So I’m back in Toronto. I had to do work days when I got back, and then I had to go to the dentist yesterday, and today was the vet. The vet visit is not quite done, she took blood and urine samples because she suspects he has an endocrine disease like diabetes, cushings, thyroid disease, or even kidney disease. I’m hoping its something that is manageable and treatable. He’s still a bouncy happy kind of guy, wags his tail a lot. I know he’s not suffering but I’m still feeling I’ll be saying a goodbye this year. I love him so much and he’s been a constant companion since I was 28. That’s a long time. Like 12 years with him, he’s 13 now. He’s seen me through some rough times and helped me survive. So whatever happens I want him to keep his dignity and be properly cared for.

He was so scared at the vet’s office today. He was shaking and panting. Awww my poor boy. He’s fine now that he’s home. Having a snooze, which is what I should do too because I feel so tired. I gave him some wet food when we got home so he could have a treat.

He’s over 18 pounds now! That’s so big! I thought maybe he was losing weight because he’s been on a diet the last month. But it could also be weight gain related to one of these diseases.

Anyway, that’s about all I have to say about him right now. They are gonna call me later with results and next steps. I should have a nap so I can listen properly.

I’m trying to get caught up on my work again. I owe two people video files, and they are being sent as I type. I am chatting with someone about making a video and I have some other video work coming my way, not to mention two videos I have grants to finish. One has a final report coming up soon, so I gotta ask for a five month extension. I’m trying to keep up with emails. I also ordered some really nice clothes from the UK and I am waiting for them to show up but the tracking ended at “Your parcel is leaving the UK” and when I try to continue tracking in Canada, Canada Post has no idea where it is.

I’m updating my wardrobe right now. I have a package of NICE SHIRTS waiting for me at my post office back home. I had to call for them to hang on to them for longer. I’m not going home until Friday, and then I go straight to a work thing so I can’t pick them up until Sunday. My dog is showing some worrying symptoms so he has a vet appointment in a week after we come home. I’m really missing home and I feel like my whole life is there now and I want to go back.

But yeah I am trying to dress better. I don’t know, I just feel like maybe 40 is too old to wear a t-shirt everyday of my life. Plus who knows I might get famous and I don’t want to wear the same wardrobe as fucking Mark Zuckerberg. Like yes I like bunnyhugs but also oh man don’t let that become my signature.

What else is up with me? I love my work. I am pretty happy with my life. I feel fortunate most of the time. I’ve worked hard to get where I am and I’m pleased with that. I feel self conscious sometimes of my success around people who are struggling. BUT ALSO there were many many many years where I was mostly struggling too and wasting my time in call centres because I couldn’t make a living in my field. So in a way I don’t feel so bad. I definitely paid my dues.

I guess mostly I am trying to just concentrate on doing the things that make me happy, like being involved with TQFF, and making my films, and writing here and there, and knitting new things, and reading good books, and all sorts of little random hobbies and routines that make me pretty content. I waver between wanting to run out and find a girlfriend and also just being happy being single right now and doing my own thing. I feel like being happy with myself and my life is really the important thing right now.

My Invisalign treatment is going awesome. I’m going to tray ten this Sunday after I get home. It’s made a big difference already. Sometimes my teeth hurt when I am chewing on things. But mostly it’s been fine, and I’m glad my mouth is changing.

New Clothes! Straight teeth! So exciting! And work is great, I’ll always be into it. I’m glad I’ve had something to work towards for 24 years.

I’ve been plotting and planning my resolutions for 2019 when someone asked me what my life motto was and I remembered an old resolution I had to accept my good and bad parts of myself. It came from something a psychic said to me about learning to love myself even with all my flaws and my positive attributes. And I remember from before getting sober I was working SO DAMNED HARD on self improvement. And yeah the non-sober ballyhoo I was involved with was holding me back. But I kept going trying to make myself into this perfect good person and really that’s not realistic for anyone.

My Mom used to always get pissed at me when I would be crabby or grumpy like it was a horrible flaw in my character. And I remember really recently while I was hanging out with my friend Riki, I kind of mentioned wishing I wasn’t irritable sometimes and she was like “But that’s just normal, you’re allowed to have your feelings.” And I was like woah that’s blowing my mind! Because anything I did in particular in relation to living with bipolar disorder was so discouraged and invalidated through much of my life. I wasn’t allowed to be irritable or angry even though I was never one of those people that like threw things across the room when I was angry and I never was violent or over the top. Anyway, I think learning to embrace those parts of me that are feeling legit feelings like anger or sadness is important this next year, and probably part of learning to accept all of myself.

