It turned out my cyst was benign, no precancerous or abnormal cells. Nothing to worry about, and I don’t have to be so anxious about my future. So that was a relief, I celebrated with a Cinnabon.

My GP wanted to see me because ODSP got in touch with her because they said I said I was suicidal, and then I had to explain I meant in the past because yeah, anyone with Bipolar is going to have dealt with suicidal thoughts. It’s just part of a mood disorder. And then I talked to her about ADHD and she thought it was my Bipolar except the issues I brought up were continuous and Bipolar is really a cyclical thing. BUT she agreed to refer me back to my psychiatrist to get assessed, so in February I am heading back to him to see what he has to say about it. I’m nervous because I know if I don’t get medicated for it properly I could go manic, and if I don’t get medicated AT ALL I will not quite meet my potential because of executive functioning deficits.

I’m waiting to hear from Canada Council about my grant for my video game. It would carry me through 7 months of living, more if I am super careful with my funds. PLUS it would help me realize my vision for this game. And I would like to release it as a full cool experience that hopefully sheds light on bipolar.

The dogs are fine, but I am looking forward to when I have some money again and can take them to the vet for their shots and check ups. Posey is overdue. Well, they both are. And Little Mister is getting shaggy again and needs a trim.

I am generally excited about life right now. Which is funny, because this last Monday was BRUTAL in terms of my emotions. I was SO SAD. Which wasn’t totally a shocker, cause it was Blue Monday. OH YEAH and also ODSP turned me down again. So now I have to go to a tribunal. But I don’t know if I should because if some funding works out I might not have to worry for a long while. It’s a pickle! Like, can I apply again in the future? I dunno, I am confused. I guess I should call my case worker.

I’ve been working on stuff a lot these days, which is making me feel productive. I have a few secrets at the moment, which is kind of fun. Good secrets not tragic ones. I didn’t stay off Facebook between 9-5 this week yet, BUT I have been a lot more careful about when I go on, like only for five minute breaks at a time, or leaving again when something pisses me off or stresses me out. It’s really hard to leave it completely. But I’m breaking it’s hold on me I think. I do think the abstaining during work hours is a good habit to get into though, so I’m going to try and stick to it a bit more. Maybe tomorrow I will wait until 5pm to get online again.

I’m trying to figure out what to do about my weird non-existent love life, and I think maybe I should just NOT go looking for crushes OR recycling old crushes because I am lonely. I am just wondering if I should concentrate on doing my work and just let whatever happens happen. I mean I do have a lot of stuff to do and my career is really fun and interesting to me. And if I can get paid for it for a while that would be really sweet. I think I’m lucky (except for the bouts of poverty) to be doing something I love for a quasi living. Not everyone has a passion to focus on.

So less Facebooking and Crushing and more Doing and Making.

An Apple A Day

So I was woken up at 10am by my Doctor’s office calling to tell me my Doc wanted to see me sooner than the 24th. She wants to see me on Monday now.

And then I checked my phone and realized I have an appointment tomorrow morning to see my gynaecologist and get my results of my surgery, because they had to check the cyst under a microscope in case it has cancerous or pre-cancerous cells.

So I am a little worried, because it’s suspicious for my GP to want to see me the next business day after my gynaecologist appointment. And I just made an appointment with her to get referred for a screening for ADHD, which is not URGENT.

I mean she did just recently come back from a maternity leave, maybe she is just excited to see me? Ha ha yeah right! I’m her favourite patient! Lol.

Anyway, a whole bunch of stuff happens if they do find precancerous or cancerous cells, including a hysterectomy and losing my ovaries and having to go through menopause and be on HRT. Which I am not really into. I had an ablation to try and avoid the hysterectomy, but this would definitely change things.

So I am trying not to be a downer about it, because that might not even be what is going on. It’s just really suspicious.

At least it’s getting my mind off social media.

Collective Tarot, Death, and Facebook (so many freakin FB posts I know! Bear with me!)

