I’ve managed to cobble some kind of decent living as a freelancer/self employed artist. Last week I had a gig from Monday to Friday doing video training with Indigenous youth from all over Ontario. It was sometimes fun and sometimes challenging and in the interests of being hired again I am not going to get into specifics. BUT I did get to fly a drone for the first time, which was so fucking fun. I didn’t fly it outside, just in this ballroom where we took the training. The instructor got us to fly in boxes with it and do take off and landing and then take a selfie. So because it was so damned cute, here is me with the drone taking a selfie of myself.

Ridiculously FUN!

Anyway, these youth got to take home video tech to their communities to make more videos, including a drone, 4K camera, lapel mics, Macbooks, editing software (the entire Adobe Suite), and iPhones. I mean holy shit those youth are so damned lucky. It’s good tho because none of them live in centres that have artist run production centres which is where I first got access to video making technology. I think more stuff needs to happen like that, just giving youth and others access to equipment to use anytime.

BUT I am a disabled pup, so it was kind of hard hours on me. We had breakfast at 8:30am and worked often until 6. And sometimes longer. And I managed to sustain it but fuck by the time Friday rolled around I was ready to go to bed and sleep for hours and hours. I usually work from home, so work comes in short bursts with breaks to snack and walk the dogs and even sometimes have a nap and an orgasm. But like I do work almost everyday otherwise. Just in a very specific almost lazy looking way. I’m always on my laptop, or else watching movies for work. It’s disability freelancing so I get my work done but it’s in a certain way. So usually these workshops aren’t as long. But this one was intense. And took a lot out of me. It’s okay I’ll be fine. It just confirmed for me again that I am not designed to do the Monday to Friday 9-5 thing. Like for a week, yes! But as a permanent job? Nay!

It’s funny because someone sent me a link to apply to Emily Carr to become an Indigenous faculty member. And like I didn’t even wonder if it was possible, I was just like NOPE! For one thing, the above mentioned reasons of having a disability. I just can’t have a full time job like that. And the other reason is I already HAVE a job which is being a full time artist. And I have all kinds of gigs and things that I don’t talk about here because some of it is secret stuff. But mostly I am busy and working. Once I was talking to a friend after I had just finished doing a weekend workshop that paid $3000. And she had a sessional gig that was paying her maybe 5-6 thousand for four months of intense work, WAY more work than it had been to do a weekend workshop for me. I’m not saying I didn’t work hard. I’m just saying proportionally I get paid more for doing these workshops and things than people get paid for doing these “legit” academic jobs. Which says something profound about the lack of respect and care these Institutions have for their contract employees. Like actually if I was a sessional I would be making less money than I am now.

So I’m not sure why people keep sending me jobs in universities. I know I have a masters degree and originally I had wanted to teach. But it’s not worth it right now to go down that route. Maybe in the future sessionals will be paid decently. But not right now, so they won’t get my labour.

ALSO just the fact that Emily Carr is in another city. I don’t want to move. Vancouver depresses me. And no one else was hiring me when I was there but call centres, so if I had to quit this teaching job I’d probably be back in a call centre trying to survive. And my career is better here for a bunch of reasons. BUT THE MAIN REASON I don’t plan to move is because I live in a co-op. I have rent geared to income, which is something not a lot of people have. It’s practically a luxury and it’s a nice co-op in a nice area close to downtown. I don’t have tons of space, but also it’s not like most of my income is getting sucked into rent right now. And I can apply for a bigger unit when I get a partner and family and stuff. So I really want to hang on to it. My portable air conditioner is not great and I might have to buy a new one. But that’s my only real complaint about this place. Which is not a big deal.

ALSO FUCK my eggs are here! ha ha omg. But it’s true! I have frozen eggs down at the fertility clinic and I don’t know how I would move those to Vancouver. It sounds like a hassle.

Okay so I updated my wordpress plugins to have Classic Editor installed so anyway, here I am again!

