by someone who DID get to know me really well. I feel like a little kid being like “But I’m loveable, I don’t understand why you don’t feel this too.” I mean I can’t MAKE people say I love you or anything. And maybe she just doesn’t say that to exes. Like what am I trying to prove? I am still loveable whether she felt it or not.

It is also weird going through all these thoughts and trying to be open to new romance cause I’ve felt like people don’t understand that I could be sad about an ex but still very much capable of falling in love with them wholeheartedly. Like these are not BRAND NEW heartbreaks. They’re just old shit I am writing about so I can work through it and move on.

OH GOD but writing this post about looking for love again makes me cringe too cause I can hear all the unsolicited advice I am going to receive like “You have to stop looking and then you’ll find it!” First of all shut up. That’s the worst advice! I’m 42, I’ve tried not looking, I’ve tried dating apps, I’ve tried looking for people in real life, like I just don’t think someone can give me advice that is gonna work. And I’m not looking for advice either. I’m just writing a post about my complicated emotions these days. Unsolicited advice is the bane of my existence. And it’s also really patronizing for me to hear and makes me feel like you think I’m an idiot.

I was trying to talk about a break up a few months ago with a friend and she started giving me unsolicited advice and I told her I didn’t want it and then she told me I couldn’t talk about my break up then. So I stopped talking to her. I mean we’ve talked since, but I know I can’t process my feelings with her anymore.

Most of the time I just write through stuff here. I’ve avoided it recently because I didn’t know what to say. And because my career is taking off so people are coming here more for my film stuff. And this experimental blog is like, kind of treated in a weird way by people when they find it. Like, some people think I’m gonna tell all their secrets on it or something, even tho I’ve tried to keep it very naval gazey.

There is a lot of really interesting stuff going on in my career but it seems like a bad move to tack it onto the end of this complicated emotions post. Maybe I will post career stuff later.

Ugh I’ve been dreading writing this post on here cause I feel like I need to update the embryos situation. I mean because I have been so open about it.

SO I got my eggs fertilized, and basically they were growing until they stopped. They didn’t get to blasts. Which means they didn’t work. Which is sad. So I’m not trying again. It was thousands of dollars to just do the one cycle, and I’m not so wealthy that I can keep doing it. So I’ve been absorbing it for a while now, the ramifications. If they had worked I still would have needed to find a surrogate, which is complicated and expensive. And so now I don’t have to.

I signed up for a webinar to find out about the adoption process in Ontario later this month. I’m relieved that there ISN’T an age limit here on adoption. It gives me more time than the surrogate option would have.

But mostly I’m just trying to let this redirect me in another way children might come into my life. I’m trying to be open minded. It might be totally different than I expected.

ALSO I’m kind of glad I’ll have space and room to form a healthy romantic relationship with someone before bringing children into the mix, or without pushing my ideas of how I want to bring them into our relationship. Like, maybe we can have a solid two years together before adopting someone, which would be nice. It would be nice to have that space to grow together without the pressure of a biological clock. Or who knows maybe I will end up dating someone who is a parent.

Lol someone left a whole message on this site just to tell me I was a bad speller today I deleted it but I was thinking wow fuck you.

So I did another ill advised thing the other day and went to a beach. On a day that it turned into some kinda mega dance party with shitty social distancing. There were hundreds of people there. Yes we were outside BUT it was about as bad as that day at Trinity Bellwoods that made everyone on Twitter shit a brick. AND THEN of course today I’m texting with friends and one of my friends who knew about me going to that beach sends me an article in BlogTO about how there were HORDES of people there and so many complaints. And I’m just like omg I know it was so bad!

The good news is that after the Trinity Bellwoods fiasco, there WASN’T a massive COVID spike like everyone thought there would be. So it might be safer if it’s in the outdoors. But still ill advised. And I wanted my friend to hug me in the near future and now I don’t want to accidentally infect her if I DID get it yesterday. So I am isolating until I can get a test. Like a week? Maybe Thursday even? I don’t know I gotta find out how long I need to wait before the test.

