His Ribs! OMG!

Little Mister’s Skeleton!

So this is what Little Mister looks like in an X-ray. The vet wanted to make sure he didn’t have pneumonia, so they checked him out. Lungs are clear! His rib bones are my favourite, so delicate! Look at him! OMG! He’s such a good boy they didn’t have to sedate him, so he was cheaper to xray than some other dogs that need sedation. There’s still no verdict as to what exactly is causing his coughs. Of course today I haven’t heard him cough at all. Maybe he will be fine? The vet said “He’s not going to die tomorrow!” So that’s good. He’s getting bloodwork done which will let us know more what is going on with him.

I need to make more money to pay for him. I mean, some more money is coming my way but I also owe other people. My friend suggested this employment placement place. I am looking into it. You can tell them what sort of work you want, like I would rather work part time because of other things going on with me. So we’ll see.

Plus this surgery was holding me back in looking for work, because I didn’t want to beg for time off to heal so I didn’t really look for work the last couple of months. But my healing is done, so I feel more equipped to work. BUT ALSO I have applied for disability, and I don’t want a full time job because I don’t know if I could handle it. You can work part time and be on disability, which is part of the appeal.

Speaking of appeals, I put in another appeal to disability. I have heard it often takes until you appeal to the tribunal to get accepted into the program. It’s so ridiculous because I was on disability in Saskatchewan and I don’t see why different provinces can’t listen to each other.

Mom’s coming on Christmas Day! I’ve got to get us a humane chicken for dinner. Or organic or whatever. There’s a good butcher shop in Kensington Market I might go to, but also I think there’s a butchershop up the street by Timmies. She keeps saying she wants us to go to a hotel or something for dinner, but I kind of want to cook at home.

OH and now Little Mister is coughing. Just the once tho.

Maybe I am just being super anxious about him and he is fine though.

He was so cute when I picked him up from the vet. She brought him out on his leash and he was just walking around wagging his tail. He tried to go into the last room he saw me in but I was down the hall so I called him and he came and jumped up on my legs. Awww that lil guy! It’s weird cause he’s 11 now. Besides my sister’s 18 year old cat, he’s the only pet I’ve had this long. It’s kind of amazing, he has been with me through the last 1.5 years of my 20s and most of my 30’s. Like, I’ve had him for half of my adult life. I don’t want this Little Mister Era to end. So when he gets sick I get so worried. But he still seems to have some years in him.

Tomorrow my friend Riki and I are going to try and get PJ Harvey tickets for next April. I was super into her in 2007 when I had my last major manic episode, I was listening to Stories From the City Stories from the Sea all the time. And now she’s playing in Toronto on the 10th anniversary of that manic episode. So it seems like I should go. I mean, it might mean the end of a cycle or something. Like a completion of something. Plus I’ve stayed up to date on her work and I liked most of Hope Six Demolition Project. That Medicinals song is pretty fun in a witchy way. Oh except the end is a downer.

Fisting is back on the menu and still no one cares!

It’s been over ten days since my surgery! I can have penetrative sex again! Roll out the dildos!

Ha ha, but still there’s no prospects, so whatever.

My healing went well, it’s been 3 days at least with no more oxycodone. And it’s been fine, better even. I was getting so constipated and unhappy on that medication, and it was painful and distressing, so now things are back to normal. Some of my incisions are still a little tender. But not bad. I don’t have any pain really. I visited a piercing place the other day and got my hood piercing put back in, so that was nice, because the retainer was irritating me. I’m able to clean on my own and have baths and carry Little Mister up and down the stairs and take out my own garbage, and tomorrow I am gonna do some laundry on my own.

There was one day I felt a few sharp pains from my ovary, and I wasn’t sure if it was ovulating or doing something related to healing. I was getting pains from that cyst almost every day near the end, so it’s been really nice NOT having cyst related pains. But the ovarian pain was a little odd, because it happened in the middle of my healing. But I do usually feel when I ovulate, so that really could be what it was.

I’m waiting to hear about some stuff, so that’s a little bit exciting. I am going to be getting some funding news in the next couple of months, which is something to look forward to. I also am still eligible to apply for another OAC grant, so I think I may do that next year.