Well anyway, I was on some kind of cleaning kick the last few days. I was trying to do some woo woo stuff and harness lunar eclipse energy to bring a new love into my life. And I read a ritual that was all about like, working on the feng shui of your bedroom to make it more appealing. SO I did think about that but really I just realized my bedroom needed cleaning. It was such a fucking mess. It looked like a storage locker with a bed in it. Anyway piles of clothes got put away, things got washed, it is much better. It’s feeling like a good place to be in. I even put a plant in there and some crystals. And I can take selfies with the mirror and it doesn’t look trashed behind me ha ha.

Anyway yeah. Then I also cleaned my living room. And that took a long time because there were piles of things in each section. And anyway, now it’s better also and I am happy about it. Ha ha although there’s socks and blankets beside me on the couch.

I did old laundry, took out garbage and recycling. I have more recycling to get rid of. And I still have ants which is frustrating.

Anyway, it’s clean now and I feel more open to meeting someone new or getting to know someone better or whatever is gonna happen that brings love in. It’s funny because in the last post I just wrote I was talking about going back to Boxing and being dubious about it, BUT at the same time I know it’s a good place to meet people. I think I am shy because I’d be going on my own for the first time. And I haven’t worked out in so long. BUT YEAH it would be nice to meet someone or even just get out and socialize with people I don’t know while exercising.

Ha ha I just realized I never did do any ritual about love during the eclipse tho, I just cleaned my house and smudged it with sweetgrass. Which is fine and all. But funny.

What else? Ah heck I dunno. There ARE exciting things happening but none of them are public so you are just gonna have to make do with stories of cleaning. And thinking about exercising.

I might lift weights tonight and shadow box at home if I don’t go out. I need to do something but I’m scared because of my foot healing. And it takes months to heal completely. I know it’s BEEN months, like, so long. But I’m still terrified I’ll accidentally do footwork and smash my foot again. I didn’t even hurt it exercising, I was just walking down the stairs to go to the store and I stepped on something I didn’t see.

Anyway yeah.

AHHH ha ha shit. I always feel bad for people who come to this website looking for an official art website. And it IS an official art website. BUT ALSO this is a longstanding art project, this blog thing, and it weirds people out, and it probably looks unprofessional. Ha ha yeah and if I get hits on it from being linked by reputable art sites I’m gonna be like “BLAH BLAH BLAH I cleaned all week because I want a girlfriend” and people would be like whut?

ANyWAY yeah things are good. I’m trying to read more and watch more tv and films. I watched Broad City this morning because I finally signed up for Crave. Now I have Netflix, Crave, and Amazon Prime. I’m all set up! I think the last show I binged watched though was American Gods. I haven’t really gotten into something since then. I need to give more media a chance. It’s embarrassing because it’s literally my medium and I know colleagues always are really devoted to watching stuff even stuff that sucks because they are always learning. And I’m just like, reading memes on Facebook and laughing. ANYWAY yes I am trying. I am trying! I did read all those books at my Mom’s. And I am reading another one right now, Heart Berries. It’s a memoir, I like it so far. It’s the second memoir I’ve read recently and it makes me want to write about my life in a more formal way. Anyway yeah.

So I have been ordering button up shirts to update my wardrobe to a fancier place, where I can look good without wearing the same red shirt over and over. ANYWAY so far they all fit except the one I am wearing today. And it’s not my tits that are causing trouble, it’s my stomach, it’s just belt popping button gaping BIG! ARG!

It probably sounds dumb to want to exercise so I can lose weight and fit this ONE shirt. But I still DO want to lose weight and fit this shirt. I don’t know why it’s so hard to just BUY a new shirt. Ha ha anyway, I could only exercise tonight if I do go to boxing, because the rest of the week things are happening or I am out of town. I dunno. I had some food, I might still have the energy at 6 to work out. It would be the first time going since I broke my foot, months ago, and I am nervous about that. I’d probably skip the footwork.

What else? Little Mister is okay, but we are going to the ophthalmologist on Thursday morning to get his eyes looked at and find out what is going on. Most of his tests came back perfectly normal, no diabetes, no addison’s. He had higher cortisol so it still COULD be cushings but also he’s fine otherwise. He might be going blind in one eye though. And there could be many reasons for that, including brain stuff. So he’s gonna get checked out.

FUCK I hate this new text editor on WordPress. It puts something over top of my writing that makes it difficult to read and type. I need to find the plug in to make it go away.