I still have resolutions though, but they seem to be more about learning to enjoy life and set boundaries than making myself a “better human.” Like I am not making a resolution to go to boxing class, because I was gonna go back again anyway. I am making a resolution to stop dating fuckgirls though, because I’ve realized the last 10 years of my romantic life were really filled with a lot of people who kind of dicked me around and didn’t really regard me seriously as a romantic partner. Like they wanted to have sex and then dump me because the conquest was over. Or like to have romantic attention but not a real legit relationship because they were too cool for that, it’s been pretty boring really. And frustrating. And I just don’t have the energy to go through more of this shit, if someone wants a real relationship they have to be serious about me and not play games or be a fucker. And if I am single again for 2019 that’s fine, I’m just not into this polyamorous casual bullshit anymore. Like I need a fulltime partner who wants a family with me, and I’m not going to get that if I keep dating or chasing fuckgirls. Ha ha omg I sound so bitter and maybe I am. But that’s okay, I really just want to cut through the shit this year. And it’s hard dating now because it’s like getting into heavy stuff right off the bat about expectations for life and children. I’m hoping that will reduce the amount of women I’ll meet who want to play games with me.

Except for board games, I would play those with anyone.

I knit my dog a sweater this winter and it was a challenge and taught me new knitting techniques and I kept being intimidated by it and putting it down and leaving it but I finished it! And it looks good and it fits her perfectly and she and I are very happy with it. I noticed that when I am learning new knitting techniques I get overwhelmed and run away from it, and it’s kind of the same in my creative life. Like when I was working on my script and came to a heavy scene I’d open fb and dick around for a while. Anyway, I think I am going to keep knitting and even try other challenging things. I’m making mittens right now, I am working on the thumb of the first one and fucked up by knitting when I should have purled. But it’s all a learning process. And it’s okay to make mistakes.

I read three and a half books so far since I got to my Mom’s for the holidays. I am a terrible reader, I mean I can do it, it’s just that I focused so much on my fb addiction that I left reading literature by the wayside. And I’ve really enjoyed reading books. I like paperbacks. They are the best. I don’t really like reading a screen. I have no kobos or kindles and I don’t want any. Anyway I think I am going to keep up this reading books thing, because it’s good for me and because I know a lot of authors and I’m sheepish to admit I have a stack of their books with not a single spine cracked. Anyway yeah! Reading! Also when I have kids I want them to read books and love reading, and so I know if I want to do that I have to fix my bad screen habits.

I want to spend LESS time on facebook. In a way I have done that this year. I wrote a lot in my personal diary, I started another secret online journal, I’ve been googling things more, and I work a lot more. I might take the facebook app off my phone and leave Messenger on there. I really like the memes my friends share on facebook which is sometimes the only reason I go on there. And the events.

I’m going to start an ASL class again in the new year, but that’s not really a resolution so much as an activity.

I am going to practice my ukulele more. I kind of let that fall out of my schedule this fall, and I was really liking it before. I’m learning Jolene right now and it’s simple but also a damn good song and I can potentially sing along to it. I don’t really regard myself as a musician at the moment, but I know I love music because I always listen to it all day, and I feel like making music would be good for my soul. And it is, it’s nice to do these hand motions with an object and hear musical notes come out of it.

People keep telling me to do stand up comedy but I can’t think of anything I would be more bummed to do so no.

This year my personal ridiculous non-funded project is to write a book about my life. I’m not sure what to write about people who were awful to me. People get so angry with me about making art about them or blogging about what happened between us so I often don’t do it. But if I don’t write about people I have had issues with or even good times, then my life story is gonna look pretty boring because so much of life is about interacting with others. Like I GUESS I could write about sitting alone in my bedroom being stoned so much as a 20 something, but that’s like really boring. And honestly some of the things that have happened are funny or interesting. I guess I could give everyone fake names. That’s probably for the best for legal reasons anyway. AND ALSO fuck people who tell me I can’t write about my life. I deserve to talk about the things that have happened to me without needing to protect people beyond giving them fake names.

But yeah, this last couple of years I wrote nearly 1000 pages in my journal, and so this year I’d like to spend that time writing something that I could publish instead of cry over ha ha.

I think that’s about all my resolutions.