I got a Collective Tarot reading about how I can improve my chances of actually getting a love life again. And it was really helpful, talked about how my mind is all over being frustrated with being single for so long and having all these unrequited things, and how I needed to do some self care and like, let go of things. And the advice for that was to cut my nails and hair in a symbolic change/letting go thing. And there was some more, like I got the Death card and it was about something which is already dying in my life and making room for new things. And I thought about that and how I am trying to disengage from Facebook and that maybe that is what needs to change to get me in a better frame of mind and good mental health and getting a real life instead of this fake shit on FB. And it mentioned in another card about rebirth, and another one about being a top of myself and setting boundaries. And another was about liberating myself from the old, and my friend Marty who was one of the people reading them for me said I should think about what it would be like to NOT love people who don’t love me back. And it ended with the Five of Keys which is about forest fires and how all this passion can burn everything up but it’s also regenerative and new things grow from that. OH YES and also not isolating anymore and being more involved in my community and engaging with people. And people see me as someone in a chariot on my way to a bright future and want to get in the chariot with me.

So it was a good thing to think about. I have a lot of work to do on myself. I’m glad I have a therapist. There’s a lot of dark stuff in my brain these days, especially as I discover how unhappy things like Facebook have made me. I know I could do a lot better with way less of that in my life. I got on there today (at 5! Yay me!) and within three hours I had already offended someone for not including a scenario in a status when I was really just talking about myself. And then I went out (and had no Facebook since I took the app off my phone) and since then more people have suggested other scenarios I did not include and that is just so awful of me.

So I’m pretty sick of it. It seems like it’s just a place to offend people and deal with people picking fights, and it’s a really negative thing I’m not interested in anymore. Facebook used to be fun, but not anymore.

Anyway, I am thinking tomorrow I am going to stay off it all day. I read my horoscope (I know! Ha ha!) and it said I had to be careful of what I said and that things could be taken the wrong way tomorrow (actually today it’s early in the morning). So I am thinking of avoiding FB altogether tomorrow.

I just don’t want it in my life anymore. The only two things keeping me on are talking to Deanna, and people getting in touch with me for work. But I really need to think of another way to engage with it, or not. If tomorrow goes well and I can keep off FB all day, I might assess how it makes me feel and try again on Friday with another total day off it. And go back on Saturday.

I’ve seen many friends try to get off FB, and they all come back. Which is why I don’t want to deactivate or delete. But fuckkkkkkk this cannot continue.

Anyway, ALSO if I get off of FB (or mostly disengage at least) maybe I will be more motivated to go out into my community and meet new people and do things in the real world. Where I would have a better chance of meeting smart cuties.

Fake News

Ha ha this really isn’t about Fake News I just wanted to see if it would get more visits.

Back to my boring life!

So it’s Day 3 of restricted Facebook use. I am currently staying off of it between the hours of 9-5 Monday to Friday. Which is giving me better work habits. I did a lot of work in the last two days. I’m pretty happy with that. Monday when I finally opened up Facebook at 5 I wasn’t too disappointed, like I didn’t feel I missed a lot, and I still felt there were other more worthwhile things to do like read a book. And do dishes. Basic living things, you know.

But it’s DAY 3 and I’m starting to jones. I know I’m gonna get back on at 5. It’s not really awful, it’s not like I can’t see it at all, and it’s only 3 hours away. BUT STILL I am all tempted to log back in and be satiated by ridiculous stuff. But I know it would harm my productivity, and it would probably make me angry and sad again. And I don’t want to make a totally innocent ridiculous status and get a whole bunch of unsolicited advice anymore. “I like pinecones!” “Have you tried them with butter, here are 50 recipes!” Or horrible news “These animals were abused, and here’s a picture!” Thanks Dog Lovers page, that’s totally not traumatizing at all! Or 60 people talking about Donald Dump and what crappy things fell out of his mouth today. I already watched CBC News Network I don’t need to read the same thing 60 different ways.

So I don’t know why I’m still drawn to opening an FB window in my browser. Habit I guess!

Habits are hard to break. I almost wonder if deleting my whole FB would be worth it, so I can’t go back.