So I’m back in Toronto. I had to do work days when I got back, and then I had to go to the dentist yesterday, and today was the vet. The vet visit is not quite done, she took blood and urine samples because she suspects he has an endocrine disease like diabetes, cushings, thyroid disease, or even kidney disease. I’m hoping its something that is manageable and treatable. He’s still a bouncy happy kind of guy, wags his tail a lot. I know he’s not suffering but I’m still feeling I’ll be saying a goodbye this year. I love him so much and he’s been a constant companion since I was 28. That’s a long time. Like 12 years with him, he’s 13 now. He’s seen me through some rough times and helped me survive. So whatever happens I want him to keep his dignity and be properly cared for.

He was so scared at the vet’s office today. He was shaking and panting. Awww my poor boy. He’s fine now that he’s home. Having a snooze, which is what I should do too because I feel so tired. I gave him some wet food when we got home so he could have a treat.

He’s over 18 pounds now! That’s so big! I thought maybe he was losing weight because he’s been on a diet the last month. But it could also be weight gain related to one of these diseases.

Anyway, that’s about all I have to say about him right now. They are gonna call me later with results and next steps. I should have a nap so I can listen properly.

I’m trying to get caught up on my work again. I owe two people video files, and they are being sent as I type. I am chatting with someone about making a video and I have some other video work coming my way, not to mention two videos I have grants to finish. One has a final report coming up soon, so I gotta ask for a five month extension. I’m trying to keep up with emails. I also ordered some really nice clothes from the UK and I am waiting for them to show up but the tracking ended at “Your parcel is leaving the UK” and when I try to continue tracking in Canada, Canada Post has no idea where it is.

I’m updating my wardrobe right now. I have a package of NICE SHIRTS waiting for me at my post office back home. I had to call for them to hang on to them for longer. I’m not going home until Friday, and then I go straight to a work thing so I can’t pick them up until Sunday. My dog is showing some worrying symptoms so he has a vet appointment in a week after we come home. I’m really missing home and I feel like my whole life is there now and I want to go back.

But yeah I am trying to dress better. I don’t know, I just feel like maybe 40 is too old to wear a t-shirt everyday of my life. Plus who knows I might get famous and I don’t want to wear the same wardrobe as fucking Mark Zuckerberg. Like yes I like bunnyhugs but also oh man don’t let that become my signature.

What else is up with me? I love my work. I am pretty happy with my life. I feel fortunate most of the time. I’ve worked hard to get where I am and I’m pleased with that. I feel self conscious sometimes of my success around people who are struggling. BUT ALSO there were many many many years where I was mostly struggling too and wasting my time in call centres because I couldn’t make a living in my field. So in a way I don’t feel so bad. I definitely paid my dues.

I guess mostly I am trying to just concentrate on doing the things that make me happy, like being involved with TQFF, and making my films, and writing here and there, and knitting new things, and reading good books, and all sorts of little random hobbies and routines that make me pretty content. I waver between wanting to run out and find a girlfriend and also just being happy being single right now and doing my own thing. I feel like being happy with myself and my life is really the important thing right now.

My Invisalign treatment is going awesome. I’m going to tray ten this Sunday after I get home. It’s made a big difference already. Sometimes my teeth hurt when I am chewing on things. But mostly it’s been fine, and I’m glad my mouth is changing.

New Clothes! Straight teeth! So exciting! And work is great, I’ll always be into it. I’m glad I’ve had something to work towards for 24 years.

I’ve been plotting and planning my resolutions for 2019 when someone asked me what my life motto was and I remembered an old resolution I had to accept my good and bad parts of myself. It came from something a psychic said to me about learning to love myself even with all my flaws and my positive attributes. And I remember from before getting sober I was working SO DAMNED HARD on self improvement. And yeah the non-sober ballyhoo I was involved with was holding me back. But I kept going trying to make myself into this perfect good person and really that’s not realistic for anyone.