Beyond all of that, 2019 is going to be a really good year for me. I have some amazing things coming up. My psychic said this was going to be the year I meet my life partner so I hope she is right. She also said my dog Little Mister will probably pass on this year though, which is sad. And he started peeing a lot which could mean he is losing kidney function. He’s 13, he’s an old man. I just want to make sure he is comfortable and loved up to the end. So I guess really 2019 will be a mixed bag. He’s been with me for so long and I know it will be a huge hole in my heart when he goes.

It’s Christmas almost. I don’t have a lot of feelings about Christmas this year. It’s fine. We are gonna make some cookies. I feel like last year was such a quiet Christmas that I am probably gonna get overwhelmed with the family stuff this year.

Anyway, I’m almost done knitting my dog’s sweater. I’m not sure it’s long enough though. I wish I could try it on her. She might have her butt hanging out. BUT ALSO it’s just an indoors sweater for when she is chilly. I’ve learned new skills making it, like wrap and turns and short rows and knitting in the round with both double pointed and circular needles. So it’s good to have those skills, I could make socks now! I think I am gonna try and make mittens with thrums next. Or Newfie mittens. We’ll see. Perhaps just regular mittens.

I’ve got exciting work stuff coming up but it’s all secret right now so I can’t talk about it. I mean there are a few things happening. It’s pretty cool though and makes me look forward to 2019. I’m kind of bouncing up and down with anticipation when I think of it all and I am hoping it boosts my career.

I’m still single. Which is fine. I have been on four dates the last year and I have met new people and some are sort of friends and some just kind of faded back into the crowds of Toronto. I’m trying NOT to talk about dating but also dating is weird. I wish I could run background checks on everyone now because yeahhhhhh not everyone has the best of intentions.

I’m feeling better about my rule of not having sex on the first date though. It’s been keeping my ass out of trouble. I used to fuck like RIGHT AWAY because I had low self esteem and thought that would be the only way someone would want to hang around with me. Which is super depressing when I think of it. But now I’m kind of feeling that someone has to prove they have good intentions and are a good person. And that they recognize my worth, because some people just do not and they can go fuck off honestly.

Anyway, that’s probably the least interesting thing about my life right now.

I got a Toronto Art Council grant which is exciting! I’m going to make a short about this medicine bundle that was in my family which helped us survive colonization basically. So I am gonna be working on that. I also still have to shoot a video I got money for last year from the OAC.

I’m excited about life I guess. I’ve been doing a lot of knitting and reading here in Saskatoon. I read Vivek Shraya’s “I’m Afraid of Men” and now I am reading Lindsay Nixon’s “Nîtisânak.” I also have three other books I got to read. They are all pretty slim books so I feel like I can read them all the next few days.

It’s this thing where I’m like obviously a storytelling type of artist, but I don’t read enough, and I don’t watch enough films or television shows. I made a resolution once to watch more film and read more books, but I failed. BUT I am working on it! I CAN DO IT.

What I tend to consume is music, surprisingly. It’s hard being at my Mom’s house because she always has the tv on and it’s pretty boring, and at home I am always listening to music. And yeah I will get stuck on certain songs listening to them over and over. But it helps me work through feelings and ideas. Anyway, this last year I finally started seriously practicing my ukulele with our band, and it’s been nice to feel like I am engaging in making music. We are doing covers, but maybe someday we can do original songs.

I’m feeling good though. There are things I’ve done this year that have been good for me. I will probably write a more expansive look at the last year closer to new years.

I’m a tumblr user, but I only ever really reblogged memes and funny/political posts, while secretly looking at porn and not reblogging it. But yeah, I remember a little while ago logging on and searching my usual searches and being like, dude where’s my porn? Anyway, it’s gone! I knew there was something up before they made the announcement, because general smutty searches were turning up no hits. And then yeah, they said no nsfw posts anymore. Which is really disappointing even as a tumblr blogger who never really made my own cherished original nsfw content. So I can’t imagine what actual porn and nsfw content creators are feeling right now.

I remember when Yahoo bought tumblr everyone was like “uh oh” and they were like “Oh yeah no don’t worry we won’t ban porn/adult content/nudity.” Now Verizon owns it and Apple is being a bully and anyway, sucks.

And then FACEBOOK started getting weird also and put out that weird change in terms of service where you can’t talk about your sexual preferences etc.