Then again a lot of people seek me out for work related things there. And I talk to my cousin Deanna on chat there all the time, since they basically killed off Microsoft Messenger and it’s the only thing besides Skype. And she won’t go on Snapchat.

Anyway! I should get back to my work work. That I can actually make money from. Instead of talking about FB on my blog, which I will probably post on FB when I finally go back on in 3 hours.

The things I DO like about FB are: I can reach out to friends easily, I can look at pictures of crushes and my friend’s cute dogs, I follow some funny meme pages which are basically my favourite things to repost, and I can keep in touch with far away friends like my friends in Berlin and stuff, AND I get work requests on FB which I would miss out on if I wasn’t there.

And for those reasons I probably won’t completely cut out my FB use for a while still.

Disorderly Living

Shit! I’ve had this long standing issue with disordered eating patterns where I just FORGET to eat until late in the day. It’s really bad. Anyway, yesterday I didn’t eat until 3pm. I’m trying to stop doing this. Like that is pretty typical for me. And it contributes to me being chubby oddly enough because my body goes into starvation mode so when I do finally eat it holds onto as much as it can.

Also incidentally it is probably related to my ADHD.

Anyway, today I DID remember to eat on time, and just ate an early dinner.

I also finished (FINALLY!) the first draft of my short video script. I’ve really dragged my feet on this project and I need to do a lot better and get it and another project finished and off into the world. I’m planning to be done the rewrites in the next few days and then do a casting call among friends and friends of friends to plan a shoot in the next month or so. It’s really going to depend on money coming into my life or not, worse comes to worse I have a camera and tripod and can rent some lights for cheap. Ah shit I need some new mics, or rented mics!

I’m waiting to hear about funding, it’s freaking me out, like it always does. I have two possible funders for two different projects. And I’m waiting to hear about a possible award thingy.

Really I just wish artists could get some kind of regular income besides being a sessional. Actually that’s not even regular income because sometimes your class isn’t offered or they hire someone else.

But anyway, that is a constant annoyance of mine. I like what I do for a living, I just wish I didn’t have to worry about if it will or won’t provide a living.

I’ve been enjoying being alone with the dogs again. Mom was nice to hang out with, but two weeks in a one bedroom apartment is stressful. Now it’s just the pups and I and our routine. And we can watch whatever we want on TV.

Facebook is stressing me out these days. Actually I am thinking of taking a break from it and deactivating for a while. I already have this blog, Instagram, Twitter, and Tumblr to hang out on and find shit out. I wonder if maybe I should just log out and not log in for a while. The only thing I really like about it is that I can look at it on my phone in public without a big ole penis zooming by like when I try to check out my Tumblr. Which I don’t mind in private, but it looks all kinds of suspicious if someone is standing over you on the streetcar. I’m just tired of the sad posts and frustrating interactions with friends. It’s pretty depressing when you know your relationship with someone would improve if they would stop commenting on everything. OR better yet, if you provided NO content for them to comment on.

You know I feel like I should log out for a month, BUT ACTUALLY one of my friends was only logging in once a week for a day. Which might make more sense. PLUS Messenger still works without having to be on FB.

It’s something I have been thinking about for a while. I feel like my relationship with all the other social medias I am involved with is a lot healthier, a lot less addictive and stressful. Like I just don’t check up on them as much. I maybe check Instagram 3 times a day, Twitter once a week, Tumblr every three days. Using them might ramp up a bit more if I restrict my FB useage, but not as much as I currently use facebook. Like I am just so addicted. And most of the time it doesn’t enhance my life, except that I see events and people wanting to do stuff. But if they know I am only online once a week or on the weekend maybe it will be okay.

Plus I have Snapchat, which is cute and more interesting than Facebook. People are more creative on it.

And a bonus of quitting FB during the week is I would probably get a lot more work done, AND do more reading. I still have a Miranda July book to read, and the Gilda Stories, and some other books that I know I’d be way into if I just sat down and read them instead of being distracted by how many essays about fakey faker Joseph Boyden I can read in an hour.