My Mom used to always get pissed at me when I would be crabby or grumpy like it was a horrible flaw in my character. And I remember really recently while I was hanging out with my friend Riki, I kind of mentioned wishing I wasn’t irritable sometimes and she was like “But that’s just normal, you’re allowed to have your feelings.” And I was like woah that’s blowing my mind! Because anything I did in particular in relation to living with bipolar disorder was so discouraged and invalidated through much of my life. I wasn’t allowed to be irritable or angry even though I was never one of those people that like threw things across the room when I was angry and I never was violent or over the top. Anyway, I think learning to embrace those parts of me that are feeling legit feelings like anger or sadness is important this next year, and probably part of learning to accept all of myself.

I still have resolutions though, but they seem to be more about learning to enjoy life and set boundaries than making myself a “better human.” Like I am not making a resolution to go to boxing class, because I was gonna go back again anyway. I am making a resolution to stop dating fuckgirls though, because I’ve realized the last 10 years of my romantic life were really filled with a lot of people who kind of dicked me around and didn’t really regard me seriously as a romantic partner. Like they wanted to have sex and then dump me because the conquest was over. Or like to have romantic attention but not a real legit relationship because they were too cool for that, it’s been pretty boring really. And frustrating. And I just don’t have the energy to go through more of this shit, if someone wants a real relationship they have to be serious about me and not play games or be a fucker. And if I am single again for 2019 that’s fine, I’m just not into this polyamorous casual bullshit anymore. Like I need a fulltime partner who wants a family with me, and I’m not going to get that if I keep dating or chasing fuckgirls. Ha ha omg I sound so bitter and maybe I am. But that’s okay, I really just want to cut through the shit this year. And it’s hard dating now because it’s like getting into heavy stuff right off the bat about expectations for life and children. I’m hoping that will reduce the amount of women I’ll meet who want to play games with me.

Except for board games, I would play those with anyone.

I knit my dog a sweater this winter and it was a challenge and taught me new knitting techniques and I kept being intimidated by it and putting it down and leaving it but I finished it! And it looks good and it fits her perfectly and she and I are very happy with it. I noticed that when I am learning new knitting techniques I get overwhelmed and run away from it, and it’s kind of the same in my creative life. Like when I was working on my script and came to a heavy scene I’d open fb and dick around for a while. Anyway, I think I am going to keep knitting and even try other challenging things. I’m making mittens right now, I am working on the thumb of the first one and fucked up by knitting when I should have purled. But it’s all a learning process. And it’s okay to make mistakes.

I read three and a half books so far since I got to my Mom’s for the holidays. I am a terrible reader, I mean I can do it, it’s just that I focused so much on my fb addiction that I left reading literature by the wayside. And I’ve really enjoyed reading books. I like paperbacks. They are the best. I don’t really like reading a screen. I have no kobos or kindles and I don’t want any. Anyway I think I am going to keep up this reading books thing, because it’s good for me and because I know a lot of authors and I’m sheepish to admit I have a stack of their books with not a single spine cracked. Anyway yeah! Reading! Also when I have kids I want them to read books and love reading, and so I know if I want to do that I have to fix my bad screen habits.

I want to spend LESS time on facebook. In a way I have done that this year. I wrote a lot in my personal diary, I started another secret online journal, I’ve been googling things more, and I work a lot more. I might take the facebook app off my phone and leave Messenger on there. I really like the memes my friends share on facebook which is sometimes the only reason I go on there. And the events.

I’m going to start an ASL class again in the new year, but that’s not really a resolution so much as an activity.

I am going to practice my ukulele more. I kind of let that fall out of my schedule this fall, and I was really liking it before. I’m learning Jolene right now and it’s simple but also a damn good song and I can potentially sing along to it. I don’t really regard myself as a musician at the moment, but I know I love music because I always listen to it all day, and I feel like making music would be good for my soul. And it is, it’s nice to do these hand motions with an object and hear musical notes come out of it.

People keep telling me to do stand up comedy but I can’t think of anything I would be more bummed to do so no.

This year my personal ridiculous non-funded project is to write a book about my life. I’m not sure what to write about people who were awful to me. People get so angry with me about making art about them or blogging about what happened between us so I often don’t do it. But if I don’t write about people I have had issues with or even good times, then my life story is gonna look pretty boring because so much of life is about interacting with others. Like I GUESS I could write about sitting alone in my bedroom being stoned so much as a 20 something, but that’s like really boring. And honestly some of the things that have happened are funny or interesting. I guess I could give everyone fake names. That’s probably for the best for legal reasons anyway. AND ALSO fuck people who tell me I can’t write about my life. I deserve to talk about the things that have happened to me without needing to protect people beyond giving them fake names.

