I’ve been plotting and planning my resolutions for 2019 when someone asked me what my life motto was and I remembered an old resolution I had to accept my good and bad parts of myself. It came from something a psychic said to me about learning to love myself even with all my flaws and my positive attributes. And I remember from before getting sober I was working SO DAMNED HARD on self improvement. And yeah the non-sober ballyhoo I was involved with was holding me back. But I kept going trying to make myself into this perfect good person and really that’s not realistic for anyone.
My Mom used to always get pissed at me when I would be crabby or grumpy like it was a horrible flaw in my character. And I remember really recently while I was hanging out with my friend Riki, I kind of mentioned wishing I wasn’t irritable sometimes and she was like “But that’s just normal, you’re allowed to have your feelings.” And I was like woah that’s blowing my mind! Because anything I did in particular in relation to living with bipolar disorder was so discouraged and invalidated through much of my life. I wasn’t allowed to be irritable or angry even though I was never one of those people that like threw things across the room when I was angry and I never was violent or over the top. Anyway, I think learning to embrace those parts of me that are feeling legit feelings like anger or sadness is important this next year, and probably part of learning to accept all of myself.
I still have resolutions though, but they seem to be more about learning to enjoy life and set boundaries than making myself a “better human.” Like I am not making a resolution to go to boxing class, because I was gonna go back again anyway. I am making a resolution to stop dating fuckgirls though, because I’ve realized the last 10 years of my romantic life were really filled with a lot of people who kind of dicked me around and didn’t really regard me seriously as a romantic partner. Like they wanted to have sex and then dump me because the conquest was over. Or like to have romantic attention but not a real legit relationship because they were too cool for that, it’s been pretty boring really. And frustrating. And I just don’t have the energy to go through more of this shit, if someone wants a real relationship they have to be serious about me and not play games or be a fucker. And if I am single again for 2019 that’s fine, I’m just not into this polyamorous casual bullshit anymore. Like I need a fulltime partner who wants a family with me, and I’m not going to get that if I keep dating or chasing fuckgirls. Ha ha omg I sound so bitter and maybe I am. But that’s okay, I really just want to cut through the shit this year. And it’s hard dating now because it’s like getting into heavy stuff right off the bat about expectations for life and children. I’m hoping that will reduce the amount of women I’ll meet who want to play games with me.
Except for board games, I would play those
I knit my dog a sweater this winter and it
was a challenge and taught me new knitting techniques and I kept being
intimidated by it and putting it down and leaving it but I finished it! And it looks
good and it fits her perfectly and she and I are very happy with it. I noticed
that when I am learning new knitting techniques I get overwhelmed and run away
from it, and it’s kind of the same in my creative life. Like when I was working
on my script and came to a heavy scene I’d open fb and dick around for a while.
Anyway, I think I am going to keep knitting and even try other challenging
things. I’m making mittens right now, I am working on the thumb of the first
one and fucked up by knitting when I should have purled. But it’s all a learning
process. And it’s okay to make mistakes.
I read three and a half books so far since I
got to my Mom’s for the holidays. I am a terrible reader, I mean I can do it,
it’s just that I focused so much on my fb addiction that I left reading
literature by the wayside. And I’ve really enjoyed reading books. I like
paperbacks. They are the best. I don’t really like reading a screen. I have no
kobos or kindles and I don’t want any. Anyway I think I am going to keep up
this reading books thing, because it’s good for me and because I know a lot of
authors and I’m sheepish to admit I have a stack of their books with not a
single spine cracked. Anyway yeah! Reading! Also when I have kids I want them
to read books and love reading, and so I know if I want to do that I have to
fix my bad screen habits.
I want to spend LESS time on facebook. In a
way I have done that this year. I wrote a lot in my personal diary, I started
another secret online journal, I’ve been googling things more, and I work a lot
more. I might take the facebook app off my phone and leave Messenger on there.
I really like the memes my friends share on facebook which is sometimes the
only reason I go on there. And the events.
I’m going to start an ASL class again in the
new year, but that’s not really a resolution so much as an activity.
I am going to practice my ukulele more. I
kind of let that fall out of my schedule this fall, and I was really liking it
before. I’m learning Jolene right now and it’s simple but also a damn good song
and I can potentially sing along to it. I don’t really regard myself as a musician
at the moment, but I know I love music because I always listen to it all day,
and I feel like making music would be good for my soul. And it is, it’s nice to
do these hand motions with an object and hear musical notes come out of it.
People keep telling me to do stand up comedy
but I can’t think of anything I would be more bummed to do so no.
This year my personal ridiculous non-funded project
is to write a book about my life. I’m not sure what to write about people who
were awful to me. People get so angry with me about making art about them or blogging
about what happened between us so I often don’t do it. But if I don’t write
about people I have had issues with or even good times, then my life story is
gonna look pretty boring because so much of life is about interacting with
others. Like I GUESS I could write about sitting alone in my bedroom being
stoned so much as a 20 something, but that’s like really boring. And honestly
some of the things that have happened are funny or interesting. I guess I could
give everyone fake names. That’s probably for the best for legal reasons
anyway. AND ALSO fuck people who tell me I can’t write about my life. I deserve
to talk about the things that have happened to me without needing to protect people
beyond giving them fake names.
But yeah, this last couple of years I wrote
nearly 1000 pages in my journal, and so this year I’d like to spend that time writing
something that I could publish instead of cry over ha ha.
I think that’s about all my resolutions.
Beyond all of that, 2019 is going to be a
really good year for me. I have some amazing things coming up. My psychic said
this was going to be the year I meet my life partner so I hope she is right.
She also said my dog Little Mister will probably pass on this year though,
which is sad. And he started peeing a lot which could mean he is losing kidney
function. He’s 13, he’s an old man. I just want to make sure he is comfortable
and loved up to the end. So I guess really 2019 will be a mixed bag. He’s been
with me for so long and I know it will be a huge hole in my heart when he goes.