Since I had to isolate, AND ALSO because today is my week off from GoodFood, I ordered groceries so I would have some side dishes and snacks. And I dunno, there is an option for item, and an option for kilos, and yeah long story short I ordered four tomatoes and ended up with like, TWENTY TOMATOES (ok at least 16) and I am sure I picked item. Cause I knew it was a risky choice. I picked 0.2 kilos of cheese once and ended up with a full kilo. So I know it happens. I’ve ordered one garlic and ended up with seven. It’s a risk you take with Instacart! Anyway, now I gotta figure out what to cook with 16 or 20 tomatoes. Sauces? Salsa? Tomato and bacon sandwiches? Do I can them? Oh man. I could freeze them but my freezer is packed because of that issue I had where I kept getting orders of fresh farm meat and didn’t realize I could go on a 12 week schedule instead of a 4 week schedule. I am the only one here who is eating (besides the dogs but they have their own food) so it’s not really like, I am serving a family of four food. And even if I was they wouldn’t eat 16 tomatoes in the time between now and when they go bad.

So yeah. Bummer. I did get baklava tho, and nuts, and hot rods, and some other things. Many things. Things I don’t get from the farm. Potatoes. A whole bunch of potatoes. I might also have trouble with that.

I’ve been growing strawberries. I have been pollinating them by hand with a qtip, and it must be working because every blossom as erupted into a small cute green strawberry. Emerging strawberries. I won’t get very many, but it’s nice growing them, and the plants are ever bearing so they will grow all summer.

I joined a Glad Day movie watching thing and watched San Junipero on Netflix (Black Mirror season 3 episode 4) and OMFG I cried so much! I was a blubbery mess. I kind of like crying like that but also the blinds were open and it was dark so my neighbours could see me crying again.

I do so much crying in private. Like, when I have a broken heart (which is frequently) I’ll just cry everyday while I’m writing in my diary. My heart is not broken right now. But I’ve lived here for five years this summer, and I can tell you there were definitely a couple years where crying EVERY DAY was a thing. Like, EVERY DAY! EVERY DAY! I can’t usually cry in front of people. So I do it alone, and I live alone, so I cry a lot in my day to day. And I sit near the window so I’m sure neighbours know me as that crying lady. Like Homer when he is spying on the neighbours from the second floor, only picture him crying. BUT I was doing pretty good, until this San Junipero episode ha ha. AWWW MY GOD. I’m such a sucker for queer lady love stories. Probably because for all intents and purposes I am a queer lady. Ha ha “lady” ha ha ha. I’m not really. I’m in that sapphic continuum for sure tho, so aww my heart! My withered queer heart!

Anyway. I’m on Tinder again. I’m trying to take it seriously although I would like to meet someone in “real life” and know we have things in common. I mean the thing is I met my last two lovers on Tinder so like??? I shouldn’t knock it? I dunno. I just don’t like it’s association with players, cause I am trying to find something long term FINALLY and it’s just not worked out for me so far. I hate that.

ALSO I have a lot of work to work on these days, and I’m falling behind. We are having a heat wave here, and I feel really loggy and unintelligent when I’m hot in a heat way. SO I’m just kind of, sitting around snacking and having ice cream and drinking pop and trying to figure out what to do with twenty tomatoes.

I also have a bag of lemons. BUT I was expecting a bag of lemons, and I am honestly gonna make lemonade, so it’s not an issue.

When life gives you tomatoes tho? OH man. I suppose I could chuck them at politicians.

It’s been really exciting seeing so much push to defund the police in the States, and here, but I don’t know if Canada is gonna take that seriously. I mean the white majority.

FUCK I am so used to self censoring the word white because you get your posts taken down on Facebook if you talk about white supremacists or white people being racist and it’s just always made me use various other ways of saying white like yt mostly, or wypipo, or I’ve seen () or #ffff. But it’s amazing how white supremacist Facebook moderators can basically forbid criticism of racism and racist actions by deleting entries by BIPOC about white people. It’s so frustrating. And I realized WOW this is my page I can say it as much as I want! I pay for this space.