But yeah, this last couple of years I wrote nearly 1000 pages in my journal, and so this year I’d like to spend that time writing something that I could publish instead of cry over ha ha.

I think that’s about all my resolutions.

Beyond all of that, 2019 is going to be a really good year for me. I have some amazing things coming up. My psychic said this was going to be the year I meet my life partner so I hope she is right. She also said my dog Little Mister will probably pass on this year though, which is sad. And he started peeing a lot which could mean he is losing kidney function. He’s 13, he’s an old man. I just want to make sure he is comfortable and loved up to the end. So I guess really 2019 will be a mixed bag. He’s been with me for so long and I know it will be a huge hole in my heart when he goes.

It’s Christmas almost. I don’t have a lot of feelings about Christmas this year. It’s fine. We are gonna make some cookies. I feel like last year was such a quiet Christmas that I am probably gonna get overwhelmed with the family stuff this year.

Anyway, I’m almost done knitting my dog’s sweater. I’m not sure it’s long enough though. I wish I could try it on her. She might have her butt hanging out. BUT ALSO it’s just an indoors sweater for when she is chilly. I’ve learned new skills making it, like wrap and turns and short rows and knitting in the round with both double pointed and circular needles. So it’s good to have those skills, I could make socks now! I think I am gonna try and make mittens with thrums next. Or Newfie mittens. We’ll see. Perhaps just regular mittens.

I’ve got exciting work stuff coming up but it’s all secret right now so I can’t talk about it. I mean there are a few things happening. It’s pretty cool though and makes me look forward to 2019. I’m kind of bouncing up and down with anticipation when I think of it all and I am hoping it boosts my career.

I’m still single. Which is fine. I have been on four dates the last year and I have met new people and some are sort of friends and some just kind of faded back into the crowds of Toronto. I’m trying NOT to talk about dating but also dating is weird. I wish I could run background checks on everyone now because yeahhhhhh not everyone has the best of intentions.

I’m feeling better about my rule of not having sex on the first date though. It’s been keeping my ass out of trouble. I used to fuck like RIGHT AWAY because I had low self esteem and thought that would be the only way someone would want to hang around with me. Which is super depressing when I think of it. But now I’m kind of feeling that someone has to prove they have good intentions and are a good person. And that they recognize my worth, because some people just do not and they can go fuck off honestly.

Anyway, that’s probably the least interesting thing about my life right now.

I got a Toronto Art Council grant which is exciting! I’m going to make a short about this medicine bundle that was in my family which helped us survive colonization basically. So I am gonna be working on that. I also still have to shoot a video I got money for last year from the OAC.

I’m excited about life I guess. I’ve been doing a lot of knitting and reading here in Saskatoon. I read Vivek Shraya’s “I’m Afraid of Men” and now I am reading Lindsay Nixon’s “Nîtisânak.” I also have three other books I got to read. They are all pretty slim books so I feel like I can read them all the next few days.

It’s this thing where I’m like obviously a storytelling type of artist, but I don’t read enough, and I don’t watch enough films or television shows. I made a resolution once to watch more film and read more books, but I failed. BUT I am working on it! I CAN DO IT.

What I tend to consume is music, surprisingly. It’s hard being at my Mom’s house because she always has the tv on and it’s pretty boring, and at home I am always listening to music. And yeah I will get stuck on certain songs listening to them over and over. But it helps me work through feelings and ideas. Anyway, this last year I finally started seriously practicing my ukulele with our band, and it’s been nice to feel like I am engaging in making music. We are doing covers, but maybe someday we can do original songs.

I’m feeling good though. There are things I’ve done this year that have been good for me. I will probably write a more expansive look at the last year closer to new years.