It all makes me really glad to have my own blog where I can do embarrassing things like write a post about my transdick. And I think I’ve written maybe a couple other sex things in the past. Not much though, just because people say you should write what you know and no matter how much of a perv I am, I actually haven’t gotten laid that much in my life. So yeah, I never really felt like “I have a need to make porn.” But I appreciate people who do. AND obviously I’m into queer kink and that stuff is no longer Facebook friendly. So maybe I will try writing here more often or something.

I do own the domain to 2spiritdreamcatcher.com, so who knows, maybe I’ll turn it into an adult oriented social media/dating site. I mean that’s expecting a lot of me right now though. 

IN OTHER NEWS:

I’m heading home, to Saskatoon, to be with my family this Christmas. My Mom and sister Sky are there, along with a few cousins and Auntie and Uncles. In some regards I’m not ready to go home, I don’t want to be there for a whole month, which is what is gonna happen because of dogs. But in other respects, it might be good for me to get out of town and reconnect with my hometown. It’d be good to see old friends and be there long enough that we can really visit, instead of like a two hour coffee at Broadway Roastery and then I am off to do something else.

I’m going to miss some Toronto friends though. But my friend Riki just moved back to Saskatoon, so I can see her which will be nice. I’m gonna miss my Smart TV ha ha. I’m gonna miss my neighbourhood and all the cute corny Christmas things they do. I’ve spent the last two Christmases in Toronto, so finally going home again is like, hmm, I dunno.

I wish tumblr didn’t just trash all their porn blogs. That is disappointing. I know other people will take over. And not every goddamn site has to have an app on the App store for Apple to freak out about. Anyway yeah….

I feel like the world has gotten very antisex. It seems ridiculous that we are back to the handwringing about smutty art that we dealt with in the 80’s and 90’s. Like grow up already! 

Tanya Tagaq was getting attacked for her new album cover which has a fox with a giant erection on it, by Inuit people no less. I kind of dread that in my future. I know it has happened to me already, but just that kind of assumption that being Indigenous means as artists we can be censored by our communities for sexual/queer work. That’s messed up. That’s one of the reasons I am super leery of the fact that elders are sitting on arts board grant juries, and rules are being applied to Indigenous filmmakers about our community accountability that don’t get applied to white filmmakers. There’s something really worrisome about all of those things. 

I know Indigiqueer artists have been denied funding when we apply to specifically Indigenous pots of money. And it’s homophobia and transphobia doing that, and it comes from colonization.

Anyway, I have been remembering alot of the early days of the internet, when people were really defensive of free speech even when it was stuff we didn’t agree with. Like, yes, even racist shit. Because we knew on some level if you shut down one thing, it would shut down a whole bunch of other stuff. We fought for people to be able to post whatever. And yeah, there was a lot of awful stuff out there. But we knew it meant some really good marginalized stuff like queer and kink and sex stuff could exist. It was a delicate balance.

And yeah a bunch of nazi’s got deplatformed recently, and I can’t say I miss them. But also a bunch of sex workers got access to funds and sites shut down. And now queers and trans people. And it’s just gonna snowball. And I can kind of see some kind of resistance taking place. But to be honest, it’s not gonna take place as long as we are focusing energy on censoring other things like some dumb creepy Christmas song. Like, what happened to the other internet citizens who knew we had to keep Hick’s creepy gay nazi porn online so that other stuff wouldn’t get shut down? I don’t want to say it’s all or nothing, but it’s like Christmas lights, if one goes out then so will the whole string.

So it’s almost Christmas I guess. I’m heading home on Monday, HOME being Saskatoon. Which really isn’t home anymore, but I still call it that cause I lived there for three quarters of my life almost. So yeah that’s like… home.

I’m not really writing this to reflect on Saskatoon though. I’ve recently gotten back into wearing a packer. It’s interesting. I haven’t worn this thing since I lived in Saskatoon. It’s a medium sized Mr. Limpy from Fleshlight, but I keep calling it Mr. Linty since that’s all it collects. ALSO for Godssakes, the thing is so big. I can’t imagine what a LARGE Mr. Linty looks like. Probably way too big for my pants. This thing is almost too big now.

I’ve been wearing them just tucked in my underwear for ages. I mean before my years long break of not packing. And there’s always this moment when I’m taking down my underwear to have a pee when they kind of do a flop/roll onto the floor or down my pant leg or whatever.

They changed how WordPress does a text post and I can’t tell you how annoying it is right now.

ANYWAY….