I remember one time these terfs came here to bully me and I was deleting their comments and they were complaining about me censoring them and I was like “It’s my website for my words go make your own fucking website bitch” anyway yeah that was kinda funny. I wonder if they ever did make a dumbass terfy website? I know I had to block some ip’s because they just kept coming back for more like wow you’re a little obsessed there Patty. Gross!

ANYWAY.

I am doing okay I guess. I didn’t do any real exercising this last week besides walking my dog. She loves her walks. Little Mister went out for a toddle in the courtyard today, he never wants to be out very long but he looks cute running around. He bounces. His legs are so tiny. I had a roast this weekend but it did NOT taste as good today as yesterday. That’s ok. I’m roasting a chicken tomorrow. I’m not sure what to cook with it. Maybe some rice, I ate all my potatoes. I did finally do weights tonight, so that was good. I was doing them twice a week but yeah, missed Wednesday this week. And I normally do it Saturday but instead I did it today.

I had a distance visit with someone today, it was nice. I also talked to my friend on zoom, which was nice too. I’m trying to remember to keep being social in some capacity, because I get weird when it’s just me and my feelings.

Speaking of feelings I’ve just finished two weeks of heavy solo processing about a break up and another past ex lover/one night stand and it was SO HARD. But like, also healing. I had a lot of stuff I needed to let go of, including some anger issues. I’m not a fighty person or anything, I just mean the kind of anger that makes you seethe alone in bed at night and not be able to sleep cause you feel done wrong. I don’t know, it’s not something I can resolve because that person doesn’t talk to me and never apologized the first time I said she did something hurtful, so it’s one of those situations where closure isn’t going to happen with that one person. I mean closure often isn’t freely given by ex lovers tho. Like some people just don’t know how to apologize, or are just jerks. So many jerks. So it’s kind of been me trying to find closure myself and release myself from thinking about this person. The other recent ex and I are on good terms tho. It’s just this one jerkface I was kinda hung up on. Everyone meets that kind of person tho. And it’s not like I even spent very much time with her at all. I don’t even really know her except the things she likes doing in bed. I’m sure she’s a nice friend for people who aren’t me. Just yeah, weird history that I dragged around into my next relationship. So I’m trying to let it all go.

Cause I DO want to have a serious relationship with someone who isn’t a jerkface and doesn’t mind communicating hard stuff and knows how to apologize. I’m sure it’s possible. And I just feel like it might be coming soon and I want to be ready so she’s not also being like “You’re hung up on Jerkface still.” UGH NO no more jerkface!

I’ve been hung up on exes for a long time before, but those were actual relationships with long histories, not ill-advised one night stands. Kinda odd. Maybe it’s because of social media, before if someone was gone and you had no pictures of them they were just sort of mysteries and you’d look around at queer events for them and write in your diary. But now you can see them comment on shit, or post things, or blah blah blah come up in your People You May Know and make you paranoid. What are you saying Facebook why do you think I know this person what do you know?! Ha ha ha. See that actually really dates me that I remember dating before social media made it all messy.

Anyway. Things are good. I did do a lot of processing. And I was able to put my complex feelings aside long enough to finish the most recent draft of my feature script Evil Fire. I am hoping to finish rewriting this year, and then we will apply for production funds. It’s kinda ridiculous tho because productions are on hold while people figure out COVID or wait for a vaccine or something. So even tho we might get production funds for next year, we could still be waiting another year before being able to shoot. I dunno. It is all a mystery!

My dogs are good tho. And I’ve been using my sun porch more which is helping me think about my space differently. It’s basically another room that I barely use, so having the extra space be somewhere I can spend time in now is great. If I was still a smoker I’d smoke so much out there. But I am not. I get urges still, eight years later, but I don’t smoke. I’m keeping quit! I think about smoking weed sometimes too, but then I remember coughing until I’d piss and how shitty that was so I’m glad I don’t do that either.