I’m a tumblr user, but I only ever really reblogged memes and funny/political posts, while secretly looking at porn and not reblogging it. But yeah, I remember a little while ago logging on and searching my usual searches and being like, dude where’s my porn? Anyway, it’s gone! I knew there was something up before they made the announcement, because general smutty searches were turning up no hits. And then yeah, they said no nsfw posts anymore. Which is really disappointing even as a tumblr blogger who never really made my own cherished original nsfw content. So I can’t imagine what actual porn and nsfw content creators are feeling right now.

I remember when Yahoo bought tumblr everyone was like “uh oh” and they were like “Oh yeah no don’t worry we won’t ban porn/adult content/nudity.” Now Verizon owns it and Apple is being a bully and anyway, sucks.

And then FACEBOOK started getting weird also and put out that weird change in terms of service where you can’t talk about your sexual preferences etc.

It all makes me really glad to have my own blog where I can do embarrassing things like write a post about my transdick. And I think I’ve written maybe a couple other sex things in the past. Not much though, just because people say you should write what you know and no matter how much of a perv I am, I actually haven’t gotten laid that much in my life. So yeah, I never really felt like “I have a need to make porn.” But I appreciate people who do. AND obviously I’m into queer kink and that stuff is no longer Facebook friendly. So maybe I will try writing here more often or something.

I do own the domain to 2spiritdreamcatcher.com, so who knows, maybe I’ll turn it into an adult oriented social media/dating site. I mean that’s expecting a lot of me right now though. 

IN OTHER NEWS:

I’m heading home, to Saskatoon, to be with my family this Christmas. My Mom and sister Sky are there, along with a few cousins and Auntie and Uncles. In some regards I’m not ready to go home, I don’t want to be there for a whole month, which is what is gonna happen because of dogs. But in other respects, it might be good for me to get out of town and reconnect with my hometown. It’d be good to see old friends and be there long enough that we can really visit, instead of like a two hour coffee at Broadway Roastery and then I am off to do something else.

I’m going to miss some Toronto friends though. But my friend Riki just moved back to Saskatoon, so I can see her which will be nice. I’m gonna miss my Smart TV ha ha. I’m gonna miss my neighbourhood and all the cute corny Christmas things they do. I’ve spent the last two Christmases in Toronto, so finally going home again is like, hmm, I dunno.

I wish tumblr didn’t just trash all their porn blogs. That is disappointing. I know other people will take over. And not every goddamn site has to have an app on the App store for Apple to freak out about. Anyway yeah….

I feel like the world has gotten very antisex. It seems ridiculous that we are back to the handwringing about smutty art that we dealt with in the 80’s and 90’s. Like grow up already! 

Tanya Tagaq was getting attacked for her new album cover which has a fox with a giant erection on it, by Inuit people no less. I kind of dread that in my future. I know it has happened to me already, but just that kind of assumption that being Indigenous means as artists we can be censored by our communities for sexual/queer work. That’s messed up. That’s one of the reasons I am super leery of the fact that elders are sitting on arts board grant juries, and rules are being applied to Indigenous filmmakers about our community accountability that don’t get applied to white filmmakers. There’s something really worrisome about all of those things. 

I know Indigiqueer artists have been denied funding when we apply to specifically Indigenous pots of money. And it’s homophobia and transphobia doing that, and it comes from colonization.

Anyway, I have been remembering alot of the early days of the internet, when people were really defensive of free speech even when it was stuff we didn’t agree with. Like, yes, even racist shit. Because we knew on some level if you shut down one thing, it would shut down a whole bunch of other stuff. We fought for people to be able to post whatever. And yeah, there was a lot of awful stuff out there. But we knew it meant some really good marginalized stuff like queer and kink and sex stuff could exist. It was a delicate balance.

And yeah a bunch of nazi’s got deplatformed recently, and I can’t say I miss them. But also a bunch of sex workers got access to funds and sites shut down. And now queers and trans people. And it’s just gonna snowball. And I can kind of see some kind of resistance taking place. But to be honest, it’s not gonna take place as long as we are focusing energy on censoring other things like some dumb creepy Christmas song. Like, what happened to the other internet citizens who knew we had to keep Hick’s creepy gay nazi porn online so that other stuff wouldn’t get shut down? I don’t want to say it’s all or nothing, but it’s like Christmas lights, if one goes out then so will the whole string.

