Last year I wrote some thing about what I wanted to happen THIS year, and one was to stop dating fuck boy femmes. But…. I guess that kinda failed, because it has happened again. Multiple times. It’s kind of ridiculous at this point and I’m just like, taking notes to pitch my dating life sitcom to Netflix someday when I need to become rich. I’m trying not to get bitter though or close my heart down or try to repress the things I love about myself, even when other people I like and want find those things too much trouble or too inconvenient. I still think there are magical things afoot, but like, right now shit is fucked, and I’m just gonna take a short dating break until January to sort of get the bad taste out of my mouth so I don’t hurt someone by not being emotionally available when I am asking them on dates.
I’m not gonna get into it though because we have mutual friends, I mean honestly it’s the queer lady community, we all have mutual friends with everyone. But I’ll just say it was a dispute over not wanting to communicate, which made me feel bummed out because I honestly did want to do some hardcore raunchy things with this person, but they rejected me and now I know I wouldn’t feel safe to pursue those activities anyway. Because D/s and sex need like, communication, and trust, and this person just was incapable and uninterested in providing those things. And what if some hardcore thing we were doing triggered something and I needed comfort and this person would just be unable to provide that?
And then like I did try to talk myself this year into being okay with casual sex. And I ended up feeling disposable and unimportant with people I liked, which are bad feelings to have. I mean especially if you want to be vulnerable with people and have intimate moments with them. I know it’s like, well you have to start slow and let people get to know you and blah blah blah. But like, ugh, what if they don’t even want to know you at all? That’s tough to deal with, and I shouldn’t have to think I need to accept that.
I think it’s hard right now because I did discover the kind of sex I like to have, BUT like I need something more to make it even better. Like someone who cares about me and wants to see my Instagram posts and likes some of my ridiculous stuff and is interested in my art and wants to get to know me in case we are a match for having a family together. Someone who is going to ask me questions on our dates and get to know me. Not someone who stalks me, but someone who makes an effort and cares about me feeling respected. Someone who is serious I guess. Someone who can communicate anyway and isn’t gonna be threatened by things like my anxiety. Someone who wants to be part of a power couple, not someone who is just a star fucker.
Anyway, I’m doing things to make myself feel better. Like writing this and then getting back to my script. Tonight this top I played with a while back is going out with me to a fetish party. I’m not allowed to wear jeans cause they have a dress code which is like, making me roll my eyes but I DO have like, a few pants that aren’t jeans. And I have a leather vest. I was going to go to this fancy expensive restaurant with my date who cancelled because of the communication thing, but like, she cancelled, and like, I’m not poor so my friend and I are still gonna go to this restaurant and eat expensive food and have a good time. I got this fancy jizzing dildo because I was hoping to achieve this fantasy with this date but like, obviously it’s not gonna happen with her so I guess I’ll just keep practicing with it and eventually maybe someone else will want to achieve this ridiculous fantasy with me. I am eating chocolates, and still finishing doing white strips cause I want nicer teeth and I still care about looking cute. I’m gonna wash my sheets shortly and have some dinner and put on a nice crisp white shirt and go out. I’m gonna try and let this go so I can be open to new people, and not bring my baggage to those new people if I can. I mean I do have trust issues from this year of dating. But my therapist and I are working on it. And maybe it’s okay if someone has to earn my trust from now on, maybe it’s not something I should be giving so freely.
I don’t want to turn into a fuck boy butch tho. I don’t think I will anyway tho. I’m not really a person who treats people like they are disposable. But yeah, I mean my life is still interesting, and I still have a lot to offer. I just offered it to the wrong people this year. I did put myself out there a lot though. Like for sure everyone I liked and wanted knew it, I didn’t get all vague about that, I was pretty upfront. I hate rejection and there was a lot of rejection this year, but also like, probably that rejection saved me from making a mistake.
I want someone who wants to travel with me. I want someone who wants a baby with me. I want someone who has the same vision I do of reading stories to our kids and then having passionate sex after the kids are asleep. Or kid. I dunno, one or two kids, I think two kids would be nice however they end up incarnating. It seems really far away sometimes, this vision. I don’t know how long it’s gonna take to find.
I feel like I have these two things I want in my mind, like this raunchy almost degrading incredibly hot sex, and also someone who cares about me and is gonna like spending time with me and having conversations and who checks in and doesn’t flinch if we need to talk something through and who respects me and wants to know me.
So strange. What a strange year of dating and almost dating and stuff. I’m staying off dating apps for good now. I’m just going to live my life and go to events and meet people and see what happens. I don’t want to meet people off some rando dating app where there’s no context for who I am.
I think I’ll be more aware of when someone might be worth pursuing if they make an effort. Because so many people this year did not. I don’t want to be the only one texting or messaging first again.