I’m outgrowing my apartment/home. I’ve lived here for five years this summer, definitely a long time. I really love my apartment, it’s been a good safe place to live, and super affordable. But I REALLY want to get into a two bedroom, and I can’t do that until I have a partner to move in with. I’ve seen a couple two bedroom units in my co-op and they are really nice. Also not HUGE but like, they have dining rooms. I don’t have a dining room, just a living room, bedroom, teeny kitchen, and bathroom. ALSO the kitchens seem to have way more cupboard space. I would love more cupboards. I feel like that point in Alice In Wonderland when she’s eating food that makes her giant and her arms and legs are sticking out of windows in the house she’s bursting out of. Only I also have dogs!

I know I also need to lose some things. Like, I have a lot of tshirts I never wear. They could definitely go. I have books I really don’t need or want to read again, those could go. I have some DVDs I just don’t need. You know, just junk. I have cds that could go to the street. This stuff is all taking space and I don’t have to let it.

At the same time a pandemic really does feel like a shitty time to leave things out for people to pick through. Like who is gonna trust it to not have COVID? I can’t even guarantee it doesn’t have COVID because I don’t know maybe I am asymptomatic.

I’m not sure how to cope with this urge to move to a new place, since I definitely can’t move right now. I’m not leaving the co-op. My apartment gets great sun. I just want a bigger one. But I have been thinking maybe I could work on making my home more appealing. I’ve been cleaning rooms in a more substantive way. Like, I got rid of a lot of junk in my bedroom and put things where they were supposed to go. So it seems a lot more reasonable in there. And I’ve been thinking about painting my apartment. Not a HUGE paint job, but like, I could paint the trim in my living room, and the door to the stairs. Just a few things. I like the plants I’ve gotten, they make me feel more in touch with life and nature.

I don’t know. I am restless. And not like I want to leave town, and I definitely don’t want to leave the co-op. I think I am just antsy to get to the next part of my life where I’m living with someone and starting a life together and making each other dinner and having baths together and lazy morning sex and calling home to see if my partner wants me to pick something up from the store. And like, MORE SPACE! A kitchen with more cupboards. A place to have a dining table that we can eat at. I think what is also distressing is that this part of my life is completely out of my control until the right person comes along.

And I can’t go dating until this pandemic is over or under control or SOMETHING. It’s a very strange time in my life. I didn’t have this in my life plans.

Well I haven’t written here in a long time! OMG! So, some things have changed.

I was super concerned that I wouldn’t be able to fertilize my eggs this year because COVID shut down the fertility clinic. But they are reopening, and on Tuesday I am going to message them and see if I can get my donor to go in and just finally fertilize these guys. Cause I just want to get it over with, take a gamble. If we get good embryos that have a chance then great! If not… well I still tried. So yeah. I can’t afford to do another cycle because $6000 worth of medication is just not in my budget. Especially since I have to pay $4000 to also do genetic testing.

BUT hey there is still a chance!

I’m realizing I really don’t know what my future has in store for me. I know people try to have five year plans and my plans have usually only ever been two year plans at best. But this whole thing has thrown everyone for a loop. And I still don’t feel able to have a baby by myself. I need someone to help me parent, even if I am adopting. Plus I don’t know how I can get into a two bedroom if I don’t have a baby yet. It’s really complicated. Like do I need to get a partner to move into a two bedroom so that I could be eligible to adopt? Cause I can’t just move into a two bedroom by myself right now, not by the co-op rules anyway.

I’m confused.

Also I am just kind of taking a pause when it comes to dating. I do want a partner, but I am also deeply introspective right now and trying to understand what I really need from a relationship in the future. And what I can give. And the sort of attentive kind partner I want to be with. AND like I don’t know how to date with this pandemic. It seems like a big obstacle. If I could kiss anyone I would kiss my last lover because I still trust her, but she is not with me anymore. And I am trying to promise myself I won’t chase people anymore. I don’t think it’s ethical to try and convince someone to give me a chance. If they don’t freely want to give me a chance and date me then I don’t want it. And it doesn’t feel good to always be the chaser. Ugh.

Anyway. I have been cooking with the goodfood box, I made some really amazing dinners. Some other not so great dinners. I really don’t like bokchoy. If I could skip everything that has bokchoy I’d be happy. Bokchoy. ANYWAY, they look great in pictures so my instagram is like, dinner photos. Not real inspired but they make me happy anyway.