The dogs are okay. Little Mister started coughing again today though, which SUCKS Because he might need MORE expensive antibiotics. I’m going to call the vet tomorrow and inquire. He’s mostly a happy guy, but I’ll be damned if something as ridiculous as kennel cough takes him from me. He’s like, a healthy little boy, who still has some years in him.

On the love front, well fuck. I’m back in an unrequited situation and it SUCKS and I am so tired of this happening and I have to figure out how to deal with these feelings on my own. Especially since I like being friends with this woman and don’t want my ridiculous feelings to interfere with a good friendship. And I already KNOW it’s not gonna happen. Like, at all, ever ever. So I guess my strategy is just to keep getting out there and meeting women and hopefully someday I’ll have a date again. I got off dating websites and apps because they were humiliating and no one would ever message me back. And sometimes people messaged me and I wouldn’t message them back either because I wasn’t into it. Anyway, I decided online dating was the worst possible thing for me. I can make a bunch of short videos that people seem to appreciate, I can talk in front of hundreds of people about personal work, I can run a blog for twelve consecutive years that has some kind of audience, but for whatever reason I can’t catch a date on OKCupid or Tinder. I must be really unphotogenic or something. Or maybe they are all racist. Or maybe I just come across as awkward. Ugh. And I AM awkward. And I don’t make great first impressions because I am super shy/introverted. Especially in group situations where I don’t know most of the people.

I can talk in front of university classes though.

So weird. I probably overshare on OKC or something. I just want potential dates to be informed so I don’t find out some one has a hatred for whatever thing about me I have no control over like race or mental health status.

BUT I did make a committment to myself that I was going to meet people in person from going to places. Like meet them just living my life out in the world. And I did have like, four crushes this past year. On women I met in real life. They didn’t GO anywhere, but still! That’s something. A crush for every season!

But healing from surgery has kept me from meeting anyone, except the butch lady at the hardware store who winked at me when I bought my Christmas lights. She wasn’t as interested when I bought my mop a few days later tho.

Recovery films and television and snacks

It’s been a boring few days, but my friends helped me out with some dog walking and house chores and groceries and things. Today I was all on my own, so I watched a bunch of movies on the AMC channel and finished watching Transparent season 3. I skipped my night dose of this painkiller last night and it was fine, I was a bit sore and achey when I woke up this morning, but then I took some meds and it was okay. I’m just trying to slowly taper off them so I don’t get addicted because that would be a pain in the ass. Plus if I only take two a day I only have four more days left. So I’m really trying to stretch it out.

I had more energy, until about 4pm then I just felt WIPED and took a nap. Recovering is very boring.

Today I saw Goonies and Tremors. And played with the dogs. Little Mister is being super adorable today. Right now he’s sleeping, but he’s been asking for cuddles and kisses all day. Posey is also snuggled up to me these days.

My friend Marty gave me a tarot reading and it was really good, among all the things it said, it mentioned I was looking for a top, and that people saw me as being like, someone who was good at getting grants and having a career. Of course it didn’t say I would get in a relationship, but that’s probably also the fault of the way I asked the question because it was about a specific crush and not my love life in general.

My surgical strips fell off today, and I got to look at my incisions. They seem to be glued shut. They are very small, even the one in my bellybutton is tiny. Anyway, they are healing well, a little itchy but not too bad. I’ve been eating well and mostly resting. I did do two bureaucratic things today, but it was just putting some stuff in the mail, so it wasn’t AWFUL! Not like, standing in line somewhere.

I’ve got linty strips where the gauzey bandages were stuck to me, and those are kind of annoying in an aesthetic way. I don’t feel like I should be applying a lot of friction to that area to get it off tho. I briefly considering wiping my tummy with goo gone, but that’s probably a terrible idea.

All kinds of things have been going on in my guts. The co2 that was in there was making me so gassy, and then I was constipated from the pain meds so I felt nauseated a couple days. Everybody has advice and some is better than others. But mostly I just need help with my dogs, because Little Mister weighs 15 pounds and has to be carried up and down the stairs. Also I needed help with laundry on the weekend, which Marty helped with. I’ve just got ten days altogether to be careful, and 14 days to be back to normal. So it’s coming along. Although it’s really only been four days still.

Not even halfway there!