Welcome to 2017

It’s 2017! I made it through 2016!

Christmas was good, Mom and I have been doing some shopping, mostly for beads, went to a couple of movies. Tomorrow we are going to Aquasize because it’s one of my new years resolutions (and fun) and also because Mom likes it. Also more bead shopping.

I am trying to picture my life improving this year, and what I need to do to make it happen. I talked to my psychotherapist on Friday about the undiagnosed ADHD and she thought I should go to my doctor and get screened for it, and possibly for appropriate treatment get referred to a psychiatrist who can figure out how to medicate me while also not fucking up the bipolar stuff I deal with. So I guess I’ll do that, probably end up on a long waiting list, but I think I can handle it.

I also want to learn a useful yet frivolous skill, so I’m going to do dance lessons at some point this year. I’ve been really shy about dancing for a long time, and I used to be good at it. And part of it is that I’ll try to dance and people (usually family members) make fun of me so I go sit down again. Which is honestly really shitty and I just shouldn’t dance around them. BUT also it might be a good way to meet people and it’s a fun thing to do and I can’t talk at clubs or parties anyway when there is loud music so it would give me something to do.

And another thing I want to do for my resolution is to properly recycle and compost. I’ve been really shitty at it, and I know I could do way better, AND it would be good for the environment/my conscience.

Some things I want to do this year (but aren’t official resolutions) are getting more dates (even one would be more, really!), getting trained for a decent paying part time casual job I could do between contracts and grants, learning how to socialize within groups more (not Toastmasters because that’s public speaking which I am fine at, but conversing with strangers really so I can network), and helping my dogs lose weight by walking them more (and feeding them less). We do walk once a day, but if it was twice it would be a lot better for them, and me.

My New Year Tarot spread I did today said this year would be a lot about my career and money and overall about a cycle ending. But also it said I should concentrate on relationships, in particular romantic relationships, and accepting love. Which seems really hard when I have no actual potential dates. But that was LAST year and this is THIS year. And I haven’t even left the house today, so I can’t really say there’s no hope when it’s been one day in and I’ve spent it cooking with Mom.

AHHHHHH and there is someone I like but it’s not ever EVER going to go anywhere. It’s too bad we could be really cute together because we are so compatible otherwise. She’s just not into me THAT way. It’s hard to get new crushes when you keep going back to the same old hopeless crush. It’s like having a sore in your mouth and poking it with your tongue so much that it doesn’t heal. But the good news is that it is a thing that has gone dormant for years on end in the past. So that’s some kind of grim hope.

I feel like there are other things I want to do this year. OH one other thing I wanted to do is actually learn Ukulele because it’s just SITTING here gathering dust and I really did want to experiment with being musical, even in a geeky nerdy way! This was actually last year’s resolution that failed. I think allowing myself to make music might translate into me being able to access a different part of myself that would be useful as a filmmaker. Same with the dancing.

Another year my resolution was to be a consumer, but not so much of clothes and electronics and stuff, more a consumer of media and books and cultural things. I’ve been getting better at that, I have seen a lot of movies last year and watched more TV and Netflix. But I think I need to go to galleries more, and also read more books. I don’t do a lot of reading and it’s a problem.

Also I need to write in my diary more. I tried it a little bit last year, hand writing, and it really helped me process my emotions around different things. Also it made me cry a lot.

OH and I was able to cry more easily this last year! FINALLY! I want that to continue, I think being in touch with my emotions is important and for so long I’ve just tried so hard not to cry that when I needed to cry it wouldn’t happen.

Christmas With the Cuthands

Christmas this year is vastly different for Mom and I. For one thing, we are doing it here in Toronto. She arrives Christmas morning and I’m making brunch (must remember to get more maple syrup), we’re gonna open a couple presents and she gets some mimosas and I get plain orange juice and coffee. Christmas Eve I am spending alone at my place though. I’m trying to figure out a good new Christmas Eve tradition.