I ordered two different packer pouches finally. Cause it was always on my mind to try one and see if it improves life. And the first one came today, it’s a Joey Pouch with eggplants on it, super cute. And it doesn’t come across as being particularly sexy or anything. But with my dick in there, and pinned to the right spot in my underwear, it actually looks good. For the first time I didn’t feel like I had to worry about it falling or slipping. And it looks like, normal, where it sits I mean. Cause it’s more natural, and before I would just guess at where a dick sits (I have very limited experience with real flesh dicks!) and also they would kind of slouch over to one side inevitably anyway like a passed out drunk. Like yeah, unruly dicks.

Anyway, this feels good. I wore it today when I went out to do a couple errands, went to the post office and a christmas store and the corner store. Feeling all the while like there’s some giant neon arrow pointing to my dick. But no one stared or said anything. Even though I id as fairly masculine, I still have a lot of feminine markers like wearing pink and having nail polish and having bright colours that are typically found in “women’s fashion.” Like I’m still wearing jeans and boots, but also I’m so obviously a girl. And it doesn’t bother me because a big part of me still id’s as a woman. Gender is so weird. Anyway, I was worried the dick would throw people off and make me even more obviously trans or some kind of pervert, all of which I AM but you know, I just want to pass through the world with my dick tucked away undisturbed by others. 

I’m going to be trying out another packer strap, it’s being sent to my Mom’s because I’m going there on Monday. So I will let you know how that goes.

I’m probably gonna take it off before I do the airport thing. I don’t want to deal with having an “anomaly.” I know I have some privilege being able to hide away some obviously genderqueer parts of myself without getting majorly dysphoric. But yeah….

It is really nice though to have a dick. I wore it for three days in a row (back when it was still acting like a wobbly drunk falling over all the time) and the fourth day I didn’t wear it and felt super weird, like part of me was missing. 

Packers are funny. I know it probably sounds weird to want a dick when it’s too limp to even do anything with anyway. I’d have to do a Superdyke dick change in a bathroom with a stiffer one and a harness before I could come back and fuck someone properly. But there’s still something nice about being able to squeeze something that feels like I really have a dick. 

I think so much of my gender just exists in my head. I try to express it but honestly it’s so complicated and fluid all of the time.

I don’t want a binder though. It’s like… I just like my breasts. I know everyone has their own relationship to their body, and everyone’s is valid. But I want to champion the idea of masculine breasts that aren’t necessarily flat or bound. I want bigger chests like mine to just be thought of as a variation on masculinity. I dunno, it’s complex. If I could walk around like a guy with my top off I would, but I don’t want to get surgery just so I can do that. In the meantime I’m just trying to wear more low cut things to show off my tattoo.

Mostly all this gender stuff is doing is to make me comfortable and hopefully express to the right person what kind of human I am and that I’m the one they want. I don’t know who that person is. I’m single but I’m not desperate. I’m sure at some point the pieces will fit and I’ll find someone who I would like to grope me and my packer.

I have a new packer coming! It’s called Pierre or something like that, it’s made by New York Toy Collective and it’s uncircumsized ha ha. I had to send the one I got in the mail today back (I accidentally ordered two) but it looks like a much more reasonable size than my GIGANTOR Mr. Linty.

It is way later. Australia was amazing. We went to the country for a few days driving along the Great Ocean Road and staying in a cabin and seeing the ocean and a rainforest and unfortunately passing a lot of roadkill wallabies/kangaroos. And even two roadkill koalas. SAD! OMG. We went to some hot springs. We went to a cave. We saw the Southern Cross while watching kangaroos eat in the dark. We did so many things and it was an amazing trip that mostly was documented on my Instagram account (@thirzac) so if you wanted to go see the pictures go there.

Now I am back and trying to readjust to life. I was gonna say Nothing Can Top That but then I got some insanely good news I can’t talk about, and I’m back to feeling on cloud nine. It’s really nice.

It’s funny, you can work and work and work and feel like you aren’t really getting anywhere and then suddenly realize you’re going to be recognized and make it and it’s like, such a nice feeling. Like it was all worth it.

I mean I always liked my career anyway. It’s something I feel good about doing. I like challenging myself and feeling like I am always growing. But it’s nice sometimes when you get the nod that you are going in the right direction.