The painkillers I am on are pretty serious, so I’m trying to use good judgement in taking them. I think doing two a day instead of three right now is better. I’m hoping maybe tomorrow or the day after I can go down to one in the morning.

I remember when I was in concurrent disorders group these people who had been addicted to painkillers would do a lot of handwringing about upcoming dental surgeries and stuff where they would be faced with taking painkillers again. And I never really thought much of it, like if you’re in pain why not take them? But now everyone’s freaking out about how addictive these meds I am on are and stuff and it’s like, holy shit! I just got surgery! I am literally just taking them for pain. Like, no way would I be doing this for fun, they make me constipated and groggy and that is about it. I mean, also they get rid of my pain, which is the main point. But I’m not like, having a good time over here. Of course I wasn’t smoking weed to have a good time in the end either.

So I guess if I had been prescribed medical marijuana to deal with this surgery, I would probably also be doing a lot of handwringing and trying to find alternatives or just living with pain.

The main thing besides being constipated and groggy is I hate that these meds make me feel sort of like, half stupid. Like my brain just isn’t working at it’s optimum. It’s not good for creativity.

On the other hand, it IS good for sitting back and watching tv and movies and eating snacks. Which is basically all anyone who is recovering from surgery should do.

Surgery!

I had surgery yesterday to remove an ovarian cyst. It was big. They used lasers. I had day surgery so I didn’t have to stay overnight, thank god! I just had to recover and have a pee. I have three gauzey bandages on my abdomen, and meds that make me sleepy and constipated. They also gave me a med for the constipation. Ha ha all things you don’t really need to know!

I’m sore, but not as sore as I was after gallbladder surgery. I think the racism in Saskatchewan kept me from getting appropriate pain management, because the pain I have felt this go around is WAY easier to bear. Like I didn’t wake up moaning from pain in the hospital, I woke up feeling quite pleasant actually, if super drugged. And it’s sort of continued since then, taking these meds appropriately and feeling a little weird but not fucked up. Even the bumpy drive home wasn’t so bad.

Although I am a little bit silly.

From the drugs I mean.

And sleepy.

Coughing kind of hurts tho!

I can’t take off the gauze for 48 hours (another 26 now I guess!) and then I can only shower for ten days until I take my steristrips off. Or they can fall off, whichever. It looks like he used my bellybutton, which is good because that’s where my gallbladder scar was.

Something funny about that scar is it’s big and pink and I remember looking at it once and thinking “I will never be in porn now, no one wants to look at a body that has been cut open at some point.” It was sad and funny, in particular because I never really ever considered a career in porn.

Cuthand Gets Cut Open in NINE Days!

Ha ha. I had my pre-op appointment today at Sunnybrook so that I could find out about my surgery next week, get my abdomen prodded by the gynaecologist, and provide a blood sample for whatever they are curious about. It sounds like a straightforward surgery, it’s day surgery and hopefully I will only be there for about four and a half hours all together. Maybe six. I have to be at the hospital two hours before my surgery. And the anesthesiologist is going to call me and do a interview about stuff they have to know. I’m getting it done laparoscopically, so my recovery should be short. I can have sex ten days after my surgery! 😀 Exciting! Ha ha like that’s gonna happen. Just start up my OKC profile again while laying in bed with stitches in my guts.

I’m sure it will be fine. Worst case scenario is they find precancerous or cancerous cells and have to go back in and take out my uterus, fallopian tubes, and both ovaries, AND some kind of tissue. Like fat tissue or something? I don’t remember. But it’s unlikely that will happen.

The Dr. is going to try to save my ovary, and if he can’t I will still have the other ovary so I will still get hormones. Yay for hormones! 😀

It’s been acting up a bit, this cyst that is getting removed. It causes a sharp pain now and then, and I am terrified if the glorious chance to get fisted by a hottie ever came up, it would cause this thing to burst. So of course fisting is temporarily off the menu. But no one is looking at the menu anyway.

I get to sleep in tomorrow! 😀 I had to get up early yesterday and today.

Oh geez! I haven’t even talked about my trip to Montreal yet!