I also got a huge four foot windowbox for my sunporch and some pepper and strawberry plants, so I am growing those. They make me happy, just going outside every day, sometimes watering, checking their progress. I had lettuce too but some mice found the seedlings when I was still keeping them inside and ate them, roots and all! So no lettuce for me. I might get some herbs planted out there too tho, basil would be good. And who knows what else. I also got some succulents so I am trying hard not to kill those, but I have a bad history with succulents so we’re just gonna have to see.

I don’t go out much. I go to Shoppers for my meds, and toothpaste and stuff. I try to limit my NoFrills trips to once a week or sometimes once every two weeks. I’ve not needed to get much since I started getting the goodfood box tho. And I had signed up for a farm to deliver meat but I’m not eating it fast enough. ALSO today I just got an order of game from Antler so I am eating some pricey cuts of meat this next while. Bison and boar and duck and cornish hens. And venison. SO FANCY.

I’m actually kind of sad cause the bison came with like, two ribsteaks. And I was thinking tonight how nice it would be to cook them for dinner with someone. And then I started thinking about how I would have a physically distanced dinner with someone. I don’t know if it’s possible, especially if I am touching their food. I could wear gloves and a mask I guess. I dunno. I am going to have to plan my romantic dinners for the future.

I do like being part of a couple if the other person is serious about it. Like, if they get weirded out by romantic gestures like me cooking them dinner or writing them a love letter then it’s not fun. Like I think those are mostly the people who just wanted sex tho. But like, I like planning things for someone. I like writing love letters. I like being foolish and trying to play a song for them, or learn a song. I like making dinners. I like planning sexy escapades and adventures. I like spontaneously going to some event to hold hands in the audience and maybe kiss when no one is looking. Just real basic relationship things that I haven’t really had a chance to do much in my life. I did do some of those things. But not enough. It would be nice to lay next to someone and talk about the future and tell them I love them and hear it back. I don’t know why that has been so elusive for me but it has.

Anyway, I’m not really looking for it right now, since I don’t know how to date with a pandemic going on. And I don’t know if there will be a vaccine. But nobody knows really.

I saw two friends today in the flesh, which was kind of amazing, they both stopped by my house and visited from a distance. I miss visiting. It was nice. I went to a screening I was in on Femme Power TV on Twitch and it was really fun, really reminded me of fun queer events we can’t go to anymore because of the pandemic. It felt very intimate and yet also like a community, it was great.

Some days are easier than other days. I still watch a movie every day, or some shorts in a festival or event if that is going on. I watched an Agnes Varda film last night that was super beautiful, Cleo 5 to 7. So amazing! I watch some bad films too, like hollywood cheesy ones, or old crap movies, anything I feel moved to see that day. It’s been a good practice and I’m glad I started it.

Well, I’ve started a new habit while I’ve been on lockdown. I’m watching one new movie every day. I watched The Night Porter. Eraserhead. Oceans 8. The Kitchen. Ummmm what else? My Life As A Dog. I feel like I watched something else but I can’t remember. It’s good though, I’m trying to make it a general rule to only watch films I haven’t seen before. But I used to watch My Life As A Dog when we were kids, like all the time. It was just something I connected to I guess. We watched the dubbed version but this was subtitled. And made me cry a bunch of times.

I’m going to continue this movie a day thing for as long as I can. It’s expanding my brain which is good, I am discovering new things anyway by watching even the bad films.

I made a hamsteak and scalloped potatoes and a lemon meringue pie today. It was pretty good. I think the hamsteak was overcooked. The scalloped potatoes were good but watery. So maybe they will set a bit in the fridge tonight. I’m not really a practicing Anglican anymore, but I still like the types of foods that go with holidays like Easter. Mom always made us ham and scalloped potatoes.

Actually, I am also discovering that I am starting to like cooking a bigger more traditional meal once a week even tho I live alone. Like how people made Sunday roasts. I wonder if I could get a roast for next Sunday.