I really only have a little while of being home before I leave again. I am spending most of December and the first part of January in Saskatoon. I’m really happy about it, because I will get to see old friends, and some of my family. It’s weird going back now with no Grandma or Grandpa there. I always looked forward to visiting them, and they’ve been gone for a while now. Last year when my Mom, Auntie, and I went to the UK for two weeks, I came back to have a psychic reading and found out my Grandma said she went with us. It almost made me choke up when the psychic said that. Anyway, I was thinking of Grandma while I was in Australia, I was wondering if she was with me again. It is comforting to think of her going with me to all the places I am going to go. I had her binoculars with me, she was a birdwatcher, and we would look for penguins and seals and stuff with them. They were so handy. I’m glad I have them.

I am cleaning my apartment today. The kitchen is a mess. Everywhere is a mess really. I need to whip it into shape. Yesterday I slept until 4pm because I was so jetlagged, and the plane from LA came over night so we arrived early in the morning. And then I did my laundry because the situation was dire. I had a work phone call. Sent some work emails. Woke up this morning and sent more work emails. I need to catch up. I bought some groceries, I am going to make some tacos tonight. I went to my friend Elwood’s apartment and got his keys to feed his cat and fish tomorrow.

I don’t know, I feel very weird. I feel excited and confused and I don’t really know what is going to happen to me next year but I think it’s going to be big. I think 2019 might end up being my ultimate year. It also happens to be the year my psychic saw me getting my career to rise and a serious relationship showing up. And I kind of think it might be true. But so much is unknown about my future. I mean no one really knows their future.

I’m worried my cactus has some kind of illness. I have this giant cactus that was growing new pads and everything, but around the spikes there is some white stuff. Noooo I don’t even know what kind of cactus it is, I just got it at the corner store this summer.

I updated my bio and c.v. today, they are on this website! Finally!

My Invisaligns are working. And I am still losing weight. I feel shallow being happy about my body changing. I think I’m more excited by the teeth than the weight thing though, because I don’t really believe I am ever gonna stabilize my weight and remain the same for a length of time. And honestly chunky is pretty cute too. I’m trying to be conscious of smaller person privilege. I’m really not thin and I doubt I will ever be. But I’m way smaller than I was before and I know it’s probably going to change how people treat me. I keep looking in the mirror and being surprised by what I see. And when I was in Australia I took a picture of myself where I could see how my teeth are moving. Interesting.

Yesterday was a LONG day of this tour to Philip Island with a stop at Maru Animal Park where we got to see some Australian animals. Mostly the kangaroos were not interested in eating our food because people fed them all day. But they were cool to see. I got to see a wombat. I got to pet a koala. I got to look at a dingo. I got a hilarious photo of some emus. Then we went to Philip Island and got to wait for the little penguins to come ashore. It was a long wait, uncomfortable, my body was hurting. We had to be there as the sun set and then this one tiny penguin waddled up the shore. And then another group. And another group. And then we walked on the boards above their burrows and got to see them socializing. Closer to the interpretive centre a couple were fucking in front of everyone with all the lights on them. I mean I guess they need to be on land to do it, so why wait? Super cute little guys.

The tour guide we had talked almost the whole time he drove us around, hours and hours, and it kind of like, omg. It was a bit much. And then he was going to be quiet but put jazz music on for the rest of the drive to Melbourne and it was like omg noooo I need to listen to something else if I can’t listen to nothing! So I listened to my music on the way back.

Today we decided to have a chill day so we went to the UGG outlet store, and a well stocked store for Blundstones. Riki got some UGGs and I got this actually surprisingly nice pair of Blundstones. And then we got dumplings.

On the way back to the hostel some Jesus freaks jumped on our tram to preach Jesus shit and talk about their friend who survived being shot nine times through the power of Christ. And I wanted to ask “Was he talking about Jesus when he got shot nine times?” Riki and I were trying not to make eye contact with them. And then Riki turns to me and was like “Is it because it’s Tuesday?” Because yeah we haven’t seen Jesus freaks out other days. Is Tuesday the Australian evangelical holy day?

It’s hot in our hostel and it’s hot outside and we don’t have air conditioning. I’m shocked any hostel or hotel wouldn’t have A/C. Anyway, we only have a few days left here, like, not even a few, only two more nights then we hit the road for the coast. I’m gonna be so glad to be out of this party hostel. The weekend sucked. BUT it’s almost over.

Anyway I think tonight we are just gonna go hang by the beach after we rest for a while. We’ve been getting up early. Riki automatically wakes up at 6:30am every day and I end up waking up not long after she starts moving around. I was exhausted from our tour yesterday and had an amazing sleep but also this deep vivid dream that I can’t fucking remember.