So it’s almost Christmas I guess. I’m heading home on Monday, HOME being Saskatoon. Which really isn’t home anymore, but I still call it that cause I lived there for three quarters of my life almost. So yeah that’s like… home.

I’m not really writing this to reflect on Saskatoon though. I’ve recently gotten back into wearing a packer. It’s interesting. I haven’t worn this thing since I lived in Saskatoon. It’s a medium sized Mr. Limpy from Fleshlight, but I keep calling it Mr. Linty since that’s all it collects. ALSO for Godssakes, the thing is so big. I can’t imagine what a LARGE Mr. Linty looks like. Probably way too big for my pants. This thing is almost too big now.

I’ve been wearing them just tucked in my underwear for ages. I mean before my years long break of not packing. And there’s always this moment when I’m taking down my underwear to have a pee when they kind of do a flop/roll onto the floor or down my pant leg or whatever.

They changed how WordPress does a text post and I can’t tell you how annoying it is right now.

ANYWAY….

I ordered two different packer pouches finally. Cause it was always on my mind to try one and see if it improves life. And the first one came today, it’s a Joey Pouch with eggplants on it, super cute. And it doesn’t come across as being particularly sexy or anything. But with my dick in there, and pinned to the right spot in my underwear, it actually looks good. For the first time I didn’t feel like I had to worry about it falling or slipping. And it looks like, normal, where it sits I mean. Cause it’s more natural, and before I would just guess at where a dick sits (I have very limited experience with real flesh dicks!) and also they would kind of slouch over to one side inevitably anyway like a passed out drunk. Like yeah, unruly dicks.

Anyway, this feels good. I wore it today when I went out to do a couple errands, went to the post office and a christmas store and the corner store. Feeling all the while like there’s some giant neon arrow pointing to my dick. But no one stared or said anything. Even though I id as fairly masculine, I still have a lot of feminine markers like wearing pink and having nail polish and having bright colours that are typically found in “women’s fashion.” Like I’m still wearing jeans and boots, but also I’m so obviously a girl. And it doesn’t bother me because a big part of me still id’s as a woman. Gender is so weird. Anyway, I was worried the dick would throw people off and make me even more obviously trans or some kind of pervert, all of which I AM but you know, I just want to pass through the world with my dick tucked away undisturbed by others. 

I’m going to be trying out another packer strap, it’s being sent to my Mom’s because I’m going there on Monday. So I will let you know how that goes.

I’m probably gonna take it off before I do the airport thing. I don’t want to deal with having an “anomaly.” I know I have some privilege being able to hide away some obviously genderqueer parts of myself without getting majorly dysphoric. But yeah….

It is really nice though to have a dick. I wore it for three days in a row (back when it was still acting like a wobbly drunk falling over all the time) and the fourth day I didn’t wear it and felt super weird, like part of me was missing. 

Packers are funny. I know it probably sounds weird to want a dick when it’s too limp to even do anything with anyway. I’d have to do a Superdyke dick change in a bathroom with a stiffer one and a harness before I could come back and fuck someone properly. But there’s still something nice about being able to squeeze something that feels like I really have a dick. 

I think so much of my gender just exists in my head. I try to express it but honestly it’s so complicated and fluid all of the time.

I don’t want a binder though. It’s like… I just like my breasts. I know everyone has their own relationship to their body, and everyone’s is valid. But I want to champion the idea of masculine breasts that aren’t necessarily flat or bound. I want bigger chests like mine to just be thought of as a variation on masculinity. I dunno, it’s complex. If I could walk around like a guy with my top off I would, but I don’t want to get surgery just so I can do that. In the meantime I’m just trying to wear more low cut things to show off my tattoo.

Mostly all this gender stuff is doing is to make me comfortable and hopefully express to the right person what kind of human I am and that I’m the one they want. I don’t know who that person is. I’m single but I’m not desperate. I’m sure at some point the pieces will fit and I’ll find someone who I would like to grope me and my packer.

I have a new packer coming! It’s called Pierre or something like that, it’s made by New York Toy Collective and it’s uncircumsized ha ha. I had to send the one I got in the mail today back (I accidentally ordered two) but it looks like a much more reasonable size than my GIGANTOR Mr. Linty.