One thing I am glad is that the food shortages aren’t happening so much anymore. It’s getting way easier to get foods now. The grocery store was hell on Saturday tho, long line, I hate being in there. I’ll probably order another big shop of groceries online soon. But at the same time it was nice to see the food and remember things I liked. Like salami.

I started reading Moon of the Crusted Snow, but the part where they were gonna run out of groceries hit and I was like ahhhhhh noooooo ha ha. I’ll finish it, it is a well written book. I’m just not sure I’m set up to read about dystopic end times right now.

There was an article I read this evening that said Coronavirus attacks T cells and they are worried it is similar to HIV. I’m still not sure if I have gotten it yet. People say no, my runny nose wasn’t a concern. But anyway, reading this today made me really hope I get spared. We don’t know the long term health effects this virus is going to have. And it seems so easy to contract, like you can just be near someone and catch it. Yikes.

What else is happening? Hmmm, I started writing again this last week, I rewrote my outline and started the script. So I am gonna do that some more this week and see how far I get. All I can really work on these days is writing and editing. No productions. We don’t know when we can shoot our short. It’s put everything on hold and it’s really hard to make plans now. I hope we are ready to hit the ground running when we finally get an all clear.

I missed having flowers in my home. So when I went to get my medications, I went a block up to a corner store and got potted ranunculus and daffodils. The daffodils just started blooming this morning and made me ridiculously happy. I’m going to plant the bulbs out front in the fall. It’s nice having colour around.

I’m not sure what to do about dating. I tried having a date. But I’m not sure I’m ready, or if there is a point right now. Cause really we can’t see people until this has run its course. And who knows what the world will be like when that is over. I’m lonely it’s true but even if I had a sweetheart again, there’s not really a way to guarantee we could see each other. ALSO what if I had someone over and a neighbour snitched on me? I’m super loud in bed, not really someone who is unobtrusive or secretive. And like, I do have a gag I can use but I tried that this morning for kicks and was STILL super loud.

Then again, I did see my neighbours playing soccer outside today. So like, we all live in a small area, no one is really gonna betray someone else cause they got lucky with someone who doesn’t live in their home.

The world is getting dystopic though. I don’t like all these fines they are giving out for not social distancing. I think it’s overpolicing. And I think it makes stuff like going for a walk, hugging someone, taboo activities, and it really wigs me out.

Someday I’m gonna read this blog again and hopefully be like “oh fuck that was awful, glad it’s not like that now.” But part of me worries some of this shit is gonna stay.

I’m actually doing okay today. I think because I had energy to cook a roast chicken, and to roast some potatoes and beets. I’d better remember I ate beets or I’ll wig out tomorrow.

I’m struggling with the single thing, which is kind of hilarious considering how single I was for years and years. I don’t know why this is so hard, maybe because I have been told this pandemic is gonna go on for 18 months to 2 years. And like, how do you meet new people when you can’t see them in person? Like is someone gonna fall for me in a zoom meeting? I highly doubt it. Not to mention my online presence is the equivalent of me laying in my underwear in the road covered in potato chip crumbs and surrounded by Coke cans. Like, who is gonna be attracted to that kind of messy honesty? I’m really not sure. That’s the problem with being a semi public figure.

I am still taking care of my hygiene though. It’s been helping me feel more normal. Like I still have a bath everyday. I still keep my hair trimmed, even though it’s amateur hour over here. I have bare nails, I might give myself a manicure and put on nail polish. It chips so fast but would make me feel cute again. I was wearing t-shirts almost constantly but am going back to button ups and it’s actually made me feel normal. Ditto for wearing a bra. I shave my legs again, even though no one sees them I have to see them and it matters to me. Still brushing my teeth, maybe even more conscious of brushing my teeth properly because it’s harder to see a dentist right now.

Also cooking for myself has been going well. I haven’t ordered in very often. And I am making mostly decent food. I did make a shakshuka which was a new thing for me, so the eggs were over cooked but I feel more geared up for when I try again. I made myself cupcakes and those were nice. It’s probably too late now but I still want to cook a cobbler. Maybe tomorrow when I am eating chicken leftovers.