Anyway yeah, still fun! FUCKING PENGUINS! BLUNDSTONES! JESUS!

I’m in AUSTRALIA!
So far it’s been nice, we’ve been going to Tilde Festival which is a Trans and Gender Non-Conforming Film Festival. It’s been awesome! We also went to the beach multiple times, rode a 100 year old wooden rollercoaster, saw a cockatoo being chased by some other birds, watched a jellyfish bloob around in a river, and five minutes after leaving the airport saw some kangaroos hanging out. Also I ate a kangaroo burger and we’ve spent lots of money on food because it’s pricey here. Tomorrow we go to Phillip Island to see some kangaroos, koalas, Tasmanian devils, and penguins. We actually did see one penguin by the pier, some people said it wasn’t but it was small and fat and looked like it was wearing a tux so I am pretty sure it was a penguin.
I still want to eat some oysters, we are gonna go to the UGG and Blundstone Outlet stores, there’s an old prison we want to tour because it’s creepy. I was in a haunted hotel having a pee and then we walked to Bourke street just a couple of hours before this guy did a terror attack there by running a ute filled with gas canisters into Target or something and then running around stabbing people. My Mom was like “You are getting close to danger I think you should come home!” but obviously I haven’t left. It’s getting fucking ridiculous my proximity to terror attacks and this is probably the closest I have gotten. To think if we hadn’t got tired and gone back to the hostel we could have still been there is so bizarre.
But like that time in London, no one here really cared about the attack. No one was doing hushed whispering or looking around with paranoid eyes. People just went on with their lives. Which is really all you can do.
It’s pretty amazing what the land and climate is like here. They have trees so unlike the ones we have back home. Like, just really fascinating land and flora and fauna. I feel pretty lucky to be here to see this place finally. I’ve wanted to come to Australia since I was a kid because it sounded like such a fantastical place. And it really is like, SO UNUSUAL. To my Canadian eyes anyway.
The festival is over now, we saw some good films. Tonight we saw Man Made which was about trans men bodybuilders and was so good! It covered a wide variety of life experiences of these men and didn’t just like, end with transitioning. Like it went into parenting and relationships and meeting birth moms and Black Lives Matter and homelessness and being trans and unable to access shelters, and top surgery, and lesbian partners and I really liked it. Some of the docs we had been seeing were like, trans 101 and I was disappointed by those, but this one was just really complex and lovely.
I’m sleepy. The flight here was so long. Two planes to get to Los Angeles and then a 15 hour flight from Los Angeles to Melbourne. SO LONG! We were taking ativan on the way here and basically passed out, but they kept putting food in our faces and we’d be like, all groggy trying to eat.
Anyway, I am having a good time. I’ve been trying to sleep in but we are staying in a hostel and if we wake up early enough we have the showers to ourselves. So yeah. The hostel life is not for me anymore. This one is a party hostel basically and all these youth from mostly Europe are like, drinking every night and being annoying and sitting in front of the front door drinking and smoking weed and being obnoxious. And running up the hall when we are trying to sleep. I’m glad we have a private room, small mercies. A larger dorm room would fucking SUCK! ALSO doors don’t lock from the inside, so every night after we pee before we go to sleep we stack our suitcases against the door to keep drunks from wandering in.
NOT ONLY THAT but we are the only butch dykes here for sure, and the only visibly queer people. So that’s always like a weird fucking situation to be in. But no one has said shitty things to us at the hostel, they are only interested in drinking and flirting and making pancakes and smoking. We are probably really invisible to them also, since we are older.
They walk on the opposite sides of everything compared to Canadians. Like we walk on the right and they walk on the left. They stand on the left on escalators. When we ask for cream for our coffee they ask “Do you mean milk?” They call an Americano a Long Black. Their paper money (actually plastic money) makes sense because smaller denominations are smaller and large denominations larger. but the 2 dollar coin is smaller than the 1 dollar which is way smaller than 50 cents.
Riki says their queer/trans community seems to have people who are very similar in appearance to people we know back in Toronto. Like there is a finite number of queers in the world that just repeat in different locations. She called it The Upside Down. Also the fashion here is not as hoity toity as queers in Toronto, which is kind of nice. It’s true, Toronto queers have some weird fashion thing going on that I don’t really mesh with being like, slob butch from Saskatchewan who dresses like an urban farmer.
Anyway there’s my blab for the day! It’s 11pm and I gotta sleep!