I spent the weekend in Montreal at my friend Robin’s from Friday to Monday! I talked on a roundtable at the conference (Angela Davis was apparently also at the conference but I didn’t see her!). And I went for poutine and a walk and a coffee with Irene and over to Shavonne’s where we visited and then walked to a queer karaoke night at Notre Dame de Quilles. But aside from those short outings, I was mostly visiting Robin and having long conversations with her and it was so great. We talked about serious things and funny things and spiritual things and shocking things and things we both got mad about (not mad at each other, just mutual outrage at other people!). The first day I got there Robin was wearing these AMAZING pyjamas! I wish I had gotten a picture of her, they were pretty spectacular!

And Robin and I gave each other lots of deep heartfelt happy hugs and it was SO NICE and I realized I haven’t had anything close to cuddles in a long time. Like yeah I hug all my friends hello and goodbye, but this was like, really sweet.

I haven’t seen Robin since 2013 or something. Maybe 2012?? A long ass time anyway. It was so nice being able to be around her. We have these long phone calls once a month or so, so we are pretty close. One funny thing is being my best friend obviously she is kept in the loop about all my crushes and exes over the years, so we were looking at some of them on Facebook and she was guessing their Myers Briggs type. I have to say I think she probably got them right, I was giving brief rundowns of their personalities and quirks so it wasn’t just based on profile pictures. Also basically they all seem to be ENFP’s.

But one important thing was, of course, my issues with Montreal because it’s where I had a traumatic hospital stay. I actually didn’t end up going to any of the places I had lived or been around. I was on Saint Laurent one night, but it was way out of the way of where I used to walk. Robin and I walked close to where we used to work on my way back to the bus going to Toronto, but that was all. It was nice to be in new places because I wasn’t triggered. And I think probably even if I did go to old places, they have changed a lot since then. So I felt a lot better about being there. And I think because I was so close to the few people I did see, it was really healing.

I think I want to go back. I don’t want to try and live there again still, but I think I should visit more, especially because seeing Robin was so good.

Shit Hits the Fan

Well. I’m not exactly sure what to write, but obviously I have to address that Donald Trump won the fucking American election and his followers are terrorizing anyone who’s not a straight white cis man. But Jesus, I don’t really have a lot of great advice. To be honest, I didn’t think it would come to this. He is so clearly inept, cannot string together a coherent sentence, never held political office before, and has gone bankrupt multiple times. I’m poor and in a lot of student loan debt, but I’ve never gone bankrupt. No shame to those who have. But he’s done it multiple times. He doesn’t pay contractors. He built his base on racism, homophobia, sexism, Islamophobia, transphobia. Hillary said his base was made up of deplorables and then the media shamed her and she had to walk it back, but it’s true! There are Donald Trump supporters on twitter gloating about how now they are going to sexually assault women because it’s okay!

So it’s been a real rollercoaster of emotions for everyone. In particular people who are not straight white cis males. I don’t have a lot of spoons for dealing with this. The morning after the election I managed to get to a talk I had to do at U of T, and aside from that I’ve really just been sitting around on my ass at home reading horrifying articles, posting snarky gifs, and avoiding life.

But today I kind of pulled myself together, went out into the world and got something to eat and some stuff for the dogs. Tomorrow I am going to Montreal for the NWSA conference where I am speaking about Indigenous feminist masculinities. I feel a little unprepared, I need to do some printing tonight. I’m gonna see my friend Robin tomorrow for the first time since 2012 or something, and she’s like, my best friend, so I am excited to see her. I’m gonna be there until Monday.

Little Mister has been getting ANOTHER round of antibiotics, because he still has a cough. He has good and bad days, but I think he’s going to stay alive while I am gone for the weekend, so I am not too worried. He has a dog sitter who used to be a veterinary assistant. Posey coughed once two days ago and never again, so I think she did get what he has and fought it off.

It’s really hot in here, I had the heater on but it wasn’t necessary. The weather has been odd in Toronto. It’s Remembrance Day tomorrow and still snow hasn’t fallen.

I’m trying to practice crush etiquette by pretending I am not super into this woman and it’s kind of ridiculous and I feel so phoney trying to be cool and ending up looking awkward and silly. Maybe I’ll meet someone else in Montreal who actually wants me to be awkward and ridiculous. Because this being cool thing is not working. Maybe (probably) she is just not into me and I should give up. AHHHHHHHH fuck I hate everything.