I think what really bothers me about being single right now is that I feel like my heart is super open to loving someone right now. And there’s no one, cause my old date doesn’t really want to try again right now. And I can’t meet people. Ugh it makes me sad if I think about it. I know some people got quarantined with terrible partners. So in some ways maybe some would envy me being quarantined alone. But it’s still hard. I’ve been cuddling my dogs a lot. Posey doesn’t let me cuddle her while we sleep anymore, so I cuddle a teddy bear at night and feel sad and regressed or something. But it does help.

I worry about people and my favourite neighbourhood businesses, if that makes sense. I worry about people having to leave Toronto because they can’t afford it here, or get evicted, even though they aren’t supposed to evict people. I worry about my shisha place having to shut down, my favourite deli with the apricot croissants, the local pet store, I don’t know, just places I worry about closing and losing. I worry about losing loved ones to suicide because this isn’t normal for humans. We are such social creatures, and this is hard on me and I’m sure on many others.

I’ve been getting checked in on which is nice, I mean online. There was one day I flipped out though and couldn’t handle messages. So it’s been quieter since then. Some really random people message me which is kind of funny because they aren’t people I would have thought to actually care about me. Like we don’t have conversations normally.

I’m trying to let go right now which is hard. I’m trying to let go of seeing my future plans happen a certain way. I don’t know what the future will bring, I feel like I’m gonna live through this but who the hell knows? I might not be able to fertilize my eggs at all. I might have to just adopt instead of trying. I might not have a girlfriend until I’m 44. I might not have a family until I’m 45. I mean it’s shifting all this shit WAY into the future and it’s kind of terrifying, especially since I am already in my 40’s and was already feeling like time is ticking. I feel like I am on pause.

One good thing is I’ve been able to do my art practice again. I recorded an audio track last night, my dog made a big fuss and was super noisy for no good reason, but it got recorded! I’m gonna chop it up tonight and see if I can make it into a coherent story, and then think more about adding other sounds to the soundtrack. I’m really bad with audio tracks, I often don’t make them as interesting as they could be. I’m one of those just add some talking to it and that’s good people. I have tried to expand this but it’s not always the greatest. But right now I have time to create, with no exhibitions or traveling to take time away from me. So I’m hoping I can experiment with my work more and push it. Also I need to rewrite my screenplay again. I lost count of the drafts of this thing. I know I started the beginning already and it was way better this time around, I just need to hop to it again.

Seems strange that just a few weeks ago I was in Berlin. At a huge international film festival. Making a splash. And now it’s like “You all stay home for the next two years!” Oh god. Someone hurry up with a vaccine. I mean I am taking care of my needs though. I have socialized with zoom and skype. And texted, and facebooked. Twitter is the weirdest place for me though I like posting there but like, no one ever interacts with my stuff. So that’s strange, I dunno, at this point I am just on there to follow some tarot astrologers. I unfollowed someone who hurt my heart on Instagram and then changed my name hoping she wouldn’t be able to find me again. Like, yeah that was some heavy letting go. I’ve never changed my Instagram handle in years, not since I started it, but I just didn’t want to be easily found anymore. The funny thing is her friends totally know I changed my handle so like, it doesn’t matter. PLUS she never looked me up anyway so it really doesn’t matter. Like she won’t be asking anyone about me I know that for a fact.

Ugh seems strange that interpersonal drama can still happen from the comfort of our own homes. I also had to tell an old friend who returned into my life to cool it a bit, which made me feel bad but I was just overwhelmed and I need to learn to protect my boundaries more.

Ehhhh what else? I’m okay though. Like I cry every day but what else is new? I always cried every day anyway. I wish I could move to the next chapter of my life though and that really stresses me out because I feel like the reins have been taken from my hands and I am totally powerless right now for the next two years. I don’t know how to cope with that. People have been saying I’m good at manifesting, but I’m so confused right now and it feels like I can’t manifest anything. Even film projects that received funding are on pause because the film Industry has ground to a halt over physical distancing. And like, finding someone to love and create a family with, that’s just totally gone for the next two years. Fuck. It’s so insane. Worse than insane. And I’ve been certifiably insane and trust me this is even worse. Fuck.