I’m trying to be cautious in what I write online, which kind of sucks. I mean it’s not like I have deep dark secrets I am currently harbouring or anything. It’s just that people like scaring me by reminding me how much of my life I talk about publicly. And it makes me wonder about my long thing about making personal things really public. I know there was a wave when people kept really personal blogs and I don’t know if that is still happening. And to be honest, I think maybe my concerns have changed since I started this blog. When I started I was living in Strathcona in Vancouver in a two room apartment filled with mice and eeking out some kind of post-psych ward existence struggling with addictions. And now I’m like, 40, and have eggs frozen to make a baby hopefully, and spend free time knitting sweaters for my dogs in my sometimes clean one bedroom apartment in downtown Toronto. I dunno I guess I don’t know what is so exciting about that. I kind of also don’t know what is so private about having frozen eggs and a knitting hobby. Like there are numerous women who have blogs about IVF. And knitting!

Anyway, I think it’s because I am still trying to date and get to know people and not scare them off by leaving this overshare blog where they think I’m gonna spill their secrets or something. And I guess part of me wants to keep some kind of mystery when really I just have like, everything laid out here.

BUT That isn’t always a bad thing. I’ve had some more professional writing gigs in recent times and in fact just got asked tonight to do another one based the writing I do here on my blog. Which always kind of surprises me. Cause it’s so much a personal blog and not really like, professional work.

I have Toronto Queer Film Festival coming up this week, on Thursday! Until Sunday! I’ve been involved for a couple of years now and I’m super pumped about this year’s festival because we put a lot of work into it and I think we are getting some good interest and the programming is really solid. And we’ve gotten some decent funding this year, and 45% of the films are by Indigenous directors which is pretty fucking amazing. I’m proud of that. I’m supposed to do intros and q and a’s for some of the screenings so be prepared to watch me be awkward on stage ha ha. Maybe I won’t be though. Sometimes I am fine.

Mom’s visit was good. A little crowded at the end, I have a very small apartment. But overall nice, and she helped me get a new Smart TV that has internet things like youtube and Netflix and Amazon Prime on it which is super sweet. And we saw so many good films at ImagineNATIVE, and people seemed to like my film. And I had some nice down time after she went home.

AND I bought a bowtie, which I struggled with because it’s not a clip on. I still haven’t figured out how to tie it. It’s fucking gorgeous. It’s also so fucking hard to tie and I don’t know why! There’s a loop somewhere I need to push a piece through and I can never find it. I’ve watched three YouTube tutorials and still have failed to get it together. I’m gonna try again in case I can wear it to the festival. Because that would be sweet. But yeah. I don’t know the length I need, I don’t know where the fucking loop is. Ha ha shit. I need a dapper gay man to show me, that’s really what I need. I always see them running around in bow ties and I dunno, I had never realized it was such a challenge ha ha. A skill! And I feel like as a butch I would be more handy and dapper if I knew how to tie a fucking bow tie!

ANYWAY….

I’m learning how to knit a sweater. It’s only the second thing different from a scarf that I have made. Scarves are so meditative to knit, so simple, just one big even chunk of fabric. BUT THIS omg. I had to measure Posey to fit it. And I had to learn how to knit in the round. I had to undo a few hours of work and start over when I realized it was different to do ribbing in the round than regular knitting. Anyway, now it looks better, even tho it’s still just at the beginning really. But it’s gonna look so cute on Posey. I think it will be her indoor sweater. Something for when the air conditioning is too much or there’s a draft in the winter. I still have to get through the chest increases and how to read this pattern. I hope it goes ok!

I’m flying to Melbourne next week, like not this week the week after, after TQFF. I’m going with my friend Riki and I’m so nervous! I’ve never been on such a long flight. On the other hand, I’m excited to get to Australia. I want to see some amazing things and animals. And then again I am scared of flying through the States, which I am doing. And THEN AGAIN I am legit going to Texas in February so I may as well suck it up and at least see what it’s like to fly through an American airport or two before going to the state with all the guns. I mean, the open carry people, not like I’m gonna be armed or anything wacky and creepy.

Yeah, it’s that thing again, where when Mom and I went to London we had to accept that there could be some emergency, and when we were there there was a failed terror attack. But again, I don’t want to let fear of current events keep me from living my life and doing my things.