I’ve decided I am making Carol my new Christmas Eve movie to watch. Pups and I are gonna put it on the Blu-ray and resist the temptation to smoke (so many cigarettes in that flick!). Eat some snacks and light some candles. Maybe have some kind of soak in the tub too. I really wish I had someone to fool around with or even just make out with on the couch, but it’s way too late to arrange anything like that.

I’m making Christmas dinner, we’re having an organic chicken instead of a turkey. Stuffing. Potatoes. Maybe a squash. Cranberry sauce, and some Saskatoon pie for dessert which I will make on Christmas eve because sweet and savory in the same oven is a bad idea. Maybe I will even drag my table from the porch in here so we can actually sit at it instead of on the couch. We’ll see.

And that’s about it for Christmas. We are gonna relax the rest of the day and Mom will drink Baileys and I’ll probably move on to a cola. We’re gonna watch Auntie Mame which has been a Christmas tradition for a number of years ever since I discovered it as a teenage homo.

Speaking of Cola, I recently found out people with ADHD often self medicate with caffeine. And the reason I am mentioning this is because after much discussion with a close friend, I have come to realize it is most likely something I have been dealing with most if not all of my life. It wasn’t noticed by anyone else because girls with it don’t often have the hyperactivity part of the disorder. And also I didn’t have the underachieving part of ADHD because I was able to complete my Masters degree. But what if I had been treated? Would I have done better? I have a hard time following conversation sometimes because my mind will just wander off at the most random times, even if I am trying to focus and it’s important to listen. Even when I WANT to listen.

Also sometimes I’ve felt like I let myself down in terms of productivity. Sometimes I can be so good at it because I hyper-focus for hours if it’s something I like, and other times I just have such a hard time sitting down (or cleaning or whatever the task may be) that I just procrastinate for ages.

I’ve been doing things that a lot of ADHD people do to manage their lives better, like having alarms for all my appointments in my calendar, timing cooking because sometimes I’ll forget or lose track of time, writing boring shit like “I’m gonna wash the floor now” on my FB so that I have to be accountable to randoms on FB and will actually follow through on this task.

I like this idea of hyper-focus that ADHD people get, but also, I really want to be productive the rest of the time and be a little more together. My friend sent me all this information and youtube lectures about it and learning about what it does really makes me wonder how I could have thought this is normal for everybody. And I always wondered why other people could do so much that I had such a hard time doing.

So in the new year I’m going to investigate getting a diagnosis and treatment for it. It’s tricky because of the bipolar, because I don’t want amphetamines to make me manic. Strattera isn’t an amphetamine, but it costs 400 a month and probably my NIHB would get all bitchy about paying that and make me take an amphetamine anyway.

Anyway, that’s what’s on my mind this Christmas!

Mostly though, I’m excited to just have a quiet happy Christmas with my mom, at home, with my pups. It’s totally different than any other Christmas.

Deep Thoughts About Being Unemployed

I’ve mentioned before (maybe?) my troubles with getting a permanent full time job, which is that it conflicts with my career that sometimes has me out of the country/city, etc, that sometimes requires me to work full time on my writing or filming things etc. I need a job that is made up of steady gigs that I can take a break from when I need to do other stuff (which also sometimes pays). I need something to get me through blips of time.

So I was talking to my Mom about it, and she said I should look into Voice Over work. I’ve done a lot of monologues as part of my video practice, and I’ve also been a call centre worker, so I had to have a nice clear voice so people could understand my survey questions. I think I could do it.

I’ve been doing some research, it’s an okay paying job and there’s lots of work out there. My friend Juli posted a bunch of links to voice over talent agencies and training places around here. Next time more money comes in I can buy some decent sound equipment to record myself on my own. There’s a place in Toronto that does a month long weekly workshop that teaches you about the Voice Over industry and how to read a script and analyze it and stuff. Ontario Works pays for some employment related skills training, so I am going to approach them on Monday about paying for this workshop. It starts in January. Which is really soon. Maybe if I miss that one I can do the one in February or something.