And then I was in a good mood today, and making jokes, and feeling kind of cool, but then I’m like “But Thirza, the world is going to hell and the deplorables have won and jesus even Leonard Cohen died today, you should feel AWFUL! Shame shame!” And I did feel awful, yesterday. But I feel better today. So I was all wondering “Am I going Manic? OMG! Am I going to start writing 30 emails a day again? Am I going to try and overthrow the American government or something in a psychosis?”

But you know, I think there’s a reason I’m in a good mood. I think it’s because the people appalled at the new President-Elect and what he has already done to the USA and the world are ANGRY, and in anger there is power. I really do feel like there is a rumbling momentum of the non-deplorables who could keep each other safer. Not SAFE, just, maybe we can look out for each other. Maybe we can unite and build alternate societies.

There was an attempted rape at the Oceti Sakowin Camp (Sioux pipeline protestors) and the leaders held a kind of trial and banished the perpetrator and walked him out of camp while yelling his name and what he did, and then handed him to the women who cut off his braids, and then sent him down the road where some officers were going to pick him up and deal with him. It was such a simple, elegant, traditional way of dealing with sexual assault. I actually found it really inspiring, taking justice into our own hands and not tolerating shit like that.

Can that kind of action happen elsewhere?

Mom Visit almost Over!

Mom has been staying with me since Oct 18th! It’s been fun, we did ImagineNATIVE which was SUPER intense, one day I saw four programs and she saw three. Altogether we watched about ten programs, including 3 or 4 shorts programs. Maybe just 3. There was some really good work this year.

Little Mister just had his last antibiotic. He hasn’t coughed in a while, which is good.

I was interviewed by Vice during ImagineNATIVE which was cool and it showed on their website and they might air it. Actually tonight I ran into the producer at Moonlight (which was an amazing film).

What else? My bureaucratic nightmare turned out fine. I’m looking for a dog sitter, is my only current stress, because I am going to a conference next month.

I have a big crush on someone and I was trying to ignore it but I think maybe it’s okay to just have a crush and whatever maybe something will develop and maybe not. I felt super awkward trying to communicate with her and even one time we were having an FB chat and it started out fine and then I really wanted to hit on her, BUT I GOT TERRIFIED and was like “Okay talk to you later!” even tho I didn’t have anything else to do at that moment. It’s kind of gotten to the point where I have to just cough up that I like them, because it’s the elephant in the chat window, I think she might know. But it’s this big feeling that is getting in the way because it’s just kind of the next thing I should say to her, even though it’s like, early days. I need to set the tone! AHHHHHH shit I am so bad at this.

Even tonight, the producer of Vice said something to me and I didn’t know if it was like “we should hang out” or just something like “nice seeing you here” because my hearing can be shitty when there is background noise (one of the reasons I don’t like going to loud bars) and so I don’t know if she wants to be friends or is just like “See you around.” And this encapsulates my whole terrible awkwardness even with making friends.

Then with crushes, the stakes get raised because potential lovers (for me anyway) involve an emotional investment and it’s scary and so I’m like, doing alright, then freak out and say “Okay talk to you later!” Ahhh shitty. Ha ha ha.

This used to be easier with alcohol, I hate to say it but it’s true. I haven’t had a lover while I’ve been sober, and it’s weird, and I have told women I like them, but nothing happens. And there was one moment a while back where I WOULD have normally just made a move, had I been drunk or tipsy. But now I am sober and not wanting to cross lines and swallowing back words and changing the subject. It’s very strange.

I guess I have to relearn how to be brave and ask women on ACTUAL dates, not just “hanging out.” I got rid of my OKC profile a couple months ago. I decided meeting women in real life was better. But I haven’t had an actual REAL date in a long time. Just hang outs that are usually platonic. And that’s fine too, but making out with someone would be nice. Forming an intimate bond would be nice.

Anyway, that doesn’t matter right now, because Mom is staying with me until Tuesday so it’s all Mom time until then. Tomorrow I work for five hours, and again on Monday, but that’s my only responsibility. I should go to bed. I’m letting myself be up late because it’s Friday night, but actually now my night meds are kicking in and sleep seems like a really good idea.

Kennel Cough and Antideps

So I finally clued in that Little Mister, my long haired dachshund, wasn’t just randomly clearing his throat then gagging up nothing. He’s been coughing. And when I looked it up, it sounded a lot like kennel cough, which was confirmed when I took him to the vet today. They said he was contagious and made sure he wasn’t in the common area for very long. He’s got antibiotics. The funny thing is today he hasn’t coughed once. I don’t know if he just finally got over it, or if the antibiotics are working already. But he’s in high spirits, we went for a walk with Posey and he had a good time. I’m so glad I had the cash to take him in. Being dead broke with a sick dog is the worst.

It’s actually been a good day for my own health too. I faced my anxiety about a bureaucratic thing and made a phone call, and it wasn’t so bad. I had enough energy to clean the house, and not just a shallow clean but a SERIOUS thorough cleaning. Like wiping underneath things in the kitchen and throwing out and recycling and all kinds of stuff I haven’t had the spoons to manage. I swept the stairway finally! So much dirt! I cleared piles of things. I did the basic stuff too, like sweeping and washing floors. But it’s finally such a nice space to be in.

I just have a pile of laundry to sort and the basic bathroom cleaning left to do. And if I can clean the fridge out tomorrow too it would be perfection. I’m pretty happy about it. I didn’t know where this energy was coming from, because for so long I’ve only been at about a 6 out of 10 in energy levels. Now I would say I’m at a 8. BUT not manic energy, which would be anywhere from 11 – 20 and way too much. But then I realized it’s been about 5 weeks of upped antidepressant. And I kind of felt it was making a difference, but today really felt a lot better compared to five weeks ago. The anxiety is way more manageable and not so crippling, and although I don’t feel like a giant smiley face rolling down the street, I do feel more clear and content. And things are more enjoyable. Like I am super getting into my music again, which was kind of all blah and grey for a while there. Not making music, just listening to it.

I feel like I can let things go easier. Not like, serious things, like not paying bills or rent or shit like that that would just cause trouble. More like being slighted by people or having crushes that are just useless cause the other person isn’t into it or even just regular rejection that comes along with being an artist who has to submit to things or compete or whatever and not always “winning” or being selected. My FOMO is a lot less. I’m happy being alone with my animals at home. It’s pretty good. It’s not like I DON’T care either though, which is also a not great thing.

Anyway, Mom comes tomorrow to spend two weeks with me. It’s gonna be interesting to see how that goes. We’re doing ImagineNATIVE and then at the end of the month, the Art Fair, and in between some hanging out and eating cool stuff I guess. I think we might go to the Farm. Pupwalks. She’s bringing her beading so she’ll be doing that. I have a talk in a class to do next week and also a few shifts at the Edition Fair at the end of the month. But aside from that it’s hanging out with Mom and trying to squeeze in writing.

If I still drank, it would be champagne! But I don’t drink so never mind.

So I guess now that I have signed this co-development agreement to see if this production company and I can get funding for development on my feature, I can finally say it’s official and the ink is dry and the application to Telefilm is in and we’ll find out in 6-8 weeks if we get some development money. I really hope so. It’s an exciting project. It’s the first round of development if it works out so there’s an amazing story editor who I will get to work with to do another draft of my script. And it pays. Which will give me some breathing room to just concentrate on my work.

It’s all very exciting. I’ve been doing meetings and stuff for a while working on this, and I’ve been so shy about talking about it because I don’t want to jinx it. But I have a good feeling about it. There’s so much more about this I could talk about, but I like to keep a bit of mystery. Which probably sounds funny since this blog exists and I blab about lots on Facebook. But I’ve been trying to be quiet about this, but anyway if you were reading mentions of this exciting secret thing, this is it! I’m still amazed to be heading in this direction, because I’ve wanted to make a feature for SO LONG and it was just never working out or the right time or whatever. But I think this project has some legs. And I feel like the people I am working with are very professional and will be really helpful getting this off the ground.

So, if I was a drinking woman I guess I would have cracked open the champagne already, but I am not a drinker anymore, so I think I’m just going to go out to dinner with my mom next week and have a little celebration. Maybe go to Banjera, I like that restaurant but it’s pricey and far.