It would be nice to have a weird skill that is employable. I have a lot of employable skills, but the nature of the film production industry means I can’t do project after project after project with like, 14 hour days back to back. Like, it’s not good for my disability. But something like this might be easier. And I like talking. It’s funny though because if you met me you wouldn’t think so because I am really quiet until I have assessed people and determined if I can be a weirdo around them or not.

It would be nice to do audiobooks or something. Documentary voice overs. Juli said I might be interested in loop groups, which are people who get together and provide background walla for films. It could be fun! She posted a video of people doing it.

I’ve also heard some bad things about voice over work, specifically regarding video game voice over work. There was (is?) actually a strike going on over working conditions which push the actors too far and damage their voices. So that’s a concern.

And obviously I wouldn’t cross a picket line.

But this makes more sense for me to do than even the described video for the blind thing I had been interested in before. I wouldn’t have to be tied to one company, and I could choose when to work and when to take a break. It might be worth it to try and get insurance on my voice though, in case I end up being one of those people who needs to get vocal surgery.

Anyway, that is my thought these days! I hope this is the thing that works out for me!

His Ribs! OMG!

Little Mister’s Skeleton!

So this is what Little Mister looks like in an X-ray. The vet wanted to make sure he didn’t have pneumonia, so they checked him out. Lungs are clear! His rib bones are my favourite, so delicate! Look at him! OMG! He’s such a good boy they didn’t have to sedate him, so he was cheaper to xray than some other dogs that need sedation. There’s still no verdict as to what exactly is causing his coughs. Of course today I haven’t heard him cough at all. Maybe he will be fine? The vet said “He’s not going to die tomorrow!” So that’s good. He’s getting bloodwork done which will let us know more what is going on with him.

I need to make more money to pay for him. I mean, some more money is coming my way but I also owe other people. My friend suggested this employment placement place. I am looking into it. You can tell them what sort of work you want, like I would rather work part time because of other things going on with me. So we’ll see.

Plus this surgery was holding me back in looking for work, because I didn’t want to beg for time off to heal so I didn’t really look for work the last couple of months. But my healing is done, so I feel more equipped to work. BUT ALSO I have applied for disability, and I don’t want a full time job because I don’t know if I could handle it. You can work part time and be on disability, which is part of the appeal.

Speaking of appeals, I put in another appeal to disability. I have heard it often takes until you appeal to the tribunal to get accepted into the program. It’s so ridiculous because I was on disability in Saskatchewan and I don’t see why different provinces can’t listen to each other.

Mom’s coming on Christmas Day! I’ve got to get us a humane chicken for dinner. Or organic or whatever. There’s a good butcher shop in Kensington Market I might go to, but also I think there’s a butchershop up the street by Timmies. She keeps saying she wants us to go to a hotel or something for dinner, but I kind of want to cook at home.

OH and now Little Mister is coughing. Just the once tho.

Maybe I am just being super anxious about him and he is fine though.

He was so cute when I picked him up from the vet. She brought him out on his leash and he was just walking around wagging his tail. He tried to go into the last room he saw me in but I was down the hall so I called him and he came and jumped up on my legs. Awww that lil guy! It’s weird cause he’s 11 now. Besides my sister’s 18 year old cat, he’s the only pet I’ve had this long. It’s kind of amazing, he has been with me through the last 1.5 years of my 20s and most of my 30’s. Like, I’ve had him for half of my adult life. I don’t want this Little Mister Era to end. So when he gets sick I get so worried. But he still seems to have some years in him.

Tomorrow my friend Riki and I are going to try and get PJ Harvey tickets for next April. I was super into her in 2007 when I had my last major manic episode, I was listening to Stories From the City Stories from the Sea all the time. And now she’s playing in Toronto on the 10th anniversary of that manic episode. So it seems like I should go. I mean, it might mean the end of a cycle or something. Like a completion of something. Plus I’ve stayed up to date on her work and I liked most of Hope Six Demolition Project. That Medicinals song is pretty fun in a witchy way. Oh except the end is a downer.