I’ve been getting some media requests about my video game, so that’s been fun. I sent some answers to questions to CBC the other day and talked to Vice the other day, we’ll see if they shoot the interview next week.

I’ve been alright otherwise. This whole last week was doing a lot of arts admin work, which isn’t super fun but also is pretty necessary. I’m hoping to get my last chunk of admin stuff done tonight so I can do some writing tomorrow and Monday. Tuesday Mom comes to stay with me for two weeks, so it’s gonna be a full little apartment. Two people and two dogs in one one bedroom! And next week is ImagineNATIVE, so I am gonna go to a lot of films with Mom and see people and talk about my video game. I’m excited.

This weekend is mostly about getting ready for Mom’s visit. I did all my dishes yesterday, but I gotta keep on top of them. The apartment is fairly clean because a friend came over yesterday, but I need to wash the floors.

OMG I also learned I am the worst at consoling someone. Someone I know had a break up recently and were sad that they were single again and without even thinking I’m all “Yeah being single is the worst.” OMFG so terrible! I can’t believe I even said that! But it does suck. BUT that’s just because I’ve been single for nearly a decade, even tho I had flings and things along the way. Like I kind of lost count of how many women I’ve been “hanging out” with over the years, even with sleepovers and kisses and sometimes sex stuff, but an actual RELATIONSHIP? No. No reason to change my Facebook status to “In a relationship.” Not even “It’s complicated.” In fact some of my secret sexy times have been with people who are super private so it just never was common knowledge. Which sucks. I would love to openly be like “I’m in love y’all!” but most of my falling in love just never worked out. And then there was all that crush recycling that was happening for a while. Which is a bad idea, I will admit.

Anyway, being single does suck. But it’s okay, I mean, just in that if someone really wants to be with me they should make an effort. I’m tired of making moves that go nowhere. And I don’t want to pursue someone who’s aloof and makes me feel like they don’t really care. Fuck that.

Ha ha this is supposed to be about my awesome career news but now I’m just blabbing about non-relationships. Enough of that. Being single is just a thing. I’m still having orgasms so whatever. Ha ha not that relationships are only about that. I know they are way more involved than sex. Someday! Ha ha ha.

I’m having surgery in a few weeks. It’s a little bit nervewracking. Mostly I’m sad that it’s gonna be hard for me to work for a little bit. I think it’s like, three weeks until everything heals usually. We’ll see. I do most of my work sitting at my computer though, so that’s not too bad.

Video Game Finished! Sorta . . .

So my video game is done! There’s just one thing I couldn’t figure out but after four hours of rewriting code over and over I was just like “FUCK IT!” and let it do this other thing which is also fine I guess. Also I want to continue working on it and making more levels, but that’s gonna wait until next year when/if I get my grant.

I’m proud of it I guess! It’s a first time game, it’s very simple, it’s sort of fun, I think it has a message. It’s going to be showing at ImagineNATIVE and again in November at Rendezvous With Madness. So that’s awesome. I’m looking forward to people interacting with it.

I have big plans for it if I can keep working on it!

I am sleepy. I got up at 10:30 this morning, which is early for me. I did some tidying and washed the floor. I have only a few dirty dishes but I might wash them because I’ve got a bad habit of leaving dishes until they are smelling up my kitchen.

I never really thought I would be one of those people who clean the whole apartment once a week. I used to be so much more of a slob. But it’s nice, this keeping clean thing. Before I only kept the house clean when I had girlfriends who came over cause a dirty apartment isn’t sexy. But now I just clean because it makes me happy. I guess the living in filth thing was also strongly tied to having concurrent disorders. So now that they aren’t controlling my life the way they used to, I’m able to be WAAAAAAAY more functional.

I want to keep cleaning. So I should probably just woman up and go do that. I like writing here though. My garbage and recycling got taken out today! And I actually got some shitty junk out from under the entertainment unit. That was awesome.

Oh geez I wonder where my degree is? Did I put it up somewhere? Fuck I should really get that framed and hung up, but I have no money for such extravagances. I didn’t frame my Emily Carr degree either because it was this shitty looking thing, and since then I think it got wrecked. I need to order another one. Maybe this one will be decent looking.

Okay, enough sitting around, back to work!